Category: other

You wake up face down on the pavement.

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You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

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You call the suicide prevention hotline and they ask to put you on hold.

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You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.

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Your birthday cake collapses from the weight and heat of the candles.

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You want to put away the clothes you wore home from the party last night, but there aren’t any.

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You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.

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Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

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You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.

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Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck, as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels out onto the interstate.

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Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

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Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

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The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

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You wake up and your braces are locked together.

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As you get ready to leave work you discover your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. and has been since lunch.

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Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

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Your income tax check bounces.

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You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.

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Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill,” but your name is George.

Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he’ll tell everybody.

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

* If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? OOpps…

* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

* Why is it called building when it is already built?

* If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

* If you’re not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

* If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Calamjo

Yo momma so big, everytime she turns around it’s her birthday.

Era un concurso internacional a ver quien de un pedo aventaba m�s lejos un cad�ver. Se inscribieron un gringo, un italiano y un mexicano. Para prepararse quince d�as antes del concurso, los tres se pusieron un tap�n.

El gringo comenz� a comer hot dogs, hamburguesas y ham and eggs; el italiano comi� pizzas, espagueti y ravioli; el mexicano se atasc� de frijoles, garnachas y tacos de todos tipos. Y empezaron a agarrar presi�n para el d�a del concurso.

Llego el d�a y el primero que pas� fue el gringo. Se puso en posici�n, le colocaron el cad�ver, se quit� el tap�n y empezo a pujar. Se avent� un pedo y mand� el cad�ver a cinco metros.

Despu�s vino el italiano, se puso en posici�n, le pusieron el cadaver, se quit� el tap�n y empez� a pujar; se avent� un pedo y lanz� el cad�ver a siete metros.

Le toc� el turno al mexicano, se puso en posici�n, le pusieron el cadaver, se quit� el tap�n, y la porra gritando: M�xico, M�xico, ra, ra, ra. Y empez� el pinche mexicano a pujar, se puso colorado, se le inflaron los cachetes y hasta le salieron lagrimitas de los ojos, y la porra: Mexico, Mexico, ra, ra, ra, y nada que pod�a, hasta que por fin se oy� un peque�o piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Toda la gente se quedo at�nita, y en eso se par� el cad�ver, se tap� las narices y le dijo al mexicano: “Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingas a tu madre”, se fue caminado y cay� a 20 metros, y con eso gan� el mexicano.

2 Polish brothers arrive in America after a life time of poverty. With the little money they saved up they decided to open a business selling watermellons.
With a Total of 1000.00 they decided to buy a used truck valued at 900.00. With the remaining hundred they buy 100 watermelons.
Next day they decide to drive to their local city. They park the truck in front of a busy building and post a sign “Fresh Watermelons $1.00 each””. They sell out in one hour.
When they arrived home one of the brother’s counts the money.””Hey wait a minute we made no profit we have what we started with””
The other brother says””I know what we did wrong””
“”What we do wrong”” says the brother””

“”We needed to buy a bigger truck””

“

This works great as a secret language to use around people you don’t like
whom you want to insult in front of other people.

Old Phrase New Phrase

No fucking way…………………….I don’t think thats feasible
You’ve got to be shitting me………..Really
Tell someone who gives a fuck……….Perhaps you should check with….
Ask me if I give a fuck…………….Of course I’m concerned
It’s not my fucking problem…………I wasn’t involved in that project
What the fuck……………………..Interesting behavior
Fuck it, it won’t work……………..I’m not sure I can impliment this
Why the fuck didn’t they tell……….I’ll try to schedule that
me sooner
When the fuck do they expect………..Are you sure it’s a problem
me to do this
He’s got his head up his ass………..He’s not familiar with the problem
Eat shit………………………….You don’t say
Eat shit and die…………………..Excuse me
Eat shit and die mother fucker………Excuse me sir
What the fuck do they want………….They aren’t happy with it
with my life
Kiss my ass……………………….So you’d like my help with it
Fuck it I’m on salary………………I’m a bit overloaded at the moment
Shove it up your ass……………….I don’t think you understand
This job sucks…………………….I love a challenge
Who the hell died and made you boss….You want me to take care of this
Blow me…………………………..I see
Blow yourself……………………..Do you see
Another fucking meeting…………….Yes, we should discuss this
I really don’t give a shit………….I don’t think it will be a problem
He’s fucking retarded………………He’s a bit confused

A los 9 a�os, Quevedo comparece ante el tribunal acusado de violar a una preciosura de 18. En plena audiencia, el juez le pregunta a la abogada:

“�Qu� puede decir a favor de su defendido, doctora?”

La abogada le baja los pantalones a Quevedito, le coge el pip� y se lo muestra al magistrado:

“Mire que tama�ito tiene, se�or juez. �C�mo van a acusar a este ni�o de semejante delito? �M�relo! �Ud. cree que con una cosita tan peque�ita se puede violar a una mujer?”

Y Quevedo le murmura al o�do:

“�Doctora, no me lo siga sobando que perdemos el juicio!”

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.”My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf”, says Little Red Riding Hood.The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.”My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf”, says Little Red Riding Hood.Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign.”My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf”, taunts Little Red Riding Hood.With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…”Will you fuck off, I’m trying to take a shit !”

Un profesor de primer a�o de Medicina est� dando a sus alumnos la primera lecci�n sobre autopsias en la morgue y les dice:

“Para hacer una autopsia, hay dos elementos b�sicos: el primero, no tener ninguna repugnancia.”

En ese momento, el profesor introduce un dedo en el ano del muerto y luego lo chupa. A continuaci�n pide a los estudiantes que hagan lo mismo y luego de un rato de silencio temeroso, �stos comienzan a obedecer. Cuando ya todos los alumnos han terminado de chuparse con asco el dedo, el profesor prosigue:

“El segundo elemento fundamental, es un sentido muy agudo de observaci�n: yo met� mi dedo anular, pero me chup� el �ndice.”

Plumber: “We repair what your husband fixed.” -Mo4al ************

On the trucks of a local plumbing company here in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t
sleep with a drip, call your plumber!!” -Rickley L. Buck ************

Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak!! ************

At a Tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.” – Adolph
Herbstrei ************

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello, can we pick your nose? -Chanel
Rose ************

Sign at the psychic’s hotline: Don’t call us, We’ll call you. -IBDOUGELL
************

At A Laundry shop: How about we refund your money Send you a new one at no
charge Close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory? ‘Signed Customer Service’ -Janet36603 ************

At a towing company: “We won’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
-Phred ************

Billboard on the side of the road: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop
reading these signs” -Joe E Bowers, Jr.

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ”Welcome to heaven, my son.” God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ”I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,” the doctor replies. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” God says. God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” says God, ”but you have to leave in two days.”