Category: other

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.”How romantic!” she thought. Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.”Almost ready!” he vowed.”Sorry it took me so long — I had to refill the pepper shaker.” “Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?” “More’n an hour, I reckon. Wasn’t easy stuffin’ it through those dumb little holes.”

What is the difference between a black guy and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four!!!

One day Hitler, Saddam, and Bin Laden went to a gate to see if their going HEAVEN orHELL Hitler told this one guy that he started a war. Then the guy said to go to the left. Then Saddam said bush wanted me to start a war. Then the guy said ok go to the right. Then Bin Laden said i accidently blew up a plain. Then the guy said go right. Hitler said hey why are they going to heaven? then the guy said because they didnt do anything bad. Then Hitler said can i go warm up their place?

One day a teacher went into her classroom and saw the word “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day’s lesson.

The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read :

“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

Iban Paco y Pepe en un auto, de viaje, Paco y Pepe. Paco mientras manejaba, llegaron a una parte del camino en la cual hab�an puras curvas, y en cada curva, Pepe dec�a: P�o, p�o, p�o, p�o… en la siguiente curva p�o, p�o, p�o, p�o… y as� todo el camino.

Cuando llegaron a su destino, Paco le pregunta a Pepe:

“Oye Pepe, �por qu� te viniste todo el camino haciendo Pio, Pio?”

Y Pepe le responde:

“Lo que ocurre es que mi padre se mat� en una curva y no alcanz� a decir ni p�o al momento de morir.”

One day John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

“So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said. “The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. “No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teen age daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine, when John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teen age daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar.

He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour.

Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, “I’ve got some bad news, smart ass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!”

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone
he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – “and how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200.00 a
week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – “here’s a week’s pay,
now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and
asks – “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters –
“Pizza delivery guy”.

Three young candidates who want to enter into religious life are told that they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The religious leader leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell…”Oh Albert,” says the religious man, “I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.” As Albert leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell… “Joshua, Joshua,” sighs their elder.”You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.” The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved. “Richard, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor.”Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower.” *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell…

En un voraz incendio, el jefe de los bomberos nota que le faltan dos de los integrantes. Cuando los est� buscando, observa que el cami�n se mueve en forma cadenciosa; abre la puerta, y encuentra a los dos bomberos perdidos en plena activida sexual.

“��Pero que est� pasando aqu�?!”, pregunta indignado el jefe.

“Lo que pasa es que mi compa�ero se estaba asfixiando con el humo y yo vine a darle auxilio”.

“�Pero para la asfixia lo que se recomienda es respiraci�n boca a boca!” grita enojado su superior.

“�S� jefe, as� fue que empezamos!”

Psalm of BushBush is my shepherd I shall not lieHe leadeth me beside the still farms and small towns.He restoreth my doubt in the Repulican partyHe guideth me down the path of untold debt for the party’s sake.My wages he will freeze but my expenses runneth over my income.He cuteth taxes for the wealthiest surely.Poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican partyand I shall live in a rented house forever.5,000 years ago, Moses said:”Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land.”5,000 years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said:”Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camelthis is the promised land.”Today, Bush will steal your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass, and tell you know there is no promised land.I am glad I am an American and I am glad that I am freebut I wish I were a little dog and bush were a tree.

Always take the time to smell the roses…and sooner or later
you’ll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek…nothing
gets the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be
sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

It’s always darkest before dawn…so if you’re gonna steal the
neighbors newspaper, that’s the tme to do it.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown…and fewer still
to ignore someone completely.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked up into jet
engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t
be blamed on someone else.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I
guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry…but it takes a bigger man to laugh
at that man.

When I’m feeling down I like to whistle…it makes my neighbor’s
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit,what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

* I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

* Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men?