Category: other

Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors.

Bach did it with the organ.

Band members do it all night.

Band members do it in a parade.

Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.

Band members do it on the football field.

Baritones do it deeper.

Bass clarinetists put it between their legs and blow.

Basses and altos do it lower.

Basses have rhythm.

Beethoven did it apassionately.

Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.

Choir boys do it unaccompanied.

Clarinetists do it with alternate fingerings.

Contrabass clarinetists do it deeper with a lot of tongue and steady rhythm.

Cymbal players do it with a crash.

DJs do it on request.

DJs do it on the air.

Drummers beat it.

Drummers do it with both hands and feet.

Drummers do it with rhythm.

FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity.

Frank Sinatra does it his way.

Harpsichordists do it continuously!

Music hackers do it at 3 am.

Musicians do it with rhythm.

Musicians duet together.

Organists … um, well …

Piano players have faster fingers

Piano students learn on their teachers’ instruments.

Singers do it with their diaphragms.

Sopranos and tenors do it higher.

Sopranos do it in unison.

Tenors have breath control.

Trombone players do it in 7 positions.

Trombones do it faster.

Trombonists use more positions.

Trumpet players blow the best.

Trumpet players do it with a fanfare.

Tuba players do it with big horns.

Tubas do it deeper.

Violinists do it gently.

Violists do it alone.

Violoncellists do it low.

Virtuosi appreciate it.

Vocalists are good in their mouths.

Woodwind players do it in the reeds.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

If a bird can fly, can a fly bird?

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on
the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she
sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and
explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days
and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in
and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years
she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last
operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, “I thought you
said I had another 30-40 years!!”

The angel replies, “Sorry. I didn’t recognize you.”

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks,”Who is Nookie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well, ” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Debido a ciertos problemillas, un medico le receta a una mujer testosterona. La mujer vuelve al cabo de unas semanas.

“Doctor, doctor, estoy preocupada por los efectos secundarios que me est� produciendo la testosterona.”

“�Qu� efectos, concretamente?”

“Pues, para empezar, me est� creciendo bastante el pelo en sitios donde nunca antes me hab�a salido.”

“Eso es un efecto perfectamente normal y pasajero de la testosterona. Pero, concrete, �d�nde, exactamente, le ha salido este pelo?”

“En los test�culos…”

There’s this couple who are financially strapped. They’ve been trying to figure out a way to come up with the money so that they don’t lose their home. The wife didn’t have any ideas as to what to do. But the husband says, “Hey, we could sell you.” He said, “I really hate to do this to you, but we really have no other alternative.” She agrees to his idea.

They go downtown, and he tells her to stand there on the corner and wait. He will watch from across the street to make sure everything is okay. A few minutes after she was standing there a car pulls up and he asks, “How much?” She says, “Can you wait a minute? I’ll be right back.”

So she runs across the street, and says to her husband, “He wants to know how much, what should I tell him?” The husband says, “Tell him a hundred bucks.” So she runs back across the street, and tells him, “One hundred bucks.” The man says, “One hundred dollars? That’s too much. I don’t have a hundred bucks. How much for a blow job?” She says, “Can you wait a minute? I’ll be right back.”

So she runs across the street again, and says to her husband, “He says a hundred bucks is too much and wants to know how much for a blow job. What should I tell him?” The husband says, “Tell him thirty dollars.”

So she runs back across the street and says to the guy, “Thirty dollars for a blow job.” He says, “Great! I have thirty dollars.” So she gets into the car and he undoes his zipper and exposes himself to her revealing a 12″ penis.

She looks and says, “Can you please just wait one more minute? I’ll be right back.” She gets out of the car and runs across the street and says to her husband, “Can we loan this guy $70?”

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

‘Hi is Tony home?’

‘No he went to the store.’

‘Well, you mind if I wait?’

‘No come in.’

They sit down and the friend says ‘You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.’

Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell – a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says ‘They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I could
just see the both of them together.’

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.

Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can’t wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home
and his wife says ‘You know your weird friend Chris came over.’

Tony thinks about this for a second and says ‘Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?’

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

John says, “Well, give me some examples.”

Jill proceeds to tell him, “Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.”

“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”

Then Jill said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”

John proceeds to say, “Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

“Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.

“Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.”

“You mean a sectional safe,” he suggested!

“Sectional schmectional.” she said shrugging. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”

This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he’d have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, “I’ve just got to marry this woman, I love her so much…”

So the doctor says, “Well, it’s risky, but okay.” So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.

Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, “We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain
instead of 50%.”

The guy looks up and says, “Mama Mia!”

Think of a number between 1 and 10
Multiply it by 9
If it is a 2 digit number than add the digits
Subtract 5
Determine which letter corresponds to your answer(eg. 1=a, 2=b, 3=c etc.)
Think of a country that starts with that letter
Remember the last letter of that country
Think of a animal that starts with that letter
Remember the last letter of that animal
Think of a fruit that starts with that letter…….

………Are you thinking of a kangaroo in Denmark eating an orange? I told it was freaky, at least for me it was. Only 98% think of a kangaroo in Denmark eating an orange. If not than you’re the 2% that think diferently.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am,” replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.

“I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women,” told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian!”