Category: other

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.

When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.

He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell”?

She replied, “if I told you, you would only laugh.” “No I wouldn’t”, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said “see I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

“Pap�,” le pregunta Pepito a su padre, “�C�mo es Dios?, porque algunos dicen que es var�n, algunos que es hembra, otros dicen que es blanco, otros que es negro, �c�mo es?”

El padre le responde:

“Dios no es hombre, ni mujer, ni es blanco, ni es negro”.

“�Ay, papi! �Entonces Dios es Michael Jackson?”

A man and his father were at retierment home and the man siad dad can you sit down and be back with the papers to get you in. as the son left the dad started to lean to the right but a nurse came and stuffed some pillows on his right side so then he started lening to the left and a doctor came and stuffed pillows on his left side so then he started lening to the front and an elder lady came and stuffed some pillows on his front than his son came and siad so how do you like it is it nice and the dad replied I supose but they wont let me fart

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly coloured one.A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the coloured eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face.

She began to speak…

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men’s underwear.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!

1 nun: Oh, No!

99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!…

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
–Steve Martin

“You know that look women get when they want sex?
. . .Me neither.”
–Drew Carey

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have
a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
–Unknown

“If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.”
–Rodney Dangerfield

“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it
kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.”
–Bill Kelly

“As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women
and clergymen.” — Rev. Sydney Smith

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date
on Saturday night.”
–Woody Allen

“Homosexuality is God’s way of insuring that the truly
gifted aren’t burdened with children.”
–Sam Austin

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”
–George Burns

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of
getting married.”
–Matt Barry

“Leaving sex to the clergy is like letting your dog
vacation at the taxidermist.”
–Camille Paglia

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
–George Burns

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious
one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with
his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful
wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man’s
job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day
and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and
asked:

“Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and
confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t even believe in you
and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor
and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”

And a great voice was heard from above: “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE
TIME!”

Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he’ll tell everybody.

You wake up face down on the pavement.

…………………

You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

…………………

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they ask to put you on hold.

…………………

You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.

…………………

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight and heat of the candles.

…………………

You want to put away the clothes you wore home from the party last night, but there aren’t any.

…………………

You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.

…………………

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

…………………

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.

…………………

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck, as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels out onto the interstate.

…………………

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

…………………

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

…………………

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

…………………

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

…………………

As you get ready to leave work you discover your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. and has been since lunch.

…………………

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

…………………

Your income tax check bounces.

…………………

You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.

…………………

Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill,” but your name is George.

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

* If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? OOpps…

* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

* Why is it called building when it is already built?

* If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

* If you’re not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

* If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Calamjo

Yo momma so big, everytime she turns around it’s her birthday.

Era un concurso internacional a ver quien de un pedo aventaba m�s lejos un cad�ver. Se inscribieron un gringo, un italiano y un mexicano. Para prepararse quince d�as antes del concurso, los tres se pusieron un tap�n.

El gringo comenz� a comer hot dogs, hamburguesas y ham and eggs; el italiano comi� pizzas, espagueti y ravioli; el mexicano se atasc� de frijoles, garnachas y tacos de todos tipos. Y empezaron a agarrar presi�n para el d�a del concurso.

Llego el d�a y el primero que pas� fue el gringo. Se puso en posici�n, le colocaron el cad�ver, se quit� el tap�n y empezo a pujar. Se avent� un pedo y mand� el cad�ver a cinco metros.

Despu�s vino el italiano, se puso en posici�n, le pusieron el cadaver, se quit� el tap�n y empez� a pujar; se avent� un pedo y lanz� el cad�ver a siete metros.

Le toc� el turno al mexicano, se puso en posici�n, le pusieron el cadaver, se quit� el tap�n, y la porra gritando: M�xico, M�xico, ra, ra, ra. Y empez� el pinche mexicano a pujar, se puso colorado, se le inflaron los cachetes y hasta le salieron lagrimitas de los ojos, y la porra: Mexico, Mexico, ra, ra, ra, y nada que pod�a, hasta que por fin se oy� un peque�o piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Toda la gente se quedo at�nita, y en eso se par� el cad�ver, se tap� las narices y le dijo al mexicano: “Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingas a tu madre”, se fue caminado y cay� a 20 metros, y con eso gan� el mexicano.