If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Testicles
Category: other
Nurse's Fanclub
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.”Why all the attention ?” the friend asked.”You look fine to me.””I know !” grinned the patient.”But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.”
Jake was dying
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“Becky, my darling,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest, don’t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice. “I have something that I must confess.”
“There isn’t anything to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything’s alright, go to sleep.”
“No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I… I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know,” whispered Becky, “that’s why I poisoned you.”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
Llega el due�o de una
Llega el due�o de una casa en compa��a de su abogado a echar una persona de su casa de alquiler y dice el hombre: “�Te dije que no te pagaba la renta hasta que no me resolvieras el problema de las ratas!”
“Veamos”, dice el abogado, “mu�streme las ratas de las cuales habla.”
Al pasar por la cocina ven jaibas, cangrejos, calamares, arrastr�ndose por el suelo y las paredes. Y dice el due�o de la casa: “�Y que hacen todos estos bichos aqu�?”
A lo que el inquilino responde: “�Primero termina con el problema de las ratas y luego seguimos con el de la humedad!”
22 de julio de 1976:
22 de julio de 1976:
Hoy cumplo cinco a�os. Mi mam� me cont� que cuando nac�, el doctor fue a la sala de espera y le dijo a mi papi: “Hicimos todo lo que pudimos pero lamentablemente sali� vivo”.
6 de junio de 1980:
Hoy, mi madre me confes� que nunca me dej� mamar sus senos. Dice que s�lo me quer�a como amigo.
12 de noviembre de 1981:
Hoy fui secuestrado. Los secuestradores me cortaron un dedo y se lo enviaron a mis padres para pedir recompensa. Mi padre les contest� que quer�a m�s pruebas.
25 de diciembre, Navidad de 1982:
Hoy me di cuenta que mis padres me odian. Me regalaron un juguete para que lo use en la ba�era: una plancha el�ctrica.
D�a del Padre, 1983:
Le regal� una billetera y una foto m�a a mi pap�. Tom� la billetera, la abri�… y prefiri� dejar la foto que vino dentro.
En un d�a de feria, 1984:
Hoy me perd� entre la gente. Le pregunt� al polic�a si cre�a que �bamos a encontrar a mis padres. Me contest�: “No lo s�, muchacho, hay un mont�n de lugares donde pudieron haberse escondido”.
30 de agosto, 1993:
Hoy muri� mi padre. Su �ltimo deseo antes de morir fue que me sentara en sus piernas. Lo condenaron a la silla el�ctrica.
3 de febrero, 1996:
Hoy renunci� a mi primer trabajo. Era en una tienda de animales. La gente no paraba de preguntarle al due�o cuanto costaba el gorila.
14 de febrero, D�a de los Enamorados, 1996:
Hoy me llam� una chica a mi casa y me dijo: “Es D�a de los Enamorados. Ven a mi casa ahora que no hay nadie”. Cuando llegu�, no hab�a nadie.
15 de abril, 1998:
Hoy es el d�a de mi boda. Estoy muy feliz. Espero que mi esposa la est� pasando bien. Est� en Londres, de luna de miel, con su jefe.
26 de abril, 1998:
A mi esposa le gusta mucho hablar conmigo despu�s del sexo. Hoy me llam� a casa desde un hotel.
27 de abril, 1998:
No aguanto la infidelidad de mi mujer. Hoy intent� suicidarme y me tom� un frasco entero de aspirinas. Me llevaron al hospital y el doctor me dijo: “Para que no le vuelva a pasar t�mese una cerveza con un aderezo de cianuro”.
28 de abril, 1998:
Me llevaron con un psiquiatra. �l me dijo que yo estaba loco. Le respond� que quer�a escuchar una segunda opini�n. “De acuerdo, adem�s de loco, usted est� muy feo”.
4 de mayo, 1998:
Me iba a suicidar tir�ndome desde la azotea de un edificio de 50 pisos. Enviaron a un sacerdote a darme unas palabras de aliento; sus palabras fueron: “En sus marcas, listos…”
Books
Did you ever read the book stains on the walls by who flung poo
Skunks and Lawyers
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Juanito llega llorando desconsoladamente a
Juanito llega llorando desconsoladamente a la casa. Su mam� le pregunta que por qu� llora y el le dice: “Es que Pepito me dijo cara de test�culo”.
Su madre, indignada, va de regreso con Juanito a la escuela y al entrar a la oficina del director le dice: “Mire usted, se�or Director, �qu� clase de escuela es �sta? Imag�nese usted que Pepito ha llamado a mi hijo cara de test�culo.”
“�Se�ora, usted perdone, pero eso no puede ser! Estos ni�os de primer grado ni siquiera saben lo que es el test�culo.”
En eso pasa por ah� Pepito y lo pesca el Director. “Oye muchacho vente para ac�. Pepito, �verdad que t� no sabes lo que es el test�culo?”
“Claro que s� s�, se�or Director. Mire usted: el test�culo forma parte del aparato reproductor masculino. Se encuentra en un n�mero de dos. Es el responsable de producir y almacenar los espermatoz�ides. Por encima del test�culo se encuentra el t�bulo semin�fero distal, que se comunica con el proximal apenas entrar al conducto prost�tico, para despu�s alcanzar la uretra. El test�culo se encuentra en una bolsa colgante, colorada, arrugada, llena de pelos… �igualita a la cara del hijueputa de Juanito!”
Michael Jackson
What do you get if you cross Michael Jackson with Arnold Swartznigger????????
Michael wozanigger
Eating dogs
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The Bible for Dummies
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
A Mexican joke
Why did God give Mexicans a nose?
So they’d have something to pick in the off season!