Category: other

This is the Official Moron Test. It’s based upon typical graduation requirements at Harvard.

Try to finish within 5 minutes. When you are done, count the number correct and see how you compare to others. OK, here we go…

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Can a man in California marry his widow’s sister?

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?

11. A butcher in the market is 5’10” tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

13. What was the President’s name in 1960?

NO CHEATING ***
So how do you think you did? (Scroll down for answers.)

TEST ANSWERS:
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No? Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

2. How many birthdays does the average man have? One (1). You can only be born once.

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.

4. How many outs are there in an inning? Six (6). Don’t forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.

5. Can a man in California marry his widow’s sister? No. He must be dead if it is his widow.

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you
left with? Two (2). You take two apples … therefore YOU have TWO apples.

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an
hour. How long will the pills last?
One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has
passed.

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark? None. I didn’t know that Moses had an ark.

11. A butcher in the market is 5′ 10 tall. What does he weigh?
Meat … that is self-explanatory.

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE … it’s a dozen.

13. What was the President’s name in 1960? George Bush. As far as I know, he hasn’t changed his name.

So, how did you do?
13 correct………GENIUS…you are good.
10-12 correct….ABOVE AVERAGE…but don’t let it go to your head.
7-9 correct……..AVERAGE…but who wants to be average?
4-6 correct……..SLOW…pay attention to the questions!
1-3 correct………IDIOT…what else can be said?
0 correct…………CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint
of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and
land in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away
and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a
long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his
fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”

A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church, slipped and fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt.

Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her from the Church steps.

“Are you OK ?” he asked.

“Yes, but is Mass out ?” she asked.

“No ma’am,” he replied, “but your hat is on crooked.”

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look … twins!”
— Rodney Dangerfield

During a lesson at school, we were learning about various animals from around the world. Everything from Alligators to Zebras.One of the animals I we covered was the mountain lion, and i was interested in learning more.The teacher asked me “Do you like mountain lions?”I replied cheekily “I don’t know, i’ve never mounted any.”

Breve lecci�n tomada del curso “Ecuador sin barreras”

El Ecuatoriano no se cae: se va de oreja, se va de trompa, se saca la madre, se hace mierda, se saca la chucha.

El Ecuatoriano no vigila: te chekea, te sapea, te lookea o esta de “ojo seco”.

El Ecuatoriano no se burla: te huevea, te chacharea, te jode, te “batracea”, o te ve la cara de pendejo.

El Ecuatoriano no se enamora: se encamota, se emperra, se calzonea, se mete o se clava.

El Ecuatoriano no te convence: te hace el mudo, te baila, te engatusa, te entuca, te lambonea o te cepilla.

El Ecuatoriano no enamora o conquista: tira los perros, mete labia” o calienta oreja .

El Ecuatoriano no se enoja: se come mierda, se arrecha, se emputa o se cabrea.

El ecuatoriano no tiene amigos: tiene panas, “profeshores”, “compreshores” yuntas, “socios”, �a�os, primos o brothers

El Ecuatoriano no te golpea: te saca la chucha!, te saca la madre!, te saca la puta!, te saca el “cebo”!… o te lanza a sus panas.

El Ecuatoriano no tiene amantes: Tiene culitos, tiene agarres, tiene vaciles, tiene peladas, o tiene hembras.

El ecuatoriano no hace brindis: el chupa, se pica, se embala y despu�s se empluta o se chuma y hace huevadas.

El ecuatoriano no tiene pareja: el bacila, se amarra, se anda en huevadas o cojudea.

El ecuatoriano no se viste elegante: se encachina, se pone elegance, se turquea, esta pintero o “se pone la dominguera”.

El ecuatoriano no pregunta si algo anda mal, dice: que te agarr�?, que puctas te anda pasando?, que es que andas medio cojudo? O que est�s con cara de mudo?

El ecuatoriano no dice “no me molestes”, dice: Andate a la verga, m�tete el dedo por el culo, anda a joderle a tu mama o “no me jodas o te saco la puta!!!”.

El ecuatoriano no te roba: te baja, te chorea, te gana, te patea algo o te deja chiro.

El Ecuatoriano no sale deprisa: sale hecho un pedo, “sopla”, se embala o va hecho un culo.

El Ecuatoriano no se retira: se la saca, se hace el loco, se marchita, se margina o se baraja o se “asoma profeshor”.

El Ecuatoriano no dice cosas sin sentido: habla huevadas, habla pendejadas o habla por el culo.

El Ecuatoriano no dice �Ay! dice: CHUCHA!, �jueputa!, �verrrrrga!, “tumadre”, la puta que te pari� o hijo de la valiente puta.

El ecuatoriano no dice “adios”, dice: topamos, me saco de esta huevada, ah� los vidrios, asomaraste, calabaza o no te perder�s, “asoma profeshor” o chaolin.

El ecuatoriano no se asusta: se pone a parir vacas, monos, sapos, culebras y elefantes o a sudar piedras.

El ecuatoriano no miente: te mete el dedo,te dice huevadas, te fabulea o te cree cojudo.

El ecuatoriano no te insulta: te manda a la verga, te putea, o le cambia de nombre a tu madre.

El Ecuatoriano no besa: mama, cobra, come, mete lengua o chupa muela.

El Ecuatoriano no se acuesta: culea, tira, come rico, forra, socotroquea, te da gato, se abre de patas o se pega un palo.

El Ecuatoriano no vive lejos: vive en la mierda, vive de la verga a la izquierda, vive donde los mosquitos usan repelente o vive en la casa de la pinga, donde vive la Fat…, o donde el frio sale con poncho!!!

Actually, God made Adam white because He Himself is white. Here’s the proof:�To Moses he said “I am what I am”. If He were black, He’d have said “I be what I be.”

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make
the “in-flight safety lecture” a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables
and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable
position.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6
ways out of this airplane…”

“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments.”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort
you to the wing of the airplane.”

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately.”

Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I
am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as
we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross
in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to
retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant
announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a
video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.”

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our
cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign.
I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big
fella…WHOA..!”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking.
I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t
the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault…..it
was the asphalt!”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for
flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,”
said the pilot, “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we
land or were we shot down?”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach
the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect
landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal.”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
“Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more.”

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines.”

Why do brides wear white? The dishwasher should match the stove and refrigerator.

Put THIS in your toaster…Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday. A severe yeast infection is blamed for shortening his life. He was 71.Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who ‘never knew how much he was kneaded.’Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes, and loafing around. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.Fresh is survived by his second wife, a real tart. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral will be tomorrow, at 350 for about 20 minutes.

The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.

“When I tell you I love you,” he asked, “why do you always lower your eyes?”

“To see if it’s true,” she answered shyly.

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?

She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.