Category: other

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.

2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation….

3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

6. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

8. I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

9. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write “A very good doctor.”

Two Irishmen are standing on the top of a cliff, looking out over a huge
drop to the rocks below.

One turns to the other and says, “OK, Paddy, a pact is a pact. We’re
going to do it, right?”

Paddy says, “If you tink we should, Murphy, I’m with you all the way. As
you say, a pact is a pact, but you go first.”

Murphy thinks about this for a moment, then says, “But you’ll be right
behind me, yes?”

“Oh, yes, Murphy. I’ll do it, but I want to watch you first.”

“OK then Paddy. I’m going. Goodbye!”

With that, Murphy takes a budgerigar out of his coat pocket, ties some
string around its legs, and straps it firmly onto his head. He steps
forward to the edge of the cliff, and throws himself off.

The budgie flaps its wings like mad, but to no avail. It can’t hold the
weight of a thirteen stone Irishman in the air by itself. Murphy falls
splat, and breaks both legs on the rocks.

Paddy has seen all this, but thinks, “A pact is a pact. I have to do
it.”

He takes a parrot out of his jacket pocket, straps it to his head,
salutes, and jumps off the cliff.

Now the parrot is bigger than the budgie, and Paddy is quite a bit
lighter than Murphy, so for a moment the parrot seems to be holding its
own against gravity. However gravity doesn’t get tired, and gradually
Paddy starts to descend.

It seems he is going to make a graceful landing, when about halfway down,
he takes a gun out of his other pocket, and carefully points it at the
parrot on his head, and shoots it dead.

Of course he now falls splat, and breaks his legs too.
Lying there together, Murphy looks at Paddy and says, “I don’t tink much
of dis budgie jumping, Paddy.”

Paddy replies, “And Parrotshooting is not all it’s cracked up to be
neither!”

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.””What is it, child?”The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”

Una pareja ha ligado en un bar; van r�pidamente al apartamento de uno de ellos y enseguida empiezan a follar apasionadamente. En esto, el t�o se fija en que cada vez que entra, la chica dobla las puntas de los dedos de los pies y cuando la saca los vuelve a enderezar. Sin darle mayor importancia, �l sigue en lo suyo, pero al acabar le pregunta a la chica por qu� hac�a eso.

“Es que no me diste tiempo para quitarme los pantis”.

Se est� muriendo la suegra. Toda la familia se encuentra reunida alrededor de su lecho. La viejita mirando hacia la ventana:

“�Qu� lindo atardecer!”

El yerno dirigi�ndose a la suegra:

“�No se distraiga, mam�! �No se distraiga!”

Q. There’s one in every corner and two in every room. What is it?A. O

It was Palm Sunday, and the family’s 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.””Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, and Jesus shows up!”

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Yo’ mama so ugly, she took a beauty nap and slipped into a coma!

THE CREDIT CARD COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:

Priceless

Miramontes y Casimiro, dos amigos invidentes, se fueron de vacaciones. Al llegar al hotel pidieron una habitaci�n doble, con agua caliente, servicio al cuarto y toda la cosa. Por la noche decidieron tratar de dormir temprano. Al acostarse pregunta Casimiro:

“�Apagaste la luz, Miramontes?”

“”S�, s� la apagu�, pero y t� �por qu� encendiste ese f�sforo?”

“Pues para ver si hab�as apagado la luz”.

How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”