Category: other

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

Revelations on My Life

1. I’m not into working out. You see, my philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

5. People say you have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her!

8. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific!

Una pareja de granjeros estaban haciendo el amor y, en plena sesi�n, el granjero le toca los senos a la mujer, los acaricia y le dice:

“�Ajuaaah! si estos senos dieran galones de leche, botar�a a todas las vacas de la granja, �ajuaaah!”

Luego le acaricia el trasero y le dice:

“�Oooh! �si este trasero pudiera poner cientos de huevos, botar�a a todas las gallinas de la granja!”

Entonces la mujer granjera le coge el pip� y le dice:

“Y si esta cosa se parara mas a menudo, �Ajuaaah, botar�a a todos los peones de la granja!”

Researchers at the Harvard Business School recently concluded a three year, $7.6 million study of American corporate workers. The study, a 23,000 page document, which focused on the recreational preferences of those workers, is summarised below.1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf. CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

‘The Xmas-Files’by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely 57 Elm Street Bethlehem, Pa. 11:51 p.m., December 24th.’We’re too late! It’s already been here.’ ‘Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing.’ ‘Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.’ ‘You really think someone’s been here?’ ‘Someone, or something.’ ‘Mulder, over here–it’s a fruitcake.’ ‘Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.’ ‘It’s O.K. There’s a note attached: ‘Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.” ‘It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.’ ‘Who? What are you talking about?’ ‘Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.’ ‘But that’s legend, Mulder–a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don’t believe it?’ ‘Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive–and in a hurry.’ ‘It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.’ ‘It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.’ ‘But why would they leave it milk and cookies?’ ‘Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.’ ‘But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.’ ‘Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.’ ‘Wait a minute, Mulder. If you’re saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.’ ‘But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?’ ‘You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?’ ‘Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.’ ‘Impossible.’ ‘I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!’ ‘I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll close the X-files.’ ‘Scully, listen to me: It knows when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.’ ‘But we have no proof.’ ‘Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.’ ‘But that was a meteor shower.’ ‘Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody–not even the zookeeper–was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.’ ‘Mulder, I–‘ ‘Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?’ ‘On the roof. It sounds like … a clatter.’ ‘The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.’

Why aren’t [ethnic] people blonde?

How dumb do you want them to be?

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I’m going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll save half the time to get there”.The fair young lady said, “How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?”The farmer said, “I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”The young lady said, “Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the friggen chickens!”

Llega Pepito con su mam�, que est� embarazada, y le pregunta:

“�Mam�, qu� es lo tienes en el est�mago?”

“Un ni�o.”

“�Y quien te lo dio?”

“Tu pap�.”

Pepito sale coriendo a ver a su pap� y le dice:

“Oye, pap�, no le des ni�os a mi mam�, porque se los come.”

The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM at the Giant gas station.

Of course the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news. In the local paper the next day, they had a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that said: “I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try and keep up!”

A traveling salesman from New York was traveling through Georgia around Christmas time and stopped at a convenience store next to a church.

He told the lady cashier that the nativity scene next door was really beautiful but he couldn’t understand why the three wise men had firemens helmets on.

The lady said “that’s the trouble with you yankees, you never read your Bibles or you would know.”

He said “maam, I have read my Bible through three times and I have never seen anything to explain this.”

She said, ” I will show you” and opened up her bible. ” It says right here that the three wise men came from a “far”.

Un grupo de cubanos abandonan la isla con rumbo a Miami. En medio del viaje, el m�s viejo de los cubanos sufre un ataque cardiaco y pide como �ltimo deseo ver la bandera para despedirse de su querida Cuba.

Los otros cubanos, para complacer el deseo del viejo, comenzaron a buscar la bandera en pa�uelos, carteras, chaquetas, cualquier lugar donde pudiera estar impresa. Despu�s de un rato, cansados de buscar, se dieron cuenta de que no ten�an nada con la bandera, pero de repente una joven de 20 a�os interrumpi� diciendo:

“Yo tengo un tatuaje de la bandera de Cuba en una nalga y me ofrezco para ayudar con la petici�n del anciano”.

La ni�a, que estaba bien rica, se para delante del cubano, se da vuelta, baja sus pantalones y le muestra su nalga con el tatuaje de la bandera. El cubano la agarra fuertemente, besa la bandera, acaricia la nalga y dice:

“Mi querida Cuba, me despido con recuerdos, mi vieja Habana, mi linda tierra.”

Despu�s de un rato (y muchos besos), le dice a la joven:

“Mira, ni�a. Ahora, como parte de mi �ltimo deseo, �date la vuelta que quiero despedirme de Fidel con un beso bien grande!”

A tourist asks a man in uniform, “Are you a policeman?””No, I am an undercover detective.””So why are you in uniform?””Today is my day off.”