Category: other

ARIES
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.

GEMINI
You are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.

CANCER
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That’s why you’ll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.

LEO
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

VIRGO
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. The majority of you Libras have a venereal disease.

SCORPIO
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle or success because of your total lack of ethics. You have a weakness for pasta and adultery. Most Scorpio people end up murdered.

SAGITTARIUS
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or druggies. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as a dog might mistake you for a fire hydrant.

AQUARIUS
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES
You have a vivid imagination, and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

�En qu� piensa la mujer mientras hace el amor?

A los 17 a�os: �Ojal� que no pase nada!

A los 30 a�os: �Ojal� que esta vez me regale el tapado de piel!

A los 50 a�os: hay que cambiar la pintura del techo.

Ver� se�or juez:

Tuve la desgracia de casarme con una viuda. De haberlo sabido no me hubiese casado, porque ella ten�a una hija.

Mi padre era viudo y para mayor desgracia se enamor� de la hija de mi mujer, de manera que mi esposa era suegra de mi padre, y al mismo tiempo �l era mi yerno.

Al poco tiempo mi padre trajo al mundo un var�n que era mi hermano, pero era nieto de mi mujer, de manera que yo era abuelo de mi hermano.

Al correr el tiempo mi mujer trajo al mundo un var�n, y como era hermano de mi madre era cu�ado de mi padre y t�o de su hijo, mi mujer era suegra de su propia hija, yo en cambio, soy padre de mi madre, mi padre y su mujer son mis hijos y adem�s yo soy mi propio abuelo.

Ya ve se�or juez, me despido del mundo por que no s� quien soy.

A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.” “Why complain ?” said the counsellor, “You’re still getting the same service !”

Una mujer le explica a la persona que est� frente a ella:

“Doctor, estoy enferma, siento un ardor en el coraz�n…”

“Se�orita, en primer lugar yo no soy m�dico, soy el cantinero. Segundo, usted no est� enferma: est� borracha y, tercero, el ardor es porque tiene una teta metida en el cenicero”.

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

There was a scottish man who lived next to an englishman in Scottland.The scottsman owns chicken that lays an egg every morning that the scottsman eats for breakfeast. One day the chicken laid an egg in the englishmans backyard.After seeing this the scottsman goes nextdoor and asks the englishman for the egg. The englishman tells him “No it was laid on my property so the egg is mine.” After arguing for a while the scottsman says “It is tradition to settle these matters by kicking eachother right between the legs and whoever gets up first wins!” The englishman agrees.SO the scottsman goes first and finds his biggest,heaviest,and sturdiest boots he owns, and kicks the englishman where it hurts. The englishman falls to ground and after about a minute afterwards he gets back up and says “O its my turn.”then the scottish man says “No thats ok you can keep the egg,”

One day a young lady from the city was driving her 2 aunts and cousin to their house.
When the young lady got on the dirt road that the ladies lived on she was all over the other side of the road.
The aunt that was sitting in the front asked her why was she all on the other side.
The young lady said Where are the lines then?
The aunt said, Its like the equator, just because you cant see it doesnt mean you cant imagine its there!

– At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but
only three years to train to be a surgeon….

– Despite the many rat infested slums in New York City, only 311 people
are bitten by rats in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten
annually by other New Yorkers….

– No one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department
store immediately turn to the right….

– The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11
story building….

– Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven
sexual fantasies a day….

– There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The
kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million….

– During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville’s timeless classic of the
sea, ‘Moby Dick’, only sold 50 copies….

– The liver, not the heart, is the sign of romance in northern Morocco….
When a Moroccan girl falls in love she says, “Darling, you have stolen my
liver.”

– Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn’t
matter whether they are in front, behind, or beside them….

– A small tribe named the Todas in southern India don’t greet each other
with a handshake, they thumb their noses….

– The host team in an NFL football game must have 26 footballs inflated
and ready to play….

– The world’s greatest lover was King Mongut of Siam. He had 9,000
wives…. Before dying of syphilis he was quoted as saying he only loved
the first 700….

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this?!”

A short guide to comparative religions:

Taoism : Shit Happens.
Buddhism : If shit happens it’s not really shit.
Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah
Protestantism : Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism : This shit happened before.
Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.
Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.
Atheism : NO shit!
Jehovah’s witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.
Hedonism : There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Existentialism : What is shit anyway?
Stoicism : This shit doesn’t bother me.
Rastafarianinsm : Let’s smoke this shit.

on new year eve, one family went to church for the preparation for the new year day. so before they came back the chicken they want to kill for the has escape so they trace the chicken to where they will find and find it on the roof of the church. the chicken was prayer that i would not die but to proclaim the work of the Lord.