Category: other

A good craftsman never blames his tools.

(This is because a good craftsman wouldn’t be caught dead with bad tools.)

This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra:TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is?JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra.TEACHER: Very good, Johnny.They come to the elephant.TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal this is?JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an elephant?TEACHER: Very good, Jane.They come to the baboon cage.TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is?No response.Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly.TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try?BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face… must be a truck driver.

CHILI CONTEST These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey… “Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.

Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event.”

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestine�s are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: �Ho hum�, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided too stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it,I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending… this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

This happens a second time.

The third time this happens, she says “Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?”

The man replied, “Don’t ask me lady. I’m just a painter!”

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

“Oh, $2,000 a week.”

“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”

“Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Mi abuela era muy conocida por su fe y por su falta de reticencia para hablar de ella. Ella sol�a salir al frente de su casa y decir: “�Alabado sea el Se�or!”

Entonces, uno de sus vecinos gritaba: “No hay ning�n Se�or.”

En aquellos d�as mi abuela era muy pobre, as� que su vecino decidi� probar que �l ten�a raz�n y compr� una gran bolsa de comida y la puso frente a la puerta de mi abuela.

La ma�ana siguiente, mi abuela sali� al frente de la casa y al ver la bolsa dijo: “�Alabado sea el Se�or!”

El vecino sali� de detr�s de unos �rboles donde se hab�a escondido y dijo: “�Yo traje esa comida, y no hay ning�n Se�or!”

Mi abuela replic�: “Se�or, no s�lo me enviaste comida, sino que hiciste que el demonio pagara por ella.”

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him. “So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?”

“Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us.”

“Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?”

“We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.”

“And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?”

The rabbi, wearily, replies, “We send them to the city as well.”

“To the city!? And what do they send to you?”

“Today they have sent you to us.”

Llega la madre a la casa, con su hija ciega, y le dice:

“Hija, compr� una crema, que cuando te la aplique, despu�s de 4 horas vas a volver a ver.”

Y la hija dice: “Dale mam�, pon�mela.”

A la primer hora: “Mam�, mam�, sac�mela”

Y la madre dice: “Esper� hija, faltan 3 horas.”

As� hasta la �ltima hora, y dice: “Dale mam�, no aguanto m�s.”

“Est� bien, dice la madre.” Le saca la crema, y la hija se larga a llorar, y dice: “Mam�, mam�, no veo.”

Y la madre le responde: “Hija, �FELIZ D�A DE LOS INOCENTES!”

Q: Why do so many black people move to Detroit?

A: Because they heard there were no jobs there.

ARIES
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.

GEMINI
You are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.

CANCER
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That’s why you’ll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.

LEO
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

VIRGO
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. The majority of you Libras have a venereal disease.

SCORPIO
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle or success because of your total lack of ethics. You have a weakness for pasta and adultery. Most Scorpio people end up murdered.

SAGITTARIUS
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or druggies. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as a dog might mistake you for a fire hydrant.

AQUARIUS
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES
You have a vivid imagination, and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

�En qu� piensa la mujer mientras hace el amor?

A los 17 a�os: �Ojal� que no pase nada!

A los 30 a�os: �Ojal� que esta vez me regale el tapado de piel!

A los 50 a�os: hay que cambiar la pintura del techo.

Ver� se�or juez:

Tuve la desgracia de casarme con una viuda. De haberlo sabido no me hubiese casado, porque ella ten�a una hija.

Mi padre era viudo y para mayor desgracia se enamor� de la hija de mi mujer, de manera que mi esposa era suegra de mi padre, y al mismo tiempo �l era mi yerno.

Al poco tiempo mi padre trajo al mundo un var�n que era mi hermano, pero era nieto de mi mujer, de manera que yo era abuelo de mi hermano.

Al correr el tiempo mi mujer trajo al mundo un var�n, y como era hermano de mi madre era cu�ado de mi padre y t�o de su hijo, mi mujer era suegra de su propia hija, yo en cambio, soy padre de mi madre, mi padre y su mujer son mis hijos y adem�s yo soy mi propio abuelo.

Ya ve se�or juez, me despido del mundo por que no s� quien soy.