Category: other

How does a Russian commit suicide?

He smells his armpit

How does an American commit suicide?

He tells this joke to a Russian.

Era la hora del ba�o de los s�bados del padre Juan. La joven hermana Magdalena hab�a preparado las toallas y el agua para el ba�o, tal como la vieja sor Mar�a le hab�a indicado. La hermana Magdalena hab�a sido instruida para no mirar la desnudez del padre Juan, y si ella pod�a lo ayudaba en todo lo que fuere pedido y orara.

En la ma�ana siguiente la vieja sor Mar�a le pregunt� a la hermana Magdalena como hab�a sido el ba�o del s�bado.

“�Oh hermana!, le dijo la joven monja en forma entusiasta, �he sido salvada!”

�Y c�mo sucedi� tan magno evento? pregunt� la anciana sor.

“Bien, cuando el padre Juan estaba metido en la tina, me pidi� que lo lavase. Mientras lo estaba lavando, gui� mi mano hacia abajo, entre sus piernas, mientras me dec�a que, ah�, el Se�or guardaba la llave del Cielo.”

“�Lo sab�a! – dijo la vieja �cidamente.

La hermana Magdalena contin�a el relato:

“El padre Juan dijo que si la llave del Cielo coincid�a con mi cerradura los portales del para�so se abrir�an para mi y tendr�a asegurada la salvaci�n y la paz eterna. Y el padre Juan gui� su llave del cielo a mi cerradura.”

“Es un hecho”, dijo la vieja sor aun mas �cidamente.

“Al principio dol�a terriblemente, pero el padre Juan me dijo que el camino a la salvaci�n es, a menudo, doloroso y que la gloria de Dios pronto llenar�a mi coraz�n de �xtasis. Y as� fue y me sent�a tan bien siendo salvada.”

“�Ese viejo diablo!” dijo la vieja monja. “A mi me dijo que era la trompeta del Arc�ngel Gabriel y se la vengo soplando desde hace 40 a�os.”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
God made me pretty
But what happened to you

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just co-operate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”

“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!”

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “i would love to be
able to get to the top of yonder tree”, sighed the pheasant, “but i haven�t got
the energy”.

well, why don�t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
“they�re packed with nutrients”.

the pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. the next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. finally, after a
fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was
spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and
shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

moral of the story:

bulls*** might get you to the top, but it won�t keep you there.

The radio show was Queensland FM (QFM) and the host was Jim.

The phone-in competition was to give an English word that’s not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles.

The show went as follows (don’t forget the Aussie accent):

Jim: ‘Hi, this is Jim. What’s your name and what’s your word’

Caller: ‘This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n. ‘

Jim: ‘Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.’

Bob from the bush: ‘Gaan f*** yourself!’

Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: ‘Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language.’

Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later…

Jim: ‘Hi, this is Jim at QFM. What’s your name and what’s your word.’

Caller: ‘This is Steve from Caloundra and my word is smee, spelt s. m. e. e. ‘

Jim: ‘Thanks Steve, we’re just checking… and… yes, smee does not appear in the Oxford Dictionary. Now for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.’

Steve: ‘Smee again, gaan f*** yourself!’

1) The “Sermon on the Mount” would be a musical.

2) Jesus would *never* wear white after Labor Day.

3) Priests would get married… wait a minute… never mind.

4) The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.

5) Mary’s hair would be FLAWLESS.

6) The Temple would not have been cleansed of moneychangers, just re-decorated.

7) The water at the Wedding Feast of Canaan would have turned into dry martinis with just a splash of Curacao for color.

8) The Triumphal Entry just screams for a drag number.

9) Replace the “Beatitudes” with “Fabulous are they…”

10) The Last Supper would have been a brunch.

DETROIT–With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic
market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win
airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon
violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come
standard in all of the company’s 1997 cars.

“Auto accidents have never been so exciting,” said GM vice-president of
marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales
significantly. “When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next
fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or
a year’s worth of free Mobil gasoline.”

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly
positive. “As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to
myself, ‘Oh, boy, this could be it–I could be a big winner!'” said Cincinnati’s
Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they
were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck.
“When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but
all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I
could read that airbag!”

Hartford, CT, resident Jonathan Ryerson was killed Sunday when his 1997
Pontiac LeMans hit a freight train. Ryerson won $50 in the accident. “It’s
really addictive,” said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from
her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain
hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. “I’ve already crashed four cars trying
to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven’t won. I swear, I’m going to
win those tickets–even if it kills me!”

Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new
Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the
airbag contest has been so well received. “In the past, nobody really liked car
wrecks, and that’s understandable. After all, they’re scary and dangerous and,
sometimes, even fatal,” GM CEO Paul Offerman said. “But now, when you drive a
new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who
wouldn’t like that?”

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed,
that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM’s official
contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass
Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances
of winning are significantly worse. “If you factor in the odds of getting in a
serious car accident in the first place–approximately 1 in 720,000–the actual
odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31
trillion.” Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the
airbag will inflate. “I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new
Chevy Cavalier,” said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. “My car was totaled, and
because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn’t even inflate.
But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side
with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift
certificate. That’s just wrong.”

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as “Brown-n-Serve,” Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes — conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he goes “Aha! A solution exists!” and goes back to frying the egg.Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician lights a fire in the corner, and says “I have reduced it to the previous problem.”

This man at the side of the road was fixing his flat tire. A police car stops behind his and the officer strolls to him to offer help.

The man says he’s doing OK and doesn’t need help.

The officer takes a walk around the car to make sure everything is OK. He spots a large knife with a fancy handle on the passenger seat.

When he asks about the knife, the man says it’s his and he uses it as a juggler at the local circus.

The officer then asks him to demonstrate his act to be sure the man is telling the truth, and the man goes through his routine.

Meanwhile a car with two recovering alcoholics drives by.

The driver says to his passenger, “Man … I am glad I stopped drinking when I did. It’s amazing what they make them do these days at those roadside sobriety checks!”

A big, fat lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
The bartender says,” Hey, where’d you get the pig.” She says,
“It’s not a pig it’s a duck.” He says, “I was talking to the
duck.”