Category: other

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?

A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of “Polish Remover”.

A gentleman is undergoing a vasectomy. During the delicate operation, one of his testicles falls onto the floor and before the nurse can pick it up, the doctor steps on it.

The doctor tells the nurse, “Don’t worry, we can replace it. Get me a very small onion.” She does and the doctor replaces the missing ball with the onion.

A few weeks later, the patient stops by to see the doctor, who asks him what seems to be the problem.

“Well, it’s like this,” the patient replies. “Every time I take a piss, my eyes water. Every time I come, I get heartburn, and every time I pass a Burger King, I get a hard-on!”

Una se�ora acude al ginec�logo porque estaba un poco amoscada por una raya negra que ten�a en la entrepierna, justo en la ingle.

El m�dico la examina, le dice que no parece grave y le receta una pomada, pidi�ndole que regrese a los quince d�as.

Pasado ese tiempo, la mujer vuelve y resulta que la raya no hab�a desaparecido, sino que, a�n m�s, �sta se hab�a ensanchado. Entonces, el ginec�logo le receta una pomada m�s fuerte y le pide regresar en ocho d�as.

La se�ora vuelve y la raya era m�s ancha a�n, tanto que ahora el mosqueado era el m�dico. Tratando de encontrar una soluci�n comienza a interrogarla:

“D�game, �a qu� se dedica su marido?”

“Es carpintero”.

“�Ah� est�, joder! �D�gale a su esposo que cuando le coma el co�o se quite el lapicero de la oreja, cojones!”

Una prostituta va donde el m�dico porque se sent�a muy mal.

“Mire, doctor, me duele la cabeza, el pecho, las nalgas, tengo fiebre…

“Bueno, bueno resp�ndame una pregunta: “�En periodo de regla usted tiene mucha p�rdida?”

“Doctor puede que sea eso, porque la verdad es, que las perdidas son de 200 a 300 d�lares.”

Now you can know everything! just read…

*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

*The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

*There are more chickens than people in the world.

*Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

*The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
screeched.”

*On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.

*All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on
4:20.

*No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple.

*”Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters
“mt”.

*All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln

*Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

*Almonds are a member of the peach family.

*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

*Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

*There are only four words in the English language which end in
“dous”:
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

*Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina
de los Angeles de Porciuncula”

*A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

*An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

*Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

*In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10

*Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

*The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a
Wonderful Life.”

*A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

*A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

*It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

*The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

*In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

*The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

*Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

*The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

*There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

*”Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.

…now you know everything

Dos viejas en el parque:

“Sabes qu� me han dicho, que todas las tardes viene por aqu� un exhibicionista con una gabardina, solo, ense�ando sus verg�enzas”.

“�Qu� guarro!”

“S�”.

“Oye, �y si nos quedamos, nos dar� tiempo para hacer la cena?”

Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) “Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled… isn’t she adorable?”Friend: “But your kid didn’t smile.”Father: “I was talking about the nurse.”

:The following is taken word-for-word from a Mormon pamphlet, ‘For Young Men Only’, published a number years ago. The Mormon’s Guide to Avoiding Masturbation:1. Pray daily. Ask for the gifts of the spirit which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are strongest. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell ‘STOP’ to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.2. Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a week, a month and year. Finally, commit yourself to never doing it again. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you but show it to no one. If you masturbate, colour that day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. 3. Set up a reward system. Each time you reach a goal reward yourself with a quarter.4. When on the toilet or showering, leave the door partly open.5. Avoid people, situations, and pictures and reading material that might create sexual excitement. 6. Use physical restraints.7. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. Put on several layers that would be difficult to remove while half asleep. 8. In severe cases, tie your hands to the bed frame.9. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated, or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. 10. To cancel the pleasure of masturbating, associate something very distasteful with the act. For example, imagine bathing in a tub full of worms and eating some of them.

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate:”What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? “I made $150,000 as an Attorney” comes the reply. “You may enter” says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question. “I made $95,000, I was a realtor.” He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man’s turn.

“My annual salary was $8,000.” “Cool!” replies the Angel, “and what instrument did you play?”

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur??………… …….. Lickalotapus!!

Human 1: I can jump over the CN Tower and you can’t. Haha
Human 2: How did you jump over the CN Tower?
Human 1: You see, I said I jumped over the CN Tower. I never said which CN Tower. Silly, not that one over there! It’s This miniture one over here!

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, “Lord, I’m sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian.”

Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor’s feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, “God, bless this food which I am about to receive.”