Category: other

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom at a rest stop but, I don’t know what got into me. I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: “Doin just fine!”

And the other guy says: “So, what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking that this is way too bizarre so I say, “Uhhh I’m like you, just traveling east!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, “Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for me!”

Then I hear the guy say nervously… “LISTEN!!! I’ll have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!”

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

A man walks into the woman’s section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “there’s more than one type?”

“There are three types.” Replies the clerk,

“The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference in them?”

The clerk responds, “It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain’s out of mole hills.”

how do u blindfold chinese people?

with dental floss.

Era un indito que vend�a legunbres en el mercado, pero cada ma�ana que llegaba ten�a que pasar por doinde el carnicero el cual al verlo le gritaba:

“�Qu� bonitas nalgas tienes cabr�n!”

Y el indito lo �nico que atinaba a hacer era apresurar el paso. Esto era todos los d�as hasta que otro carnicero le dijo:

“Cada que te diga que bonitas nalgas tienes tu le dices ‘me das miedo buey’, y ver�s como te deja de molestar.”

Al d�a siguiente va el indito a trabajar y al pasar frente a la carnicer�a escucha el ya t�pico:

“�Qu� bonitas nalgas tienes cabr�n!”

Y recordando el consejo de su amigo este le contesta:

“�Me asusta ust� si�or!”

OSAMA BIN LADEN has been captured.

The Americans heard he was hiding in a field. So they sprayed it with VIAGRA and the prick stood up!

Fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war. This war talk’s spoiling all the fun at every party. I get so bored I could scream.
— Scarlett O’Hara in “Gone With the Wind”

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
— Jeannette Rankin, first woman member of U.S. House of Representatives

It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it.
— Robert E. Lee

Cover a war in a place where you can’t drink beer or talk to a woman? Hell no!
— Hunter S. Thompson, on why he refused to cover the Gulf War

This country’s only 200 years old and we’ve already had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country, so we’re good at it! And it’s a good thing we are; we’re not good at anything else anymore… Can’t educate our children, can’t give health care to our old people — but we can bomb the [bleep] out of your country.
— George Carlin

Men, all this stuff you heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Americans, traditionally, love to fight.
— Gen. George S. Patton in “Patton”

You can’t say that civilization don’t advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
— Will Rogers

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
— Albert Einstein

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife’s brother.
— Artemus Ward

Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived.
— Abraham Lincoln

Of course the people don’t want war. But after all, it’s the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it’s always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it’s a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, a parliament or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.
— Hermann Goering, Nazi Reichsmarshal and Luftwaffe chief, at the Nuremberg trials

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her,she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman’s shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. “I do not want to go to heaven”, she tells St. Peter. “I’ll go to the other place.” “You want to go hell”, he replies. “They rape and sodomize you down there” “I don’t care”, she answers. “At least I already have holes for that.”

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchBy Hank VorjesVATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.”We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,” said Gates.”The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.”Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service, “we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time” and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.”You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.”A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, “Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,” the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’ access to these key intellectual properties.”The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,” said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia.”You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.”But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage.”The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,” notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is to reach “the four corners of the earth,” echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of “a computer on every desktop and in every home”.Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — “One religion, a couple of different implementations,” said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has complied the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE

No fucking way. I’m not certain that’s feasible.

You’ve got to be shitting me? Really?

Tell someone who gives a shit. Perhaps you should check with:

Ask me if I give a shit. Of course I’m concerned.

It’s not my fucking problem. I wasn’t involved in that project.

What the fuck? Interesting behavior:

Fuck it. It won’t work. I’m not sure I can implement this.

Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner? I’ll try to reschedule that.

When the fuck do you expect me to do this? Perhaps I can work late?

Who the fuck cares. Are you sure it’s a problem?

He’s got his head up his ass. He’s not familiar with the problem.

Eat shit. You don’t say?

Eat shit and die. Excuse me?

Eat shit and die motherfucker. Excuse me, sir?

What the fuck do they want from me? They weren’t happy with it?

Kiss my ass. So, would you like my help with that?

Fuck it. I’m on salary. I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

Shove it up your ass. I don’t think you understand.

This job sucks shit. I love a challenge.

Who the hell died and made you boss? You want me to take care of this?

Blow me. I see

Blow yourself. Do you see?

Another fucking meeting? Yes, we should discuss this.

I don’t really give a shit. I don’t think it will be a problem.

He’s fucking retarded. He’s confused.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man
came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only
sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole
head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so
he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants
to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this, he turned
around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this
gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okayed the request and the
man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, “You almost got
yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the
way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.” “Oh, really? Why
did you leave Minnesota?” inquired the manager. The boy replied, “They’re all
just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota”, exclaimed
the manager. The boy instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.

When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
‘Jesus is watching you.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep,’ the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m trying to warn you.’

The burglar relaxed.

‘Warn me, eh? Who are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the parrot.

`Moses?’ The burglar laughed. ‘What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?’

The parrot replied, ‘Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life’s problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both: get married! – Women’s restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman,Montana

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. – Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. – Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. – Revolution Books. New York, New York.

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. – Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. – Women’s restore, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. – Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. – Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

God is dead. -Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead. -God – The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C