Category: other

1. You so ugly your mom had to tie a pork chop around your neck just so
the dog would play with you.

2. Is that your face or did your neck throw up?

3. Is that your hair line or is your hair running away from your face?!

One Day the Devil challenged God to a baseball game.

Smiling God proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey
Mantle, and all the greatest players up here.”

“Yes,” snickered the devil, “but I have all the umpires!”

A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, “I know I many be shallow, but they’re so small. I just can’t stand them!”

Her girl friend replied, “Look, don’t get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment.”

“You do look good. OK, I’ll do it.”

She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, “Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing. Here’s what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day. And to help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn’t done them that morning. She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.

She was startled when a fellow came up and said, “Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don’t you?”

“Why yes,” she said, “but how did you know that?”

He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock…….

Dos homosexuales se casan y se van en viaje de luna de miel en un avi�n en vuelo nocturno.

Al anochecer, la azafata les entrega a los pasajeros mantas y almohadas, les desea buenas noches y apaga la luz. En la oscuridad, uno de los maricones se empieza a calentar y le sugiere a su pareja hacer el amor. El otro se niega porque cree que los pueden pillar.

El que estaba m�s caliente le propone levantarse y hablar en voz alta para asegurarse de que todos est�n durmiendo. As� es que se levante y dice en voz alta:

“�Alguien tiene f�sforos…!”

Tras repetir en tres ocasiones el pedido y como nadie contesta, los maricones empiezan a hacer el amor desaforadamente.

A la ma�ana siguiente, la azafata les da los buenos d�as y retira las mantas y almohadas. Un viejito la llama susurrando:

“…se�orita, �puede darme una coca-cola?”

La azafata le pregunta el porqu� habla tan bajito.

“Resulta que anoche a alguien se le ocurri� pedir f�sforos en voz alta �y se lo fornicaron toda la noche!”

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, �Where have you been?� �I’ve been to the pub,� slurs the drunk. �Well,� says the cop, �it looks like you’ve had quite a few.� �I did alright,� the drunk says with a smile. �Did you know,� says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, �that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?� �Oh, thank heavens,� sighs the drunk. �For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.�

Accountants What’s the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand. What’s the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him. When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realises he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker. What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality. What’s an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own. What’s an auditor? Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year. There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can’t. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation. An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

…They buried the bishop the next day.

Se muere Marx y se va al infierno. A los tres dias sube el demonio a ver a San Pedro.

“�Co�o Botero, que mala cara traes!”

“No me hables, macho, que me han mandao a un tal Marx, y ya no hay quien haga nada en el infierno. El t�o ha montao una revoluci�n, con manifestaciones, huelgas… para que te voy a contar.”

“Oye, pues m�ndamelo p’ac� unas semanas, a ver si se calman las cosas ah� abajo.”

“Pedro, macho, me has salvao la vida. Esta tarde te lo mando.”

A las 3 semanas vuelve a subir Lucifer.

“Que, �c�mo os va con el Marx ese que os mand�?”

“Ah, perfecto, macho, el t�o se ha integrado aqu� como nadie. Ha echo amigos con los �ngeles, con los santos…”

El demonio, sorprendido dice:

“Pero… pero… �y que dice Cristo a todo esto?”

“�Uy! Cristo y Marx son �ntimos, como u�a y carne, siempre juntos discutiendo problemas filos�ficos…”

El demonio no da credito a lo que oye, y pregunta:

“Pero bueno, �y Dios que dice a todo esto?”

“�Dios…? �Dios…? �Pero si Dios no existe!”

So there is a russian, a coloradan, and and mexican all sitting around the campfire. The russian is drinking a white russian, the mexican is drinking a margarita and the coloradan a coors. So the russian takes his drink, throws it in the air and shoots it. The mexican and coloradan asked “why did u do that?” he said ” where i come from we have plenty of those.” Then the mexican took his margarita, threw it in the air, and shot it, then the coloradan and the russian asked “why did u do that?” The mexican replied ” where i come from we have plenty of margaritas.” So then the coloradan takes the mexican, throws him in the air and shoots him. The russian says “why did u do that?” the then coloradan replies “where i come from we have plenty of mexicans!”

Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?

A: He’s the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law’s death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies, “Don’t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!”

Shamus had been bitten by a rabid dog, and had medical help arrived quickly afterwards.”Get me a sheet of paper and a pen” Shamus said “You’ll be o.k., there’s no need to write out a will” the medic said.”I’m don’t want to write a will” Shamus replied “I want to write a list of people I want to bite.”