Category: other

Why do the Irish call their basic currency the Punt?

Because it rhymes with bank manager, and… did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?

He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Un s�bado, tres amigos que acostumbran jugar golf juntos est�n listos para iniciar la partida cuando se les acerca un solitario jugador que les pregunta si podr�a acompa�arlos. Los amigos se ven las caras y deciden aceptarlo:

“Con gusto, venga con nosotros”.

A unos dos hoyos de haber comenzado, los compa�eros no pueden resistir la curiosidad y, entablando conversaci�n con el extra�o, le preguntan qu� hace para ganarse la vida.

“Soy un ‘eliminador'”.

Los tres camaradas comenzaron a re�r.

“No, de verdad”, continu� el extra�o, “soy un eliminador. Elimino gente; mi arma est� en el saco de palos. La llevo conmigo a todas partes. Si quieren, le pueden dar un vistazo”.

Uno de los amigos decide verificar la historia y, al abrir el saco, ve un rifle con una enorme mira telesc�pica. Asombrado, comenta:

“�Qu� pieza, apuesto que podr�a ver mi casa con esto! �Puedo probar?”

“Seguro”, contesta el eliminador.

As� que el hombre mira por un segundo a trav�s de la mira telesc�pica y exclama:

“�Vaya que si se puede ver mi casa! Hasta veo a mi mujer desnuda en el cuarto. �No es hermosa? �Un momento, tambi�n est� mi vecino! �Y desnudo!”

Totalmente alterado, le pide al eliminador que lo ayude a limpiar su honor. El mat�n le contesta:

“Me pagan 10 mil d�lares cada vez que jalo el gatillo”.

“��Diez mil?! Es mucho, pero esto no lo soporto. Tiene que hacer dos eliminaciones: una a mi mujer, justo en la boca, porque nunca para de hablar; otra al tipo �se, en los genitales, para que aprenda a respetar a las mujeres de los dem�s”.

El eliminador accede; se prepara y observa detenidamente a trav�s de la mira telesc�pica, hasta que unos cinco minutos despu�s, el individuo agraviado, impaciente, le reclama:

“�Qu� espera? �No aguanto m�s! ��Por qu� no dispara de una buena vez?!”

“S�lo un poco m�s. Estoy a punto de ahorrarle diez mil…”

An Optometrist was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. He placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, – “Cover your right eye with your hand.” The man read the 20/20 line perfectly. – “Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. – “Now both,” The Optometrist requested. There was silence. The man couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. The Optometrist turned and discovered that the man had done exactly what he’d been asked: he was standing there with both his eyes covered.

Do you know why the French wear turtlenecks?

– To hide their flea collars.

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”

So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?”, the Polak asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day”, the Polak tells himself.

So, the next morning the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords.

The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer”, the Polak says to himself.

The very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polak’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Huh, it looks fine.”

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds, “What’s that noise?”

Un borracho sale de la cantina como a las cinco de la ma�ana. En eso, dando la vuelta en un callej�n se le aparece Dr�cula. Con una voz cavernosa el vampiro le advierte:

“�Te voy a chupar la sangre!”

Envalentonado por el alcohol, el temulento le encara:

“�A m� me vas a chupar la verga!”

“�Bueno, pero rapidito, antes de que salga el sol!”, le apresura.

Eran tres maes que entran a una discoteque y se sientan en una mesa. En la mesa del frente ven a una atractiva chica que est� sola; entonces dice uno de ellos: “�Ven a aquella hembra que est� all� al frente? Vean y aprendan c�mo se conquista a una chica”.

Se acerca a la chica y le dice: “Esteee, �hola muchacha c�mo est�? Bueno, es que yo quer�a preguntarle a ver si podr�a bailar una pieza conmigo.”

A lo que ella responde: “�Usted est� loco? Cu�ndo a visto un manjar en el hocico de un perro?”

El pobre se fue a sentar a la mesa con el rabo entre las patas. Entonces se para el segundo y dice: “T� lo hiciste mal, yo te ense�ar� c�mo hacerlo.”

Se acerca a la chica y dice: “Mmmm, hola hermosura. �C�mo es que una chica tan bella est� aqu� sentada tan sola. �Qu� te parece si bailamos una pieza y luego nos tomamos algo?”

Y la chica le contesta: “�Quee�? �Cu�ndo ha visto un manjar en el hocico de un perro?”

Y este otro mae se fue a sentar sin siquiera volver a levantar la cabeza. Entonces se para el tercero que se lo llevaba puta del coler�n y le dice a los otros: “Vean hijueputas yo a ustedes les voy a ense�ar de verdad c�mo se conquista una zorra de esas.”

Entonces se acerca a la hembra y con tono �spero: “Hey, usted.”

“�Qui�n, yo?”

“S� est�pida, �con qui�n m�s cree que estoy hablando? Bueno yo nada m�s ven�a a preguntarle a ver si quer�a bailar alguna mierda de canci�n.”

“�Ja!, �cu�ndo ha visto un manjar en el hocico de un perro?”

Y el mae le responde: “No, yo nada m�s le vine a pedir que bail�ramos, no que me la mamara.”

�Cu�l es el verdadero n�mero de la bestia?

660: el n�mero de la Bestia… aproximadamente.

DCLXVI: el n�mero de la Bestia romana.

0,666: el n�mero de la MiliBestia.

/ 666: denominador com�n bestial.

666-1: n�mero imaginario de la Bestia.

1010011010: n�mero de la Bestia binaria.

6, mmm… �me lo puede repetir? (una modelo Bestia)

1-600: caracter�stica telef�nica de la Bestia.

0666: c�digo postal de la Bestia.

0-600-1-0666: la Hot-Line de la Bestia.

$6,66: valor por minuto de la Hot-Line de la Bestia.

$665,95: precio de la Bestia al contado, o 12 cuotas de $66,60.

$710,35: precio de la Bestia m�s I.V.A.

6,66%: impuesto al valor agregado Bestial.(I.V.A.)

$806,66: precio de la Bestia con accesorios y gastos de env�o.

$506,66: precio de la Bestia… sin factura.

Ruta 666: el camino de la Bestia.

6,66 mg: dosis m�nima diaria de la Bestia.

Lotus 6-6-6: base de datos de la Bestia.

Word 6.66: procesador de texto para Bestias.

i66686: el CPU Bestial. En vez de Pentium, Pandem�nium.

666i: el BMW de la Bestia.

333: Medio Bestia.

600: Fiat de la Bestia cuando era joven.

666 kg: un gordo bestial.

Rocky 666: la saga cinematogr�fica bestial.

6+6=6: �Pero qu� Bestia!

Seis, Sex, Sexo… las Bestias solo piensan en ‘eso’.

Los pap�s de una ni�a le regalan un globo. Todo el d�a la ni�a juega feliz con �l, hasta que llega la hora de ir a dormir, y sin saber donde guardarlo lo mete dentro del sanitario.

Como a las 3 de la ma�ana se despierta la madre con una diarrea tremenda, por lo menos 2 horas seguidas cagando. Al fin termina y cuando mira su obra de arte �se lleva tremenda sorpresa! Espantada, llama al marido y �ste llama al medico de la familia para que revise a su esposa.

Por fin llega el medico y le hace todos los ex�menes a la mujer sin encontrarle ning�n problema grave, as� que decide realizarle una biopsia al mont�n de mierda… saca su bistur� y al pinchar el globo vuela caca a todas partes.

Un poco sorprendido, el m�dico se limpia los restos de popo que tiene en su cara y luego le dice a la pareja:

“�En veinte a�os que llevo ejerciendo mi profesi�n, esta es la primera vez en mi vida que veo un pedo con c�scara!”

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about ‘normal’ tricks. “Well,” they said, “let’s try this out.” Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!” Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. “Father, I am sinful. “”Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.””Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it’s been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.””That’s bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.””Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.””That’s not very good of you.””Father, last month, I went to her uncle’s house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too.” “Father? ……… Father?” suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. “Father? Where are you?” He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.”Father, why are you hiding here?””Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.”

there was two prostitutes sat on a wall. One says to the other: “i can smell cock” To which the other replies: “oh sorry, i just burped”