Beware of voice

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by
a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says
quietly to him, “I’m screwed.” There is a ray of light from the
sky and a voice booms out: “No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone
in front of you and bash the head of the chief.” So the explorer picks
up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is
breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding
him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: “Okay…….NOW you’re screwed!”

Houdini

This guy gets drunk one night, and wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he’s in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him.

She looks at him says, “What are we going to name it?”

He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, tosses it out the window, and says, “If he gets out of this we’ll call him Houdini.”

How to call someone Stupid

Politically correct ways to call someone stupid

A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a happy meal
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
A few beers short of a six pack
Dumber than a box of hair
Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box
The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead
Not the coldest beer in the fridge
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
All foam, no beer
Has an IQ of 2 but it takes 3 to grunt
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
Has the IQ of a house plant
As smart as bait
Chimney’s clogged
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the chanels
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Not the sharpest tool in the shed
The lights are on but no-one’s home
The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished
2 sticks short of a bundle
A few pints short of a quart
Cables connected, no voltage
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool
One neuron short of a synapse

Wrinke Removal

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.

On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn’t recognize him at first. “Rob, is that really you?” said the friend. “You look years younger. I didn’t know you had a dimple in your chin.”

“It’s not a dimple, it’s my belly button” said the old man and his friend laughed.

“If you think that’s funny, take a look at what I’m wearing for a tie!”

Professions

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a”brief.”

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she likedchildren.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game with their habits partially blocking the view, three men decided to badger the nuns.

In an effort to get them to move, one of the men said in a very loud voice, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns there.”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there.”

The third guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns there.”

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said “Why don’t you go to hell…..there aren’t any nuns there.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis, Tantilazing
and calamjo

The Job

An Indian is sitting at a bar when a gay guy walks up to him and buys him a beer. They start talking and a little while later the gay says to the Indian, “Hey, what do you say I take you out back and give you a blow job?”

The Indian stands up drags the fag outside and beats the shit out of him. Then comes back in the bar and sits down. Then the bartender walks up and asks, “So what did that guy say to you to piss you off so bad?”

The Indian looks up and says, “I don’t know, something about a fucking job.”

Consulting the Rabbi before marriage

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.The man asks, “Is it true that men and women don’t dance together?” “Yes,” says the rabbi, “For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.” “So I can’t dance with my own wife?””No.””Well, okay,” says the man, “But what about sex?” “Fine,” says the rabbi. “A mitzvah within the marriage!” “What about different positions?” the man asks.”No problem,” says the rabbi.”Woman on top?” the man asks.”Why not?” replies the rabbi.”How about doggie-style?””Of course!””Well, what about standing up?””NO!” says the rabbi….”Why Not???” asks the man.”Could lead to dancing!”

Dos amigos est�n en el

Dos amigos est�n en el estadio viendo un partido de f�tbol del equipo de su pueblo que est� m�s aburrido que una fiesta de carpetas. De repente, uno le dice al otro:

“�Ves ese calvo que tengo delante, �se que est� como un armario?”

“S�, �qu� pasa?”

“�Qu� te juegas a que le meto una chota en la nuca?”

“�Qu� dices, t�o? �Venga, me juego una cena si quieres!”

“Vale”.

El t�o levanta la mano y le zurra una al calvo que le deja marca en el cuello. �ste se da la vuelta encendido:

“�Ahhhh! �Qui�n ha sido? �Que me lo cargo!”

“�Pepeeeeeee! �Joder, cu�nto tiempo, t�o!”

“�Qu�? �Yo no soy Pepe!”, responde indignado el calvo.

“Ah, lo siento perdona. Me he confundido de persona”.

“Que no se repita…”

“Vale, vale”.

Pasan los minutos y el partido sigue igual de aburrido.

“Oye, �te juegas algo a que le doy otra a�n m�s fuerte?”

“Lo que quieras, t�o, me juego lo que quieras”.

El peg�n mira al calvo fijamente; espera a que est� distra�do y…

“Este es el momento”, piensa.

Se pone de pie, levanta la mano y le suelta una que lo tira del asiento.

“�AHHHHHH! �Pero bueno, qu� pasa contigo, te voy a matar!”

“�Pepe, co�o, a m� no me enga�as, t� eres Pepe!”

“�QUE NOOOOOO! �A LA MIERDAA! �QUE NO SOY PEPEEEEE!”

“Hostia, t�o, lo siento, estaba convencido. Ya me ha quedao claro, perdona”.

“GRRRR…”

Total que termina el partido, y cuando est�n saliendo del campo, ven un poco delante de ellos sobresalir la calva del pobre hombre.

“�A que le meto otra m�s fuerte?”

“�Qu�? Me juego si quieres la paga de la semana”.

“Vale. Atento”.

El t�o que coge carrerilla y empieza a apartar a la gente:

“A ver, por favor, se�ora, que voy a zurrarle al calvo. Ese perro, por favor, �de qui�n es, que molesta?”

En eso, sale corriendo con el pu�o cerrado alzado. La gente animando:

“�EH, EH, EH, EH, EH!”

Cuando llega donde est� el calvo, salta y le da con toda su alma en la nuca. El calvo da dos vueltas de campana; arrolla a una viejecita y se empotra contra un �rbol. Aturdido mira hacia atr�s con los ojos inyectados en sangre y murmura:

“�Q… Qu� co�o…!”

“���PEPEEEEEEE, JODER, T�O, EN EL CAMPO HE VISTO UNO QUE ERA IGUAL QUE T�!!!”

Un joven llamado Alf Ondo

Un joven llamado Alf Ondo se encuentra a una t�a por el parque con ganas de “mene�to”. Y ella le dice: “Dame 5 euros y te dejar� tocarme mis bolitas”.

Al chaval le mola la idea y decide ir a ped�rselo a su madre con el pretexto de comprar chucher�as. Tras el “acto” la tipa qued� flipada y le propuso que, a cambio de 10 euros le iba a dejar nada menos que met�rsela un “poquito”.

De nuevo, le dice a su mami que si las chuches, los caramelos… Finalmente lo logra y acude al punto X, y finalmente le dice que se la meter� hasta el fondo si cobra la friolera de �20 euros!

Encantado, intenta convencer a su cansada y desconfiada madre por todos los medios de que ser� lo �ltimo que pida en su vida. Sospechando de su hijo, va a espiarlo y se lo encuentra con la puta:

“�AA_A_AAHH…! �MMMPF!”

La madre furiosa grita:

“�ALF ONDOOOOOO!”

Y �l dice:

“�Que ya lo intento, co�o!”

Un padre estaba muy al

Un padre estaba muy al tanto de la tecnolog�a, y se compr� un equipo para poner penitencias en el confesionario…

Un dia llega un muchacha y se empieza a confesar con el padre, “Padre he pecado, f�jese que mi novio me toc� y me gust� padre.”

El padre ingresa el dato en su computadora y le sale “2 padres nuestros y 1 avemar�a”

Sigue la muchacha, “F�jese padre que mi novio me quit� la ropa…”

Y el padre vuelve a ingresar el dato y le sale en la pantalla “5 padres nuestros y 10 avemar�as.”

Pero la muchacha sigue y le dice, “Padre, f�jese que mi novio me meti� la puntita.”

El padre ingresa el dato y la m�quina empieza a pitar y chillar �beep, peep! ERROR ERROR, y el padre, desesperado, le dice a la muchacha, “�Hija, ve a que te la metan completa porque esta cosa no trabaja con decimales!”