Category: other

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: “Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.””BASTARD!” cried the Mother Superior. “For years he told me it was Gabriel’s trumpet and I have been blowing it.”

The Prayer Group God willing! The Co-Dependence Club Can I bring a friend? The Agoraphobics Society Only if they meet at my house The Self Esteem Builders They wouldn’t accept me anyway The Procrastinator’s Club Maybe next week The anti-perspirant club? Sure. The pregancy club? Conceivably. The Spanish optometrists club? Si The Arafat club? Yessir. The Alzheimer’s club? Forget it. The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey. The Peter Pan club? Never. Never. The Japanese theater club? Noh. The quarterback club? I’ll pass. The Rhett Butler club? I don’t give a damn. The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life. The Ebert movie club? Roger. The Yoko Club? Oh no The German philosophy club? I. Kant. The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a
problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?” God asks her.

“Lord,” she says, “I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but
I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples,” she says.

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you,”
the good Lord tells her.

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” she inquires.

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll
give you a hard time.

But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really
good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants,
and not altogether bad in the love department.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you
can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?” she asks.

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first!”

there was a brunette, a red head, and a blonde……. The Brunette says I want a man that owns a corn field….The red head says I want a man that loves me and has a corn field…the blonde says I want a Corny man…….

Hahahahahaha

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on
the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look
friend, don’t EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologizes and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could
scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, “Sorry, it’s not really
your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving hearses for the last
25 years!

When I die I want to go peacefully — like my grandfather did — In his
sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

What has eight legs and a black asshole?

The A-Team.

“�C�mo que la leche tiene gusto raro, te la tomas!”
Madre de Pasteur.

“�Deja de gritar todo el d�a, te vas a quedar af�nico de por vida!”
Madre de Pl�cido Domingo.

“�Deja de jugar con esas maquinitas, as� nunca vas a salir de pobre!”
Madre de Bill Gates.

“�Otra vez al cine? �Busca oficio!”
Madre de Steven Spielberg.

“�Es la �ltima vez que me haces garabatos en las paredes!”
Madre de Picasso.

“�Apenas es un rasponcito, deja de chuparte el dedo!”
Madre de Dr�cula.

“D�jate de cuentos y rodeos, h�blame claro, sin f�bulas…”
Madre de Esopo.

“�Nene, ya d�jate de lavar tanto las manos, se te van a pelar!”
Madre de Poncio Pilatos.

“�Qu� relativo ni que ocho cuartos, si llegas tarde te ponen falta!”
Madre de Einstein.

There is a saying that states, “Truth is stranger than fiction.” I worked in an Emergency room in a large city hospital when, one evening, a young woman came in complaining of a “strange purple discharge”. One of our newest resident doctors had the privilege of trying to solve this perplexing gynocological problem. Totally baffled, he turned to the Attending Physician in charge for a consult. The old Doc looked at the woman’s chart and noticed that she had recently visited the local free clinic. He asked her why she was there, and she stated that the visit was to get birth control. He then asked, ” What kind of birth control did you get?” She said, “I got one of them diaphrams.” He then asked’ “Are you using contraceptive jelly with the diaphram?” “CONTRACEPTIVE jelly!” she yelled, “They never said it had to be CONTRACEPTIVE jelly!” True story.

Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?

Because they can’t refuse anything with 10% off.

Hello darling,” breathed the obscene phone caller. “If you can guess what’s in my hand, I’ll give you a piece of the action.”

“Listen Honey,” drawled the lady, “If you can hold it in one hand, I ain’t interested.”

Se encuentra Manolo en la cantina muy preocupado. Se acerca Venancio y le pregunta:

“�Qu� te ocurre, Manolo?”

“Fig�rate que se meti� un bandido a mi casa y se ha robado todo”.

“�No es posible, ya no se puede con la delincuencia!”

“Y eso no es lo peor, el muy desgraciado ha tomado a mi esposa, la Pilarica, y la ha violado”.

“�Pero qu� desgraciado…!”

“Pero eso no es lo peor, tambi�n agarr� a mis tres hijas: To�a, Maru y Pilariquita y tambi�n las ha violado”.

“�Pero que maldito, merece que lo fr�an en aceite!”

“Pero que eso no es lo peor, tambi�n me ha tomado a m� y me ha violado”.

“�No es posible, esto es la locura!”

“Pero eso no es lo peor…”

“��Pero qu� puede ser peor que eso, hombre?!”, le interrumpe.

“�Lo peor es que me ha gustado!”