Category: other

While making love to his wife, Rajeeb discovered he couldn’t concentrate. Though they were only married a few years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless.Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, “What happened? Did I hurt you?””No,” said his surprised wife.”Why do you ask?””No reason, really,” he replied with a sigh.”It was just for one moment there I thought you moved.”

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.The airline rep said “Don’t mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.”The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.” He tells the dog, “Rover, search.”The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm.He says “Good boy.” He turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.””Fantastic!” replies the first man.Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm.The airline rep says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number.””I like it!” says the first man.Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks “What is going on?”The handler nervously replies “He just found a bomb!”

Un matrimonio de rancheros, se dirig�an a la capital, pero en el cami�n no aceptaban animales y llevaban un zorrillo que les hab�an encargado. Entonces, al ranchero se le ocurre una idea…

“�Sabes qu� vieja?

“�Qu� viejo?”

“�Pos que te vas a esconder el zorrillo ai merito!”

“�Ai merito d�nde viejo?”

“�Pos ai merito bajo las enaguas… entre las piernas!”

“�Ay viejo…! �Y el apeste…?

“�Pos ni modo vieja… que se chingue el zorrillo!”

After turning himself in, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs.

I don’t think he helped his case when he asked ‘These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.” The mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!” The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence”. The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.” The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?”

There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, “Crisco, Cris–co!” Finally a store clerk approached.”Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.” “Oh,” replied the old gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife.” “Your wife is named “Crisco?” “Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.” “Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?” “Lard ass.”

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”

The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

“Ok, I’m a prostitute.”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m a chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.

Un matrimonio circulaba en su veh�culo por la cordillera alpina sin decirse ni una palabra debido a una pelea que acababan de tener, y sin ninguna perspectiva de reconciliaci�n.

Mientras pasaban por una hacienda, donde hab�a varias mulas y cochinos, el esposo sarc�sticamente pregunt�:

“�Familiares tuyos…?”

“S�… mis suegros.”

A man is joggy around a lake and sees a woman crying. So he stops and asked whats wrong. The woman said I never been huged cuz I have no arms and legs. So the gives her a hug. The next day he sees the woman again and asked her why is she still crying she said cuz I never been kissed. So the man gives her a kiss. The very next day the woman is still there crying and he asked again whats wrong she said I never been fucked. So the man pick her up and throws her in the lake and said now your fuck.

Q. Why are Australians like kiwifruit?

A. Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside…..
and too many of them will give you the shits!

Seen in my local paper’s ‘readers sales’ section.FOR SALE BY OWNERComplete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. �1000 pounds or best offer.Reason for sale:- No longer required. Got married last weekend. Wife knows F**king everything.

A ventriloquist walks into a small Australian town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog and figures he’ll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: ‘G’day mate. Good looking dog… mind if l speak to him?’

Local: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid man.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hey dog, how’s it going old mate?’

Dog: ‘Doin’ all right.’

Local: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): ‘Is this man your owner?’

Dog: ‘Yep.’

Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’

Dog: ‘Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and lakes me to the river once a week to play.’

Local: (Look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’

Local: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either… I think.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’

Horse: ‘Cool.’

Local: (Absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): ‘Is this your owner?’

Horse: ‘Yep.’

Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’

Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.’

Local: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: �Mind if l talk to your sheep?’

Local: ‘The sheep’s a bloody liar!’