An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ”Welcome to heaven, my son.” God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ”I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,” the doctor replies. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” God says. God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” says God, ”but you have to leave in two days.”
Category: other
Good News – Bad News
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.”Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.” The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m not Mrs Brown, I am Miss Brown,” “Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have bad news for you.”
What's for Dinne
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ”Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” ”Well,” the doctor replied, ”go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”. Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, ”For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
The Best Beer
After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “I would like the
world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle
from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the
world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender
gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guiness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The
bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why
aren’t you drinking a Guiness?” and the Guiness resident replies
“Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
SURVIVOR!
THREE MEN ARE STRANDED IN AN ISLAND STARVING. ONE IS ANGLO, BLACK AND A MEXICAN. TIRED OF EATING COCUNUTS THEY DECIDED TO SACRIFICE ONE OF THEIR LIMBS OR BODY PARTS TO EAT. WELL THE ANGLO MAN AGREES ON CHOPPING HIS LEG IN THE MORNING SO THEY CAN HAVE BREAKFAST. LUNCH TIME COMES AND THEY ARE HUNGRY AGAIN SO THEY LOOK AT THE BLACK MAN HE AGREES ON CHOPPING ONE OF HIS HIPS. WELL NIGHT TIME SETS IN AND THE ANGLO AND BLACK MAN BOTH LOOK AT THE MEXICAN MAN WITH ENVY THAT HE HAS NOT SACRFICIED ANYTHING YET SO THEY BOTH TELL HIM THAT THEY ARE HUNGRY AND WANT SOMETHING TO EAT BEFORE THEY GO TO BED. THE MEXICAN MAN PAUSES FOR A MINUTE AND THEN STARTS TO PULL HIS PANTS DOWN WHEN THE TWO OTHER MEN START CHANTING YES! HOT DOG!! THE MEXICAN MAN SAYS TO THEM NOPE, MILK SO YOU GUYS CAN GO TO SLEEP!!!!! !!
A man is drowning in the sea…
A man is drowning in the sea.� Help me, Lord,” he cries.
Just then, a fishing trawler comes by. ”Climb on board” yells the skipper.
”No, no, no,” says the drowning man. ”The Lord will save me.”
”Kiwi will be on our way, then,” replies the captain.
Two minutes later a rescue helicopter landed along-side the poor chap, and the
pilot threw a rope into the fierce waves. ”I do not need any help,” cries the
breathless man, ”The Lord will come and rescue me.”
Moments later the guy drowns, and finds himself in heaven. On meeting God, the
man weeps: ”Lord, I was waiting for you to rescue me from my watery tomb. Why
did you not save me?”
God replies:” You daft sod. I sent you a boat and a bloody helicopter!”
Preferential Treatment
A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant. “Men
prefer thin women,” said the skinny woman. “Really? Did your boyfriend tell you
that?” said the fat one. “No, your boyfriend told me that!”
weird warning
Here are some weird warning and directions i have spotted on
products.
For the company, i will not tell the name of the product.
unknown candle- warning: do not drop forign objects into candle.
unknown phone- to make call pick up handset dial number,to end
call hangup handset.
Estaban el Papa de Roma
Estaban el Papa de Roma y el cura p�rroco de un pueblecito jugando a golf.
Tira el Papa y mete la pelota en el hoyo a la primera. Tira el cura y falla.
“�Hostia puta que fallo!” exclama el cura.
“�Pero que son estas palabras?” le recrimina el Papa.”Que sea la �ltima vez que pronuncia semejante blasfemia”.
Vuelve a tirar el Papa y la mete a la primera en el hoyo. Tira el cura y falla.
“�Hostia puta que fallo!”, exclama el p�rroco.
“Esto es intolerable. Mire, la pr�xima vez que diga esas palabras se abrir� el cielo, caer� un rayo purificador y le matar�”, le conmina el Papa.
“No suceder� m�s, se lo prometo su Santidad”.
Tira de nuevo el Papa y… vuelve a meterla a la primera. Tira el cura y falla.
“�Hostia puta que fallo!” vuelve a pronunciar.
Al momento se abre el cielo y un rayo purificador mata al Papa.
Y desde el cielo se oye… “�HOSTIA PUTA QUE FALLO!”.
Jonah’s Fate
A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. “It is physically impossible!” she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
To this, the teacher said, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then YOU ask him!”
Un hombre decide ampliar sus
Un hombre decide ampliar sus gustos culinarios y empieza por ir a un restaurante japon�s despu�s del trabajo. Se sienta y viene el mozo.
“�Qu� platos me recomienda?” le pregunta al japon�s.
“Le lecomiendo “lata al lim�n”
“Bueno, tr�igamela.”
El japon�s le sirve la “lata al lim�n” y el hombre disfruta de su plato, pensando que es lo mas exquisito que ha probado.
Content�simo vuelve al otro d�a con un amigo y piden lo mismo. El s�bado de noche vuelve al restaurante con su esposa y ambos piden la “lata al lim�n”.
A la semana siguiente va el su esposa y unos amigos, y se sientan en la mesa, cuando viene el mozo y el hombre le pide que traiga lo de siempre para cuatro personas. Pero el japon�s le dice:
“No va a podel sel, hoy no hacemos lata al lim�n polque lata est� teniendo latitas.”
Golfers
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. “9:30 okay?”
George said, “Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9:30. George again said, “Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”
The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.
“Okay, for 9:30 next Sunday?” one of the foursome asked.
George said, “Sure if I�m ten minutes late�”
Another golfer jumped in. “Wait a minute, you always say you may be ten minutes late. But you�re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.”
George said, “Well, that�s true, I�m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she�s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.”
“What if she�s lying on her back?”
George said, “That�s when I�m ten minutes late!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis