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Entra un tipo en una droguer�a y le dice al dependiente: “Me da 200 bolitas de alcanfor para acabar con la polilla”.

El dependiente le objeta: “�pero hombre, con un par de bolitas tienes de sobra!”

“Es por si fallo”, responde el palurdo.

Q: Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in
their chili?

A: Because if they put in one more, it would
be 240 (too-farty)!!!

1. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.

4. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

5. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There’s two theories to arguin’ with the foreman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

9. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

10. It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people:

a. The ones that learn by reading,

b. the few who learn by observation, and

c. the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see if it’s hot.

One night at church the preacher was preaching that Jesus went to Hell to
take the keys of death and Hell from Satan. So one day it was stormy and
my 4yr old son was getting scared. I told him he was ok and that God would
keep us and him safe. Then I told him that even if something did happen
that we would go to Heaven. He says, “I don’t want to go to Heaven.” So I
asked him, “You want to go to Hell?” He said “Yes cause Jesus is there.”

Of course I had alot of explainning to do. LOL this is a true story by the
way.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!”

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Answer:lickalotofpuss

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Submitted by Muffin_007
Edited by Yisman

What did the saint say when asked if he was completely naked? He said sure I disrobe everytime I see a dog.

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I’ll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket.

(He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket.

There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boy’s mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, “Listen son, don’t go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they’ve got teeth down there.”

The boy listened intently to his father’s advice.

Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl.

Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.

They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father’s advice and shies away.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there.” replied the young man.

“Of course we haven’t got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like.”

So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he’s poking around, examining the lady’s most private parts.

“Hmmmm. I don’t see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man
as he’s walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his
hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.
The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says
that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They
unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.

After a while one blonde asks if it feels better and he says,
“That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!”

10. Eight hour lunch, two-dollar tip.

9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”

8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.

6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Como!”

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for
dinner, would you?”

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”

1. Three words: eat the check.