Category: other

Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?

Because they can’t refuse anything with 10% off.

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there’s a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : “Now that’s a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!”

The young woman is thinking : “Now that’s a strange Russian soldier, he’d rather kiss that old hag than me.”

The Russian soldier is thinking : “Now that’s a smart Czech, he steal the kiss and I get slapped.”

And the Czech dissident is thinking : “Gee I’m smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier.”

A guy got a sunburnt while at a nude beach.

Later, he found having sex to be extremely painful, so he went to the kitchen, poured a glass of milk, and inserted his dick in the glass.

His girlfriend came into the kitchen and said, “I’ve always wanted to know how men reload that thing.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

13. The Cult of Saint Pamela, “Our Lady of the Anatomical Enhancements”

12. X-TREME RELIGION!!!

11. The Holy Lillith Church of the Minor-Keyed Female Vocalist

10. Joe-piscopal

9. Star Trek – The Next Denomination

8. Leonardo DiCatholic

7. Branch Hansonians

6. Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel

5. Microsoft Second Coming 99 beta 4

4. Two words: Jesus Spice

3. Harry Caray-Ishna

2. Crystal Methodist

1. Hey Judaism

To: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the
restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995 a
Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistent
method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a “Restroom Trip Bank” will be established
for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will
be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be
accumulated from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being
equipped with personnel identification stations and computer
linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks,
each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one
normal and one under stress) management by Feb. 10, 1995. The
voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not
restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should acquaint
themselves with the stations during this period. It will be
restrictive starting March 1, 1995.

If an employee’s RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all
restrooms will not unlock for that employee’s voice print until
the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time
paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than
three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire
building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and
announce over the public announcing system the name of the
delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper
will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will
automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains
seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be
linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have
any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you
supervisor.

Thank You!
Management

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, AOL Disks,
etc.)

Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump
out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at
them, scratch your head, and act confused.

Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big
letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about
time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come
to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act
like it’s a surprise party.

Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out
what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring”
sound.

After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or
say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street,
and yell, “Crawl for it!”

When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and
scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the
house, screaming until they go away.

Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them
any candy.

Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep
asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes
within 50 yards of your house.

When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the
glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a
moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the
eggs are the only things you had left over from Easter.

Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a
two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars
in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few
seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.

Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist
that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the
door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when
you’re finished.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Being an avid lawn nut, I refuse to permit weeds in my perfect lawn, and use herbicides each week. One night, a party guest was walking along the property line with my daughter. Seeing a sea of clover on my neighbour’s lawn, she noticed it came-up to my lawn and stopped. She asked my daughter why the clover didn’t cross-over onto my lawn.My daughter furrowed her brow, looked at the guest evenly and replied, “It wouldn’t dare !”

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed ”sleeping”. She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ”Your dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ”Your dog is dead”. She was like ”Ok, how much do I owe you?” The doctor said ”$300”She said, ”What!?!? How could it cost that much??”He said ”$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan”

Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think file clerks are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in with, “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

Indian (ear to the ground): “Buffalo come.”

Cowboy: “How do you know?”

Indian: “Ear sticky.”

Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.”Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.”The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!”So the old man says, “I know! I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”