Yours Fun Portal !
A man enters a clock shop and takes out his manhood and puts it on the counter.
The lady assistant says to him “Sir this is a clock shop not a cock shop.”
He replies “Put two hands and a face on it then.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis and Tantilazing
Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Not so deep in the swamplands of Louisiana, a Cajun’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night.
The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold dis high so I can see what I’m doing.”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there,” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put dat lantern down. I think dere’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a babygirl.
“Hold dat lantern up, don’t set it down, dere’s another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. “Don’t put down dat lantern, it seems dere’s yet another one a coming!” cried the doctor.
The Cajun scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, “You tink it might be da light that’s attractin’ ’em?”
It was a hot summer day in west Texas when an elderly old woman and her dog rex found a magic bottle. As she cleaned off the bottle an indian shaman appeared before her. The shaman made his way over to the old woman and said he would give her three blessings from the gods. The old woman couldnt believe this and said for her first wish she wanted to be turned into a beautiful princess who all the men across the globe would lust for. Next she decided that if she was going to be this beautiful her house would have to be worthy of her her presence. so she had the shaman turn her shack into a magical kingdom full of money. Finally she decided she could not live alone anymore as she had for so many years. so she had the shaman turn old rex into a handsome prince who would all long and lust for her. When this happened she jumped for glee and begged for rex to take her on the floor right then and there and as rex took her into his arms he looked deep into her eyes and said:
To bad you cant wish you never had me fixed huh bitch???
1. Glorious history of killing North American tribes.
2. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
3. Warm beer.
4. Punctuality.
5. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
6. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
7. Union jack underpants.
8. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
9. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
10. Ditto changing underwear.
11. Beats being Welsh.
12. Or Scottish.
THINK YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY…. check it out these actual cases.
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
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Still think you’re having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
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Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse…
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
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Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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STILL think you’re having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
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What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
would you give up your good looks like michael jackson did?
There is no I in ugly there is you!
On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 7 noodle kugels 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of aorned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 8 Alka- Seltzer 7 noodle kugels 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.”
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!”
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.”
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, “Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?”
The contractor shakes his head and says, “I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”
Zigzagueando, un borracho se acerca a la barra del bar y con voz pastosa se dirige al barman:
“Oiga, en el ba�o se echaron un pedo”.
“Eso es normal, caballero, para eso es.
“��A pu�aladas?!”
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”
The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.”