Category: other

How do you make a cat be a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go ‘WOOF.’

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:Dear God,Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks “What did you do?”.
The woman says “I Committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?”
Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?”
Woman: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”
Woman: “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi: “How many times?”
Woman: “Just once.”
Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods? A: I’ll never do that for two bucks again.

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim.
But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda, no.”
“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling?
A: Hit him in the face with an axe.

You know you’re in Sydney, Australia, when…� Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings but none are visible.� You earn over $100,000 and still can’t afford a house.� You never bother looking at the bus timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.� You can’t remember… is dope illegal?� You’ve been to more than one baby shower (wetting the baby’s head) that has two mothers and a sperm donor.� You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.� A great parking space can move you to tears.� Your child’s Year Three teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named Breeze. And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.� You get used to signs at zebra crossings that say, ‘Pedestrians give way to traffic’.� You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Mandarin or a ‘building your own website’ class.� You get used to the fact that drivers have never heard of the road code and start running red lights, not bothering to indicate lane changes and never, ever, giving way to anyone else – especially if the other has the right of way.� A man walks down the main street in full leather regalia and crotchless pants. Nobody takes any notice.� You keep a list of companies to boycott.� Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Avon lady is a guy in drag.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

She says again, “Well put them here between my legs and warm them up.”

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON’T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?”

La medalla de oro en la lucha ol�mpica ser�a disputada entre un ruso y un americano. Un d�a antes de la final, el entrenador estadounidense le advierte a su pupilo:

“Este ruso tiene una llave especial: la Pretzel. Todos a los que se las ha aplicado tuvieron que rendirse y ser llevados al hospital, porque no hay escapatoria. As� que, por ning�n motivo dejes que te la aplique. �Si te coge, ah� termina todo!”

El d�a de la final, el encuentro comienza. El americano y el ruso dan vueltas y m�s vueltas, tratando de encontrar el mejor modo de atacarse. En eso, el ruso ataca y le aplica al norteamericano la temida Pretzel. La multitud se decepciona y el entrenador, que no puede mirar, se cubre la cara. De pronto, el gent�o grita. El instructor mira y ve que su disc�pulo levanta al ruso y lo tumba. �Espaldas planas! �El yanqui gana! El �rbitro lo declara vencedor con la medalla de oro y la multitud ruge.

M�s tarde, en los vestidores, el entrenador americano le pregunta al ganador:

“Oye, �c�mo la hiciste para salirte de la Pretzel? �Hasta ahora nadie lo ha podido hacer!”

“Cuando me aplic� la Pretzel ya iba a rendirme. Pero, de pronto, abro los ojos y veo un par de bolas. En aquel momento, con las �ltimas fuerzas que me quedaban, mord� esas bolas tan fuerte como pude”.

“�Y, entonces?”

“Sabe una cosa, entrenador: �No tiene la menor idea de la fuerza que uno adquiere cuando se muerde los huevos!”

one day a blond burnet and a red head were walking and they saw
a cop and the saw patato bags they hid in them and the cop
kicked the bag with red head in it it didnt say anything he
kicked the bag with the burnet in it it didnt say anything then
he kicked th bag with the blond head in it and it said patatos