Category: other

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn.

“You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said.

“Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply.

“And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did.� You’re back at work on Monday.

A un famoso guitarrista le propusieron ofrecer un concierto en alg�n pa�s de Africa, y �ste acept�. Cuando sobrevolaba la selva el avi�n en que viajaba se estrell�. S�lo sobrevivi� el guitarrista con todo y su guitarra. Al rato de andar por la selva, se le acerc� un le�n con cara de hambriento y luego otro y otro m�s… En ese momento �l se acord� de que hab�a leido que la m�sica calmaba a los animales y muy nervioso se puso a tocar una canci�n. Los leones se calmaron y acostaron a su alrededor, y el m�sico se tranquiliz�, pensando que se hab�a salvado de morir. De repente, de entre los �rboles sali� un le�n furioso y se comi� al guitarrista. Uno de los leones que escuchaban le dijo a otro: “�Ves?, �te dije que el sordo nos iba arruinar el concierto!”

Why cant witches have babies?
Cause their husbands have halloweenies.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

(Of course, we know God is never missing, but this is a story.)

Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.

He inquires of God, “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. “Look, Michael, look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, “For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor.

The Middle East over there will be a hot spot,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large land mass with oceans as it borders and said, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God, “that’s Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call Florida!”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the idiots I’m sending down from the North every winter!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.

So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.

‘Don’t worry Maria,’ says the mother. ‘Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.’

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’

‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says his mother. ‘All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’

So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs.’

‘Don’t worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.’

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot-and-a-half.’

‘Stay here and stir the pasta,’ says the mother. ‘This is a job for Mama!’

A very sad event occurred last night: the Energizer Bunny, after going and going for so long has unfortunately passed away.

The official medical report states that Mr. Bunny died from a Heart Attack brought on by sexual over stimulation.

It seems that someone had put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming…and coming…and coming……

Dos sacerdotes, que estaban de vacaciones en Hawai, deciden vestirse de turistas para pasar inadvertidos. Compran camisas floreadas y sandalias y se van a tomar el sol a la playa; en eso, una rubia despampanante, en biquini, pasa junto a ellos y los saluda:

“Buenas tardes, padres”.

Los curas se quedan at�nitos y, antes de volver al hotel, deciden comprarse un atuendo m�s atrevido: pantaloncillos de surfista, playera con estampado batik y gafas obscuras.

Al d�a siguiente, vuelven a la playa y ven a la misma rubia, que en esta ocasi�n lleva un biquini m�s breve.

“Buenos d�as, padres”, los saluda.

Al pasar junto a ellos, la detienen:

“�Un momento se�orita! �C�mo sabe que somos sacerdotes?”

“�Qu� no se acuerdan de m�? Soy la hermana Catalina, la del convento.

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out “… and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..” She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed “Good God all mighty”.

The minister said “That’s right, that’s right” and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to “… and who died on the cross to save us from our sins…” the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted “Jesus Christ”.

The Minister said “that’s right, That’s Right” and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to “… and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child” the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said “If you stick that damn thing in me again I’ll break it off”!

Est� Pepito en el recreo, cuando pasa Mar�a, a lo que Pepito le ofrece:

“Mar�a, juguemos a que yo te meta el dedito en el ombligo.”

“Ya bueno.”

Al cabo de un rato:

“Pepito, ese no es mi ombligo.”

“No te preocupes Mar�a, ese tampoco es mi dedo.”

Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God? A: God doesn’t think he’s a brain surgeon!

You’re so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped your mom.

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the
following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply
imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people
place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present
law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So
they return their customers’ money in the form of a company check. However, due
to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.
The name of the company: “The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.”