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Una monja va a visitar a un familiar en una ciudad vecina cuando su coche de descompone en plena carretera. Entonces, un chofer de cami�n se ofrece a llevarla a la ciudad. Despu�s de un rato, el chofer empieza a acariciar los muslos de la monja.

Ella dice solamente: “Mateo 1:13”.

El ch�fer retira la mano y sigue conduciendo. Despu�s de un rato trata de nuevo, pero la monja solamente dice: “Mateo 1:13”.

Finalmente llegan a su destino y la monja baja y el ch�fer contin�a su camino hasta llegar a un hotel donde se hospeda. En la habitaci�n, encuentra una biblia y lee Mateo 1:13 que dice:”Est�s en el camino correcto.”

What is Heaven? What is Hell?

In Heaven:
The English run the hotels.
The French cook the food.
The Swiss are the police.
The Germans fix the cars.
The Italians are the lovers.

In Hell:
The French run the hotels.
The English cook the food.
The Germans are the police.
The Swiss are the lovers.
The Italians fix the cars.

In both places the Americans run the army. Whether they do it right or not doesn’t matter; they are the only ones who will take the job!

What did the [ethnic] do when his odometer read 99999?

He pulled over to the side of the road to watch it turn over

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line.”

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, “I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “Your religion, too…I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But….”

The priest replied, “Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.”

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”

Do you know what sexual harassment is?

It’s when a man talks dirty to a woman.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip!

Why do Mexicans drive low riders?

So they can pick up the cans on their way home.

Why do they put hydrolics on their car?

So they can smash the cans afterwards.

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry.
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long
their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with “What do you mean by that?” This
might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how
long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to explain the story of Elisa and the Forty two children. You may
have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will
definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls – your bookie,
order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a
tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who
visited you.
7. Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it,
the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what’s going on,
say “nothing, why?” in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as above, except say “beep” instead of giggling.
9. Guys – part way through; begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the
whole works. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see…) throughout and if they
ask you what you’re doing, pull a #7. If they’re still there when you are done,
ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten
minutes.
10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

A black preacher and a white preacher went on a hillside to find out if God
was black or white. The white preacher askes, “God, are you black or white”? God
responds, “I Am that I Am”. The white preacher says “He’s white”. The black
preacher says, “Why do you say that”?! The white preacher says, “If He were
black, He would have said, ‘I Is that I Is'”.

What do you call a man who has sex with his mom?A MOTHER FUCKER!