Category: other

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands
the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and
notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been
fired from every job.”

“Yes,” says the man.

“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”

“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “Maybe we’d better tell him it’s a septic tank.”

“Hello…Welcome to the Psychiatrict Hotline…

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependant, ask someone to press 2.

If you are a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing this call.

If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will tell you what to do.

If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter what you do, nobody cares anyway.”

A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor’s advice because his breath smells terrible.

The doctor examines him and says:
“Either stop biting your nails or stop scratching your hemorrhoids!”

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day.

But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears.

His friend asked, “What has the world done to you, my old friend?”

The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.”

“That’s not bad.”

“But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear.”

“Sounds like you should be grateful…”

“You don’t understand!” he interrupted. “Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million.”

Now he was really confused. “Then, how come you look so glum?”

“This week… nothing!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Una pareja de casados est� en su noche de bodas. Ella se va a ba�ar y a cambiarse pensando en una rom�ntica luna de miel. Al salir del ba�o con una hermosa bata, �l le dice:

“Amor m�o, �por qu� tanta ropa? Ya estamos casados; abre la bata y d�jame ver tu belleza”.

La mujer se abre la bata. El hombre lanza un suspiro y exclama:

“�Mi amor, qu� belleza la tuya! D�jame tomarte una foto”.

“�Para qu�, mi vida?”

“Para llevar siempre tu foto cerca de mi coraz�n y poder contemplar tu belleza diariamente.

Cuando �l sale de ba�arse, ella le devuelve:

“Mi amor, �por qu� esa bata? Ya estamos casados; qu�tatela para contemplarte”.

El hombre se abre la bata y ella le dice:

“D�jame sacarte una foto”.

“�Para qu�, mi vida?”, le pregunta meloso el tipo.

“Para hacer una ampliaci�n porque… �No jodas!”

You know you’re drinking too much coffee when…

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named “Joe”.
You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You can’t even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you return to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make sure you understand it.

7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.

8. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade… You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

9. Go check your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

10. Listen to your favorite CD and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper.

11. Listen to another one.

12. Check your e-mail again.

13. Rearrange your CDs into alphabetical order.

14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university and the world at large.

15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.

18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowler’s Tour, sewing shows, or any movie starring Don Ameche.

19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

22. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

27. Check your e-mail.

28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

30. Leap up and write the paper.

31. Type the paper and turn it in with minutes to spare.

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.”I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.The guy replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Men are like toilets — either they’re taken, or full of crap!

What’s the favorite food of a Black/Italian halfbreed?

– Barbequed spaghetti.

BLOW ME THE QUECHUAN FLUTE: S�plame la quena.

FOR IF THE FLIES: Por si las moscas.

EYE TO LOUSE: Ojo al piojo.

YOU HAVE ME TIRED; YOU HAVE ME: Me ten�s cansado; me ten�s.

THE FIFTH LINING OF THE BALLS: El quinto forro de las pelotas.

GO TO KNOW: And� a saber.

CATCH YOURSELF CATHERINE: Ag�rrate Catalina.

YOU ARE TICKET: Sos boleta.

LITTLE FEMALE GAUCHOS PACKAGE: Paquete de criollitas.

STAY FLY: Qu�date mosca.

I MADE MYSELF THE RAT: Me hice la rata.

THAT’S MY CHICKEN: Ese es mi pollo.

TO BURY THE SWEET POTATO: Enterrar la batata.

THROW ME THE RUBBER: T�rame la goma.

TO ANOTHER THING BUTTERFLY: A otra cosa mariposa.

LIKE WHO DOESN’T WANT THE THING: Como quien no quiere la cosa.

BETWEEN NO MORE AND DRINK A CHAIR: Entre nom�s y tome asiento.

I DON’T GIVE MORE: No doy m�s.

HE IS BIGGER BALLED THAN THE PIGEONS: Es m�s boludo que las palomas.

LITTLE POTATO FOR THE PARROT: Papita pa’l loro.

NOT TO HUNT ONE: No cazar una.

IT IMPORTS ME A HORN: Me importa un cuerno.

WHAT THREW IT: Que lo tiro.

IT’S TO THE ROCKET: Es al cuete.

WHAT A HANDRAIL: Que baranda.

TO SPEND A PERSON: Gastar a una persona.

WE ARE ALL ALIVE: Somos todos vivos.

TO MAKE THE DUCK: Hacer la pata.

TURKEY’S AGE: La edad del pavo.

LET’S GO YET!: �Vamos, todav�a!

IT MATTERS ME A WHISTLE: Me importa un pito.

I’M MADE BAG: Estoy hecho bolsa.

SEND FRUIT: Mandar fruta.

TO BE A DEAD LITTLE FLY: Ser un mosquita muerta.

ARE YOU DRINKING MY HAIR?: �Me est�s tomando el pelo.

IT WENT ME LIKE THE ASS: Me fue como el culo.

DON’T FORGET HEADS: No se olviden de Cabezas.

IT HAS MY BALLS FILLED: Me tiene las bolas llenas.

DO YOU WANT MORE YELLOW: �Quiere m�s hielo?

YOUR SISTER IS AN IRON: Tu hermana es un fierro.

THE SHELL OF YOUR SISTER: La concha de tu hermana.

HE DOESN’T GIVE FOOT WITH BALL: No da pie con bola.

SKULL DON’T SHOUT: Calavera no chilla.

TO CRY TO THE CHURCH: A llorar a la iglesia.

TO DO EGG: Hacer huevo.

IT SUCKS ME ONE EGG: Me chupa un huevo.

PUTTING WAS THE GOOSE: Poniendo estaba la gansa.

IT’S NOT NESSARY: No es nesario

SUN OF A BEACH: Sol de una playa.

AS BORING AS LICKING A NAIL: Aburrido como chupar un clavo.

BLACK MOTHER FUCKER WAS FUCKED US ALL: Menem.