Bad Day at the Drug Store

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”

It’s Dark in Here

A married woman is having an affair. meanwhile her young son hides in the
closet. one day she hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet
as well.
inside the closet, the little boy says, “its dark in here, isn’t it?”
“yes it is,” the man replies.
“you wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
“no thanks,” the man replies.
“i think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.
“ok. how much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in.
“twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.
“twenty-five dollars?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect
his hidden position.
the following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car
in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
“it’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.
“yes it is,” replies the man.
“wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.
“ok. how much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
the next weekend, the little boy’s father says “hey, son. go get your ball and
glove and we’ll play some catch.”
“i can’t. i sold them,” replies the little boy.
“how much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit
in terms of lizards and candy?
“seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.
“seventy-five dollars?! that’s thievery! i’m taking you to the church right
now. you must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness”, the father explains as
he hauls the child away.
at the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain,
sits down, and says “its dark in here isn’t it?”
“don’t you start that s*** in here,” the priest says.

Un matrimonio sueco, ambos catires

Un matrimonio sueco, ambos catires y ojos azules, con sus respectivos padres catires y ojos azules, y sus respectivos ocho abuelos rubios y ojos azules, tienen un ni�o de piel negra, pelo chicha y con los ojos como aguarapaos.

El padre, picao, se hace la prueba de paternidad, y el m�dico les confirma que el hijo es leg�timo. Ante las reclamaciones del padre, que no lo pod�a entender, el doctor
les explica:

“Bien, estamos ante un evidente caso de la ‘enfermedad de Kodak’: vagina grande, pene peque�o, entra la luz y se vela el ni�o”.

Before Viagra

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says “Grandpa, do you realize that you’re not wearing any pants?” His grandpa replies “Yes Jimmy, I do.”

Jimmy then says “Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?”

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds “Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma’s idea.”

How to screw up an interview

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most
of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite
your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we
did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves
instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this.
We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American
corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job
applicants. The lowlights:

1. “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job
application.”

2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the
music at the same time.”

3. “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to
office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

4. “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the
personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

5. “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping
the ketchup on her sleeve”

6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his
loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering
specific interview questions.”

8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started
tap dancing around my office.”

9 . “At the end of the interview, while I stood there
dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his
hair, and left.”

10. “… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash
picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who
interviewed him.”

11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too
much.”

12. “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant
took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos
only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

13. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the
candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized
and said he had to leave for another interview.”

14. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from
his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “‘Which
company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume
you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’
He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I
didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job
offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

15. “His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the
contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted
makeup and perfume.”

16. “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the
unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

17. “… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture
on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home
now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

18. “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said
that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I
began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going
to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a
switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new
desk.”

Country Music in the

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing “On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…”The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.”Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.”On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…””So what?”, the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery.”But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student.”Are you kidding?” replied the Examiner, “Any asshole can sing country music.”

Chemistry, Duke and Bonkistry

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by
Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as
“Bonkistry”. He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past him to come
up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who
did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such
that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident
going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem
final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some
friends up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and
everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until
early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor
Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told
him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in
time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a
spare and couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on
the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their
story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had
told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about morality
and solutions and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be
easy.” They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however,
for what they saw on the next page…

WHICH TIRE?

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. “I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

Three Nuns and the Statue

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: “I need a cigarette.”

“But honey,” his lover says. “The store closes in two minutes. You’ll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.”

“That’s okay,” He quips. “I’ll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I’ll pretend I’m a statue.”

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man. “Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!” She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. “What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too.” She sticks a quarter up the young man’s ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man’s ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise.

“Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!”

En la parada del autob�s,

En la parada del autob�s, un nutrido grupo espera, en apretada l�nea, su turno subir al veh�culo. Entonces, le llega el turno a una bella joven que viste botas altas y una chaqueta a juego con una peque�a minifalda de cuero. La chica se percata que el escal�n de acceso al autob�s es tan alto, que la mini le va a impedir subir. Sonrojada por la pena, se lleva las manos atr�s, buscando la cremallera, la localiza, la baja un tanto y se dispone a subir. �Nada! Todav�a la falda le impide levantar la pierna para alcanzar el escal�n.

Avergonzada, mira al chofer, sonr�e t�midamente y, de nuevo, se lleva las manos atr�s y baja un poco m�s la cierre. Pese a todo, todav�a la minifalda le impide levantar la pierna para subir.

La gente que espera en l�nea comienza a incomodarse y a protestar. En aquel momento, el fornido tipo que esperaba su turno detr�s de ella, la toma por la cintura, y con facilidad la sube al �mnibus como si fuera una pluma. La muchacha, furiosa, se vuelve al desconocido y le increpa:

“�C�mo se atreve a tocarme, descarado! �Yo no s� qui�n es usted, fresco!”

Y el hombret�n, encogi�ndose de hombros, le responde:

“Lo siento, se�orita, pens� que despu�s de haber tratado de abrirme la bragueta dos veces seguidas ya �ramos amigos, �o no?”