The Contractor

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.”

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!”

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.”

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, “Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?”

The contractor shakes his head and says, “I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”

Car Door,

There was Japanese, Hawaiian, and a Portuguese guy. They were all stranded on
a desert. While they were walking, the Portuguese guy found a car door. He
decided to drag it around for shade when they needed it.
So one day the Hawaiian guy complained, “It’s hot!”
The Portuguese guy grabbed the car door and rolled down the window. “Is that
better?”

Rectal Thermometer

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
“Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with
both house and car keys inside.”

“I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone was
still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it…half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile,
the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to
answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer. and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!

Un se�or se dirige al

Un se�or se dirige al mostrador de la farmacia y dice: “�Se�orita!, �me da un paquete de condones?” “�Claro que s�!, �para soltero o para casado?” “No entiendo. �Cu�l es la diferencia?” “Los de soltero vienen en paquetes de 7 y los de casado en paquetes de 12.” “Menos le entiendo.” “Mire, los de soltero vienen marcados con: lunes, martes, mi�rcoles, etc. Y los de casado con: enero, febrero, marzo…”

El profesor repartiendo las notas:

El profesor repartiendo las notas:

“Luisito un diez. Pedrito un ocho. Juanito un seis. Jaimito un cero.”

“Oiga profe. �Y por qu� a m� un cero?”

“Por que te has copiado el examen de Pedrito.”

“�Y usted como lo sabe?”

“Porque las cuatro primeras preguntas est�n iguales, en la �ltima pregunta Pedrito respondi� ESA NO ME LA SE y tu has puesto YO TAMPOCO.”

Young man and duck

For a boy’s 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, “Go into town and see what you can get with this.”

The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find. He first ran into a hooker who offered, “I’ll have sex with you if you give me the duck.” He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, “If you do it again, I’ll give you the duck back.”

He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed.

Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck.

The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.

When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he received for the duck.

His reply: “Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!”

Old Golfer

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.”Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.””But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?””But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.”But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.”Do you see it?” asked Jack.”Yup,” Scott answered.”Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.”I forgot.”

Church Bloopers

*Sermon Outline:

I. Delineate your fear

II. Disown your fear

III. Displace your rear

*Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

*If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

*Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

*Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

*Karen’s beautiful solo: “It is Well with my Solo”

*Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

*If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

*We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

*Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford”

*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

*Helpers ape needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary’s Cathedral.

*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.

*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

*Fifth Sinday is Lent.

*Thank you dead friends.

*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

*For the word of God is quick and powerful…piercing even to

the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working…

*Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess

*We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

NEWEST FAT JOKES

This one time, i was in the back of a bus, and all of a sudden a big red chimp came and hit me in the sac. I was very angry. Another time i got this candy bar for a quarter and this quarter was from the year 2009 and so far that year is not here, but anyways im getting off subject here, so like i was saying this candy bar had a lot of nuts i think i counted the nuts on it and there was like 50023 in one little square centimeter, and if you didnt know my favorite color is pinkish beighesih bluish redish purple and my favorite number has got to be about 100541450853183218502873.043, but like i was saying this candy bar had so much chocolate that after i ate it, my shit was all brown, and my shit is usually about that greenish yellow stage, o and if this makes no sense, heres a little story for you: once i was riding my head and reading a video game, and all of a sudden this big mailbox came out of nowhere and i hit my bike, it was so crazy. but anyways, this one time, at band camp, i was playing the drumbs and all of a sudden a big fuckin coronet came and smoked me in the side of the f uckin head, my cock and balls were hurtin real bad, but the moral of the story is that you cant drive drunk when high on mariju8sana and heeroine, and cocaine is a hell of a drug as the master rick james would say, peace out mother fuckers