Category: other

How many Jewish American Princesss does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from ”Feathers,” the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story: It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer’s seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ”Use a thawed chicken.”

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. “When you and I get out of here,” the jailbird said to the fly. “we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.” Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. “What about this fly, eh?” he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. “Glad you saw it,” muttered the bartender. “Blasted things are everywhere.”

The doctor was caught in bed with the farmer’s wife and explained to the shocked husband that he was only taking her temperature.

The farmer took his shotgun, primed it and said, “I guess you know what you’re doing, doc, but that thing had better have numbers on it when you take it out.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

An elderly man by the name of Mr. MacIntosh was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.
The old man said suddenly, “It’s time! Send for the Minister.”

The dying man said, “The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics.”

“Get the Minister! Get the Minister!” the dying man repeated agitatedly.

“Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind,” the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. “I will call the priest.”

The old man insisted, “If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked.”

So, reluctantly, the son did his father’s bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door.

The son said, “Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here.”

The priest rushed over to the old man’s beside and he asked in dismay, “HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?”

The old man looked up and replied, “Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us.”

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you.” The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.”Well, what is it?” he asks.”It’s a bit embarrassing,” she replies, “These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.”The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, “Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?”The woman blushes and says, “Well, actually I have.””That’s the problem!” the doctor says, “Tell him his earrings aren’t made of real gold……”

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands.

Two men applied for the job… One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.

Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and we’ve both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I’m taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same.”

The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher’s wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn’t home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.

One o’clock and no hired hand yet. Two o’clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. “Now I’m the boss”, she said, “and you have to do what I tell you, right?”

“Well… yes”, he answered.

“Then unbutton my blouse and take it off”, she said. He did as she asked.

“Now take off my boots.” He did.

“Now take off my socks.” He did.

“Now take off my skirt.” He did.

“Now take off my bra.” Again he did as she asked.

“Now take off my panties.” And again he did what she told him.

Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?” “Somersaults,” says the man.”Somersaults?!” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?” “Hmmm,” says the man.”That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017, but that’s close enough for non-technical people.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky!

10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, ‘Hell.’

9. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, ‘Get
off my back, bitch!’

8. Your garbage can IS your ‘in’ box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because
you just don’t care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still
haven’t been able to miss a meeting.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.