Category: other

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous!

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?”

“Well,” said the guy, “I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied.
“I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said “Oh, Mr Reiss, did you know that your barracks door is open?”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked “By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?” She was quite witty.

“Why, no, Mr. Reiss” she replied. “All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags.”

Q: How many Russian soldiers does it take to change a light bulb? A: That’s a military secret.

1] A shotgun shooting 12 pellets of 00 Buckshot weighing 4g leave the barrel at 1125 fps. Assuming the average infant will absorb 127.3 f/lbs before disintegrating, how many babies will the average blast cut through (rounding off to the nearest whole number)? eight.2] A 100 kg man is being swung by his entrails in a circle 16’in radius at the rate of 1600 radians/sec. Find the tension in the man’s entrails (ignoring the effects of gravity). 65,024 Newtons.3] A pagan priest attempts to vaporize a young virgin by placing her in a flaming pit. Assuming the woman, weighing 120 lbs, is completely composed of water, how much energy will he have to use to completely vaporize her? 130,000 BTU4] An infant has a tensile strength of 400 psi and has a cross sectional area of 23.4 sq. inches. Assuming it is 23″ long and has an elongation percentage of .0036%/120psi at roomtemperature, how long will the baby be before it is dismembered? about 26.45 inches.5] A 12 year old blind orphan girl is shot from a cannon at the speed of 1200 fps at a solid brick wall. Calculate the force of impact given that the brick wall is 3 feet away from the barrel. if she weighs 50 lbs, and all of her sticks to the wall, 3.3 million Newtons.6] A large plane weighing 12.7 M tons carrying 12 tons of nuns and orphans travelling at 724.46 kph and at an altitude of 40,000 meters suffers explosive decompression above the center of a 30km diameter population. Assuming that one passenger is sucked out every second, how many passengers will land within the population center? about (give or take a torso or leg) 12.7] A 1000 lb car is moving at 130 mph and two poodles whose combined weight is 82 lbs are thrown out the back at 3 mph. Calculate the velocity of the car. 140.91 happy mph.8] Farmer Brown is selling apples for 12 cents a dozen in a room where a torch has a brightness of 120 candela is 12 ft froma 14.36 sq meter surface.Assuming a light bulb 17.3 cubits fromthe surface has a brightness of 129 candlepower and gives offheat of 1.27 BTU and the room is 423 degrees Kelvin; assuming thethe pressure in the room is 1100 millibar; assuming the lightbulb is rotating at 4 pi radians per half minute, with the power source of the bulb a battery giving off energy at a rate of 12000000 terajoules per exasecond; assuming the coefficient offriction at the base of the rotating lightbulb is 1.679 E9;assuming the room is being launched at 50 times escape velocity;assuming it collides with the moon in a perfectly elastic collision, when the room returns to the earth 6 days 4 hours 20 minutes 35 seconds and 12 nanoseconds later, how much does Farmer Brown sell one apple for? still one cent, but all thats left is well-done applesaus,

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money–and it’s fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . “

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.”Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.”Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.”Oh great! NOW you tell me.” said the beginner.

Three nuns died and went to Heaven. St. Peter told them that they had been
saintly and holy nuns but would each have to answer a question in order to
enter Heaven.

He asked the first nun, Sister Angelica, “Who was the first man on earth?”

“Oh”, she replied. “That was Adam.”

Trumpets blared, angels sang, St. Peter gave her a white robe and welcomed
Sister Angelica to Heaven.

He asked the second nun, Sister Carmela, “Who was the first woman on earth?”

“Oh”, she replied. “That would be Eve.”

Trumpets blared, angels sang, St. Peter gave her a white robe and welcomed
Sister Carmela to Heaven.

The third nun, Sister Maria, was getting a bit nervous because the first
questions had been so easy. St. Peter turned to her and asked “What was the
first thing Eve said to Adam?”

“Oh”, she replied. “That’s very hard.”

Trumpets blared, angels sang, St. Peter gave her a white robe and welcomed
Sister Maria to Heaven.

A woman went to “Jim’s Seafood Stroe” and asked Jim what the
best part of the fish is.

Jim said, “The best part of the fish is the head.” He also said,
“Not only they are good, but the heads will make you smarter.”

So the woman was wanted to try and see if they are really that
good. The heads were $4.34 each, so she got some. Later that
week she got some more and told Jim that the heads were REALLY
good. So for about 3 weeks, 2 times a week she got more fish
heads. The next time she came in she said, “You know I have been
thinking, the fish heads are $4.34 each. When I could get a
whole fish with the head for $3.00″

And Jim said, “See you got smarter already.”

Se encontraba un tontiland�s en una reuni�n muy refinada.

Estaban sentados comiendo cuando a una joven se le escapa un peque�o peo, pero perceptible por la dem�s comunidad.

En eso se levanta un caballero y muy cort�smente dice:

“Disculpen, algo me debe haber ca�do mal.”

Mientras el tontiland�s pensaba: “Qu� noble su acto, si vuelve a pasar yo tambi�n lo imitar�.”

Justo en ese momento una vieja guatona se tira un tremendo peo que se escuch� en todo el establecimiento, se levanta el tontiland�s y dice:

“El peo de la vieja corre por mi cuenta.”

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?

A: He pull out his Diners’ Club card.

Mao Tse-Tung, presidente de China de 1950 a 1959, le env�o, en aquel entonces, una carta a Fidel Castro:

“Mao ama a Fidel. En China, el que no ama a Fidel no es chino”.

Fidel Castro respondi� la misiva:

“Fidel ama a Mao. En Cuba, el que no ama a Mao no es cubano”.