Category: other

At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.One guy asked: “If our chute doesn’t open…..and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?” The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”

Un borrach�n estaba en una cantina bebiendo de una botella. Y cada vez que echaba un trago, miraba por el pico de la botella y se carcajeaba. Curioso, el cantinero se le queda viendo y le pregunta:

“�Por qu� cada vez que mira por el pico de la botella casi se caga de la risa?”

Con voz pastosa, el beodo responde:

“Cuando miro por la botella puedo verle las nalgas al diablo”.

Entonces el cantinero agarra la botella y observa a trav�s del pico.

“�Aqu� nom�s veo pura verga!”

“�Entonces ya se volte�!”

Yo mama is so fat when she skips a meal, the stock-market drops.

What is the difference between an Iranian and an Iraqi?

Same dad, different camel.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Un tipo acude a un consultorio m�dico para hacerse el examen de la pr�stata. El galeno le explica:

“Se�or, de acuerdo a la comunicaci�n oficial que el Colegio de M�dicos me ha hecho llegar esta misma ma�ana, es mi obligaci�n comenzar a practicar los ex�menes de pr�stata de acuerdo al m�s reciente m�todo aprobado por la Organizaci�n Panamericana de la Salud, el cual consiste en la introducci�n de mi pene para los efectos del chequeo respectivo; esto porque se descubri� que con la introducci�n del dedo se producen peque�as pero significativas lesiones en el recto del paciente derivado del roce de las u�as”.

El paciente, evidentemente sorprendido, replica con vehemencia:

“Doctor, �c�mo puede usted decirme tal cosa? �Por qui�n me est� tomando? �Cree que soy imb�cil o qu�?”

“No, se�or. Perd�neme, pero yo estoy obligado, por el juramento que hice, a practicar mi profesi�n de acuerdo a las normativas establecidas. Por eso ahora debo practicarle el examen de pr�stata con introducci�n de mi pene, porque esa es la orden expresa del Colegio de M�dicos… Si lo desea m�rchese, o bien qu�dese para que yo haga mi trabajo por el bien de su salud”.

El afectado, viendo que en realidad con ir donde otro m�dico no se salvar�a del flamante “m�todo”, al ser �ste una norma gremial, accedi� a practicarse el chequeo de esta forma. Y bien, ya estaba el m�dico en lo suyo cuando dice el paciente:

El afectado, pensando que de nada servir�a acudir con otro m�dico porque tal vez no se salvar�a del flamante ‘m�todo’, al ser �ste una norma gremial, accede a practicarse el chequeo de esa forma. Cuando ya el facultativo est� en lo suyo, el paciente t�midamente le solicita:

“Doctor, �me puede hacer un favorcito?”

“S�, se�or, con mucho gusto”.

“Sea tan amable de cerrar la puerta, que la gente va a creer que me est� culeando…”

An old guy goes to Jo’s for a meal and he gets runny scrambled eggs, burnt toast and burnt hashbrowns.

As he was leaving the restaurant the cashier asked him how his meal was.

He replies “My compliments to the photographer.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Una pareja fue entrevistada en un programa de televisi�n porque estaban casados desde hac�a 50 a�os y jam�s se hab�an peleado.

El periodista, lleno de curiosidad, pregunta a la mujer:

“�Pero ustedes, nunca han discutido?”

“No”, responde la mujer.

“�Y c�mo es eso?

“Bien, cuando nos casamos mi marido ten�a una yegua que apreciaba much�simo. Era la criatura que �l m�s quer�a en la vida. El d�a de nuestra boda fuimos de luna de miel en nuestro carro tirado por la yegua. Anduvimos algunos metros y la yegua tropez�. Mi marido le dijo con voz firme a la yegua:

Uno.

Pero unos metros m�s adelante la yegua tropez� de nuevo. Mi marido mir� a
la yegua y dijo:

Dos.

La tercera vez que se tropez�, sac� su pistola y le peg� cinco tiros a la criaturita. Yo, totalmente sorprendida le recrimin�:

�Pero por qu� has hecho semejante cosa, hombre?

Mi marido me mir� y dijo:

Uno”.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?” “Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man. “Um, yeah…” the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”

A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his math.
His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement.

His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to try the Catholic school system but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not religious.

They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record. They reluctantly enrolled their son in the Catholic school. Immediately the boy’s math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to become an A student.

His parents were surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement. “Was it better teaching” they asked and the boy said “No the teachers are about the same”. “Was it a different text book?” Again the boy said “No it is the same text book”

Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.

The boy said “the first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences.”

Their parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously.

The boy answered “the first thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy nailed to a plus sign.”

There is this French couple sitting up talking when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.

So the father goes to his son’s room and says, “Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?”

“Oh yes papa, I remember very well,” says the son.

“Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

What do you ask Michael Jackson when yor playing chess with him?

Do want to be black or white.

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.”How was work, dear?” his wife asks.”Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.”Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.”Listen!” he shouts again.”I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?”At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”