Yours Fun Portal !
A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
”That will be $1.08, please,” says the clerk.
“What’s the eight cents for?” asks the blonde.
”It says one dollar right here on the packaging.”
”Tax.” replies the clerk.
”Gee,” says the blonde, ”I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she was born, a fight broke out in the delivery room.
There was a brawl over who got to slap her mom first.
Three guys, the American captain, an Australian and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked on an island. On reaching shore, the American asks the Australian to find a good spot for a camp. He turns to the Japanese guy and says to go into the bush and get supplies.’I’ll scout the island and we’ll meet at the camp at dusk,’ said the captain.The captain returns to find the Australian has set up camp but the Japanese guy hadn’t returned.’Where’s that Jap with the supplies?’ said the captain.The night passes and still there is no sign of the Jap with the supplies, so they go looking for him. They scout the whole island but can’t find him.Just as they are returning to camp, the Jap jumps out from behind a tree and shouts, ‘Surplize, surplize.’
what do you call a welsh bird with a stick up her bum?
Taffy Apple
A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse whena visitor turned to the keeper and said, ‘That’s a docile old thing, isn’t it?”No way,’ said the keeper, ‘it’s the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.”Hardly seems possible,’ said the astonished visitor, ‘but why is it lying there licking its arse?”The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.’
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband
was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the
pharmacist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an
apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him,
“Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to
go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, but I’ll be darned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car
keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast,
I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat
tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for
me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and
all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll
of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all
over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the
phone is still ringing – when I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still
ringing with no let up; I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,
Mister, I TOLD HER!!!”
These are responses you may use when caught slepping on the job:
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me.”
“Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!”
“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
“I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
“I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress.”
“Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
“The coffee machine is broken…”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”
” … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”
The box office clerk at the theatre went to the manager’s office to tell him that there were two horses in the foyer.
“Two horses? exclaimed the manager in surprise, what do they want?”
“Two stalls for Monday night.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, “Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”With a smile the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”
Un tontiland�s quiere ir a Londres a visitar a su hijo que est� estudiando all�. Le pregunta a otro de Tontilandia:
��C�mo voy a Londres si no s� ingl�s?�
�No te preocupes, el ingl�s es muy f�cil. S�lo tienes que hablar muy despacio�.
��Ya est�?�
�S�, ver�s como te entienden todos�.
Va el tontiland�s a Londres, aterriza en el aeropuerto, sale y llama a un taxi:
�Bue–nos–d�as. �Po–dr�a lle–var�me a Ox–ford St�-reet.�
�Des�-de lu–e�-go�, le responde el taxista.
��Qu� tal tiem�-po ha�-ce en Lon–dres?�
�Es�-t� llo–vien�-do�.
Y as� siguen hablando mientras se van acercando a la ciudad. Cerca ya de Londres, le pregunta al taxista:
��T� de d�n�-de e–res?�
�Yo de Ton�-ti–lan–dia�.
��An�-da! �En�-ton–ces que ha–ce�-mos los dos ha–blan�-do en in–gl�s?”
A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization.
”I think it would be a good idea.”
Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
The ‘Over 60s Choir’ will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: “Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting
Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!”
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!