Category: other

1) On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.

2) What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

3) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me — they were cramming for their finals!

4) If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

5) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

6) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

7) Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

As the door is opened, the travelling salesman is shocked to see a little lad, standing there in a silk dressing gown, cigar in one hand, glass of whiskey in the other.

Looking further into the house, a prostitute is laying spent across the couch!

“Er, hello young man,” he manages to stammer, “is your mommy or daddy home?”

Little Johnny looks at him increduously, “Does it fucking look like it?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

what do you call it when a mexican famil sleeps in the same bed?

a BEEN borito

you are so black that the police shot a bullet at you in a dark alley and the bullets came back to get flashlights.

How careers end…

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists’ models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed.

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local Pharmasave. He goes up to the clerk and says “Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!”Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabs some Trojans for professionals and tells the chief to come back and tell him how they worked.The next day the big Chief comes back to the Pharmasave, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says “Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph, right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!”The clerk thinks to himself “Damn, this guy has super ejaculation going on” so he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box read: This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him this, and to come back and tell him how it worked.The next day the chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking “Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he’s real pissed.”The chief yells “LAST NIGHT ME FUCK SQUAW!! LEFT NUT GO OOMPH!!!!….RIGHT NUT GO OOMPH!!! ….. DICK GO OOMPH!!….. CONDOM GO OOMPH!!!!……… LEFT NUT GO BOOM!!!”

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks…DOH!

Una mujer llega a su casa y encuentra a su marido y a su comadre haciendo el amor. Ofendida, se va corriendo con su compadre y le cuenta lo que vio; decidida a desquitarse, le sugiere al tipo:

“Compadre, puesto que nos est�n enga�ando hay que vengarnos”.

Entonces, empiezan a hacer el amor una y otra vez. Veinte minutos despu�s, le dice la comadre:

“�Nos volvemos a vengar compadre?”

“Hoy ya no, comadre, se me acab� el rencor”.

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

President Bush even called Lance Armstrong after the big victory.

Not to congratulate him… he wants Lance to teach him how to back peddle even faster.

-Jay Leno

Q: Why are tornadoes and marriage alike?

A: They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you always lose your house.

How many Jewish American Princesss does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.