Category: other

Est� Pepito en el recreo, cuando pasa Mar�a, a lo que Pepito le ofrece:

“Mar�a, juguemos a que yo te meta el dedito en el ombligo.”

“Ya bueno.”

Al cabo de un rato:

“Pepito, ese no es mi ombligo.”

“No te preocupes Mar�a, ese tampoco es mi dedo.”

Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God? A: God doesn’t think he’s a brain surgeon!

You’re so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped your mom.

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the
following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply
imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people
place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present
law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So
they return their customers’ money in the form of a company check. However, due
to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.
The name of the company: “The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.”

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend’s birthday.

As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal.

Accompanied by the girlfriend’s younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.

The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.

While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”

She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ’em.”

En la playa hab�a mucha gente reunida frente a un salvavidas que, desesperadamente, le daba respiraci�n de boca a boca a un infortunado ba�ista a la orilla del mar.

El salvavidas aplicaba la t�cnica de respiraci�n de boca a boca, e inmediatamente un gran chorro de agua sal�a expulsada por la boca del ahogado. Y as�.

Un se�or que casualmente pasaba por el lugar le dice al salvavidas:

“Me permite explicarle como deber�a hacerlo…”, cuando es interrumpido por el salvavidas, quien, de lo mas enojado, le dice: “pero por favor, c�mo me va a decir a m�, c�mo hacer mi trabajo”. Y sigue aplicando la respiraci�n de boca a boca, y de nuevo un gran chorro de agua sale expulsada por la boca del ba�ista.

Y as�, varias veces el se�or queri�ndole explicar al salvavidas, y �ste m�s enojado por las interrupciones. Hasta que, cansado, le cuestiona: “�qu� es lo que quiere?”.

Entonces el individuo le dice al salvavidas: “mire, no dudo que usted sea un excelente salvavidas, pero yo soy ingeniero hidr�ulico, y le digo que si no le saca el culo del agua al ahogado �va a estar bombeando toda la tarde!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.

Un joven y su futuro suegro est�n de copas. En un momento de la ronda, el muchacho le dice:

“Sabes que llevo con tu hija siete a�os de noviazgo y creo que ya es momento de pedirte el co�o de ella”.

Extra�ado, el futuro suegro se le queda mirando y le aclara

�C�mo que el co�o, ser� la mano, normalmente se suele pedir la mano!”

“�Que va, que va! �El co�o, el co�o, que estoy hasta los cojones de que me haga pajas!

Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors.

Bach did it with the organ.

Band members do it all night.

Band members do it in a parade.

Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.

Band members do it on the football field.

Baritones do it deeper.

Bass clarinetists put it between their legs and blow.

Basses and altos do it lower.

Basses have rhythm.

Beethoven did it apassionately.

Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.

Choir boys do it unaccompanied.

Clarinetists do it with alternate fingerings.

Contrabass clarinetists do it deeper with a lot of tongue and steady rhythm.

Cymbal players do it with a crash.

DJs do it on request.

DJs do it on the air.

Drummers beat it.

Drummers do it with both hands and feet.

Drummers do it with rhythm.

FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity.

Frank Sinatra does it his way.

Harpsichordists do it continuously!

Music hackers do it at 3 am.

Musicians do it with rhythm.

Musicians duet together.

Organists … um, well …

Piano players have faster fingers

Piano students learn on their teachers’ instruments.

Singers do it with their diaphragms.

Sopranos and tenors do it higher.

Sopranos do it in unison.

Tenors have breath control.

Trombone players do it in 7 positions.

Trombones do it faster.

Trombonists use more positions.

Trumpet players blow the best.

Trumpet players do it with a fanfare.

Tuba players do it with big horns.

Tubas do it deeper.

Violinists do it gently.

Violists do it alone.

Violoncellists do it low.

Virtuosi appreciate it.

Vocalists are good in their mouths.

Woodwind players do it in the reeds.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree o’er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men’s retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can have sex with me tonight!”A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”