Category: other

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements
coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees
will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales
at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes
Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming
intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe
you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go
act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.(R&D
Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit
it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I’ say.” (Mktg.
executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my
boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of
the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,”That
would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform
you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.”
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project
I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I
wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New
Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the
sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training
manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was
called into the HR Director’s office, and was told that the executive VP wanted
me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t
stand for “perverts” (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me
her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word
“pedagogical” circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he
looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send
to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a
memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be
found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month
later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation
letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in
a very advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just waits until
you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell
me what you has so excited?”

“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the
chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”

“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.

“But that’s not what has me so excited, Father,” replied the nun, “it was
what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could
urinate the highest on the wall!”

“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”

“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”

To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”

What type of dog does Micheal Jackson have?

A Labradoor

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law The panda bear tells the policeman that he’s innocent and, if he didn’t believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up “panda bear.” It says, ”Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.”

Item in Berwickshire Gazette – November 11th 1998A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse.Last May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour.The #5000 machine then seized up and could not be reset by the bemused PC’s. The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland.Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape – the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the “hostile” radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Maverick air-to-ground missile ready to neutralise the perceived threat. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched.

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5000 quid.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as own-payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Sainsbury’s supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

When Artie was tried and found guilty, the headlines read, ‘Artie Chokes Two for a Pound at Sainsbury’s!’

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did’nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did’nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said “I’m afraid of needles, the electric chair won’t work so you’re going to have to hang me”.

There is this French couple sitting up talking when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.

So the father goes to his son’s room and says, “Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?”

“Oh yes papa, I remember very well,” says the son.

“Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a
problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?” God asks her.

“Lord,” she says, “I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but
I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples,” she says.

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you,”
the good Lord tells her.

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” she inquires.

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll
give you a hard time.

But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really
good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants,
and not altogether bad in the love department.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you
can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?” she asks.

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first!”

En un velorio, un amigo del difunto se acerca a la viuda y le dice:

“Lo siento se�ora, lo siento.”

La se�ora responde:

“No gracias, d�jelo acostadito nom�s.”

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
* Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….it’ll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me….”We are all individuals.”
* Death to all fanatics!
* Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo.
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked in jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists….they don’t expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying “Enter here for a chance at free sex!” They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter.The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, “Sorry, but the number is eight.” The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, “Sorry, but the number was three.”As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, “You know, I think that contest was rigged.” The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, “Naw, it’s on the up and up. My wife won twice last week.”