Category: other

Un septuagenario se transporta en el metro de la ciudad de Washington, D.C. Cuando el tren se detiene en la estaci�n del Capitolio, se abren las puertas y se sube un muchacho vestido al estilo ‘punk’: los pelos parados y pintados de todos los colores y vistiendo ropa escandalosa y estrafalaria. El anciano se le queda mirando fijamente hasta que el ‘punk’, todo molesto, le reclama:

“�Qu� tanto mira, abuelo? �Acaso cuando usted fue joven nunca hizo nada raro o anormal?”

El viejito, muy serio, le contesta:

“Si, hijo, precisamente por eso te estoy observando. Cuando ten�a tu edad, tuve sexo con una guacamaya y ahorita estoy pensando que �t� puedes ser mi hijo!”

This letter is being sent to you because we know you are critically interested in your front lawn, and this summer season will soon be upon us.

This is a fertilizer club and will not cost you a cent to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of this list and shit on their front lawn. You won’t be the only one there, so don’t be embarrassed. Then make five copies of this letter and send it to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns.

You will not get any money or checks, but within one week if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,216 people shitting on your front lawn Your reward will come next summer when you will have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.

What kind of tires do Delorean’s have?
Snow Tires.

What happens as a Delorean drives down the street?
The white line disappears.

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said, “Are you my father?”

The doctor said, “No, I am the doctor that delivered you.” Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said, “Are you my father?”

The nurse said, “No, I am just the nurse.” Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said, “Are you my father?”

The new father said proudly, “Yes! I am your father.”

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said, “So how do YOU like it?!”

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” announced the 60 year old. “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 60 year old. “When you’re 70, you can’t take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran – you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !”

“Actually,” said the eighty year old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?”, asked the sixty year old.
“No … not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse – no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble taking a crap?”, asked the 70 year old.
“No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o’clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What’s so tough about being eighty?”

To which the eighty year old replied – “I don’t wake up until ten!”

What do you call an etheopian with an afro?

A microphone.

What do you call an etheopian with a big toe?

A golfclub.

What do you call an etheopian with a penny on its head?

A nail.

How many etheopians can you fit in a tub?

None. They all keep going down the drain.

What do you call an etheopian with three teeth missing?

A rake.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, “I am going to lock you away for five years, but I’ll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away.”

The Englishman says, “I’ll have five years’ supply of beer!”
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.

The Frenchman says, “I’ll have five years’ supply of brandy!”
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.

The Polak says, “I’ll have five years’ supply of cigarettes!”
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.

Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners.
First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk.
Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk.

Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, “Has anyone got a light?”

1.- La gente que, cuando me pregunta la hora, se�ala su mu�eca.

�Carajo, yo ya s� donde tengo mi reloj! �Qu� t� no? �Qu� acaso cuando preguntan por el ba�o tambi�n se agarran su cosa?

2.- Me choca la gente que est� dispuesta a recorrer toda la casa y revisar cada uno de los rincones del cuarto para buscar el control remoto, porque “le da flojera pararse a cambiarle manualmente”.

3.-Cuando la gente te dice: “Las cosas siempre est�n en el �ltimo lugar en el que buscas”.

�Claro! S� no, �para qu� carajos hubieras seguido buscando si ya lo encontraste? �A poco hay gente que de veras lo hace?

4.-Cuando te dicen en el cine: “�Viste eso?”

�No, idiota, pagu� $40.00 para venir al cine y quedarme viendo al techo!

5.-La gente que te pregunta: “�Te puedo preguntar algo?”

Como que no te dan mucha alternativa �no?

6.-Cuando algo es “nuevo y mejorado”.

�Qu� fregados es? Si es nuevo es que no exist�a antes y si es mejorado… �No puede ser el primero de su especie!

7.-Cuando un polic�a te detiene y te pregunta: “�a qu� velocidad iba, joven?”

Carajo, t� deber�as de saber. T� me paraste �no?

8.- Preguntas est�pidas como:

Me robaron.
�QUI�N?

Se me perdi� mi cartera.
�D�NDE?

�TE CORTASTE EL PELO?
No, g�ey, me cay� �cido en la cabeza o no, est�pido, se me encogi� la cabeza

�EST�S EMBARAZADA?
No, me puse esta bata para ver si me quedaba bien.

�YA LLEGASTE?
No, est�s viendo un holograma.

Cuando en lugares como el estadio de futbol, el cine, o inclusive un restaurante o una biblioteca, te preguntan:

�QU� HACES AQU�?
Nada, vine a barrer… a saludar a los meseros y ya me voy.

Two bees buzz around what’s left of a rose bush.

“How was your summer?” asks bee number one.

“Not too good,” sez bee two.

“Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen.”

The first bee has an idea. “Hey, why don’t you go down the corner and hang a left? There’s a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit.”

Bee two buzzes, “Thanks!” and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. “How was the bar mitzvah?” asks the info-bee.

“Great!” sez buddy-bee. The first bee peers at his pal and wonders,

“What’s that on your head?”

“A yarmulke,” is the answer. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

Yo’ mama so fat, when she goes to a stadium, she sits next to everybody!

Hillbilly Sex Quiz

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False) and circle the T or F as appropriate.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F

3. “Spread Eagle” is an extinct bird. T F

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. T F

5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. T F

6. A G-string is part of a violin. T F

7. Semen is another word for “sailor”. T F

8. Anus is the Latin word for “yearly”. T F

9. Testicles are found on an octopus. T F

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. T F

11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T F

12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. T F

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. T F

14. Fetus is a character on “Gunsmoke”. T F

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. T F

16. A condom is an apartment complex. T F

17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior in church. T F

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. T F

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. T F

20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials. T F

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. T F

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. T F

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. T F

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. T F

25. Douche is the Italian word for “twelve”. T F

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. T F

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. T F

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause”. Actual dialogue of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“…….Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“…….Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing suff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”