Category: other

Llega la mujer y le dice a su esposo que esta leyendo el peri�dico:

“Mira mi amor, �no crees que con este vestido me veo 20 a�os m�s joven?”

Y el esposo la mira y le dice:

“�Y porque no te compras dos vestidos m�s!”

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.

So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.
Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.
But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.
The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?

“Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy’s willy”

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, “Welcome. Is there anything you didn’t have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?”.

The cat thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?”. St. Peter arranged for it.

Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, “Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven?” St. Peter of course granted their wish.

About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, “I like it alot, but I really enjoy those ‘Meals on Wheels'”.

This lady always wanted an expensive car-a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile.

She’s driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo… jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.

Can’t find the damned thing. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it’s right there in front of her. It’s hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.

He demonstrates:

“Classical”, he says. *click* The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.

“Blues”, he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed.

“Country”, she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on.

“Folk” *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol’ Dixie down.

“New Age” *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.

She’s so captivated by this new toy that she isn’t paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.

“ASSHOLE!!!” she screams. *click* and…. “Good morning, everyone. You’re listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show”

Tres muchachos despu�s de una borrachera chocaron y fallecieron. Llegaron a una nube y ah� vieron cien escaleras que sub�an y una voz dijo:

“Aquel que quiera llegar al cielo debe recorrer las cien escaleras y tocar la puerta de San Pedro pero no deben decir ninguna groser�a en el transcurso ni en el cielo. Aquel que lo haga se caera al infierno.”

El primer muchacho iba en las diez primeras pero dijo: “�PUTAS ESCALERAS ESTAN BIEN FACILES!”

Y se cay� al infierno.

El segundo iba en la mitad pero dijo: “�AY PENDEJAS ESCALERAS MAMONAS YA ME CANSE PUTO EL QUE LAS HIZO!”

Y se cay�.

Ya el ultimo llega muy cansado y toca la puerta de San Pedro y no le abre y dice:

“PUTO SAN PEDRO ABRE LA PUERTA!”

Y se cay�.

Despu�s de diez segundos San Pedro abre la puerta, mira para abajo y dice: �QUE PUTAZO SE DIO ESTE!

Y se cay� al infierno.

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The ‘Over 60s Choir’ will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: “Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting
Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!”

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands….

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded.
“You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve!

Two dyslexics were on the ski slope unsure of which way to ski down the
hill. They spot another man and go over to ask him. “When we go down
the slope do we zig zog or do we zog zag??” asked one of them. “Don’t
ask me”, said the man, “I’m a tobogannist”.

“In that case then, I’ll have 20 Cuban cigars and a box of matches please”.

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: “Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?”

The other answered: “Yeah! It’s probably because they have toys to play with!”

How do you get a guy to like you?
Tell him that you have a million dollars.

A Beatle’s Computer Parody Something ——— Something in the way it fails, Defies the algorithm’s logic! Something in the way it coredumps… I don’t want to leave it now I’ll fix this problem somehow Somewhere in the memory I know, A pointer’s got to be corrupted. Stepping in the debugger will show me… I don’t want to leave it now I’m too close to leave it now You’re asking me can this code go? I don’t know, I don’t know… What sequence causes it to blow? I don’t know, I don’t know… Something in the initializing code? And all I have to do is think of it! Something in the listing will show me… I don’t want to leave it now I’ll fix this tonight I vow!BONUS PARODY TITLES!!! ================================================= I Want to Hold Your LAN ———————– ================================================= A Hard Disk Night —————– ================================================= Yellow Subroutine

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times
during the movie “The Net.”
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr./Ms.
President.”
You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now, Professor
“I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”