Category: other

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said “My mom’s a whore!”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said, “Yes.”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!”

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the
guard on duty.

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window…
“Young lady,” he began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg.” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached…
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third…
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates –
St. Finger’s going to shake his peter at you!”

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb’s in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.”Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb’s came out.””Suzy,” Grandma said.”I know you’ve been eating cookie dough. Sit down.” Then Jill came down and said ”Grandma, I went poo and there was bb’s in it.” “Jill, I know you’ve been eating cookie dough. Sit down.” About five minutes later little Billy came.”Grandma something terrible has happenend, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!”

Mao Tse-Tung, presidente de China de 1950 a 1959, le env�o, en aquel entonces, una carta a Fidel Castro:

“Mao ama a Fidel. En China, el que no ama a Fidel no es chino”.

Fidel Castro respondi� la misiva:

“Fidel ama a Mao. En Cuba, el que no ama a Mao no es cubano”.

A man and wife were playing in their golf club’s annual “Guys and Dolls” tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men’s. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband.”Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife’s brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.” “What is it?” asked Mr. Davies. “Well,” said the doctor, “We also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity.” The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand “Oh, that was just my Mulligan!”

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, criticizes on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally wacked out, and losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on wild rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

BROWNMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips ? hardware, Salsa ? software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, “We each owe $8, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps.”

CLM – Career Limiting Move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Complaining about your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again — our boss revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. TV trials are a prime example, Elimidate is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

Esto es una pareja de reci�n casados que tras haber hecho el amor el d�a anterior, la mujer le dice al marido:

“Pepe, yo estoy embarazada”.

“�C�mo vas a estar embarazada, Mar�a?”

“Que s�, Pepe, que se me ha hinchado la barriga de una forma que no es normal y muy r�pido; eso s�lo puede ser un embarazo”.

“Bueno, vamos al m�dico”.

Y Pepe y Mar�a van al m�dico, y tras hacerle las pruebas a Mar�a les comenta:

“Pues usted no est� embarazada, lo �nico que tiene es aire en la barriga. No s� c�mo se le ha metido pero tiene aire”.

Al mes, Pepe y Mar�a vuelven a hacer el amor y al d�a siguiente otra vez se le hincha la barriga y crey�ndose embarazada van otra vez al m�dico; �ste les vuelve a decir:

“No est� embarazada, es s�lo aire”.

Al mes, otra vez lo mismo:

“Es s�lo aire. No s� como lo haces, Pepe, pero le metes aire en la barriga al hacerle el amor”.

En eso, que se entera todo el pueblo de lo que le pasaba a Pepe, y cuando �ste andaba por la calle le dec�an:

“Hola, ventoso”. “Adi�s, ventoso”. “�Qu� te cuentas ventoso?” “Mira por ah� va el ventoso”.

Despu�s de un mes aguantando esto, Pepe va por la calle y cuando se lo vuelven a decir, contesta pegando voces para que se enterara todo el pueblo:

“Mira, me voy a comprar una pistola y al pr�ximo que me diga ventoso le pego dos tiros”.

Dicho y hecho, Pepe se compr� la pistola y eso lleg� a los o�dos del p�rroco del pueblo, quien lo llam� para que fuera a hablar con �l. Cuando Pepe va a la iglesia, el cura le amonesta:

“Pepe, �es verdad lo que me han comentado: que le vas a pegar dos tiros al pr�ximo que te diga ventoso?”

“S�, padre, ya me he comprado la pistola; es m�s, la llevo en el bolsillo”.

Al escuchar eso, el p�rroco trat� de convencer a Pepe para que no lo hiciera; tras dos horas de conversaci�n Pepe le dijo:

“Bueno, est� bien, padre, cuando me vuelvan a decir ventoso me aguantar� y no le pegar� dos tiros”.

Tras hacerle prometerlo, se despide de Pepe. Pero, instantes despu�s de que Pepe se fuera de la iglesia escucha dos tiros. El religioso sale corriendo a la puerta de la iglesia gritando:

“�Hay que ver Pepe lo que ha hecho! �Y me acababa de prometer que no le iba a pegar dos tiros a nadie, aunque le dijeran ventoso!”

Afuera de la iglesia se observa a un ciclista con dos balazos en el cuerpo y su bicicleta tirada en el suelo.

“�Pepe, qu� has hecho, no me acababas de prometer que aunque te dijeran ventoso no le ibas a pegar dos tiros a nadie!”

“Mire, padre, que me digan ventoso, vale. Pero que me cojan la picha para inflar la rueda de la bicicleta, no”.

-What makes Britain so strong? -It�s the two-party system. One big
party on every friday and another big party on every saturday

En un concurso para hallar el nombre m�s corto del mundo, se encontraban un chino, un japon�s y un mexicano. Llaman al chino y le preguntan su nombre.

“Me llamo O”.

Casi todos los espectadores dan por hecho que el hombre aquel ya gan�. Entonces pasa el japon�s y dice su nombre:

“Casio”.

El p�blico asegura: “��rale, este nip�n ya gan�!”

Cuando le toca el turno de decir su nombre al mexicano, �ste dice:

“Pues yo me llamo Nicasio”.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying
on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the
crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

“A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a
little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

“Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic.
But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe
I can be of some comfort to this man.”

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man
lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

“Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under
the O, 72. . .”

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.” And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”