Category: other

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a
part in the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?” The
boy says “I play the part of the Jewish husband!” The mother scowls and says:
“Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.”

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.”I think this one will really move,” said the broker.”It’s only $1 a share.””Buy me 1,000 shares,” said the client.The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares.”The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares.””Great!” said the broker.The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”The broker asked, “To who? You were the only one buying that stock.”

A man walks into a Doctors office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.”What’s the matter with me Doc?” he asked.”You’re not eating properly!” replied the Doctor.

These three nuns die and go to heaven. They are greeted at the
pearly gates by St. Peter, who tells them, “Ladies, because you
have given such valuable service to God while on earth, he is
granting you each one wish. You can go back to earth for one day
as anyone you choose to be.”

The first nun says, “I would like to be Jennifer Lopez.” All of
a sudden, “poof,” she was back on earth running around with her
big, juicy booty.

The second nun says, “I would like to be Pamela Sue Anderson.”
Once again, there was a “poof,” and she was jiggling around all
over the earth.

The third nun thinks for a minute and says, “I would like to be
Alice Kapipaline.” St. Peter says, “Sister, I don’t recall an
Alice Kapipaline ever being born. You wait right here while I go
and check our records.”

After several hours, St. Peter finally comes back and
says,”Sister, I can not find any Alice Kapipaline in our
records, are you sure she existed?”

The nun pulls a news clipping out of her pocket and hands it to
St. Peter. After he carefully studies it, he looks at the nun
and says, “Sister, it was the ‘Alaskan Pipeline’ that was laid
by 10,000 workers!”

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.

The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.

That evening the Packers coach got his team together and said, “I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place.” So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, “Well, how about it, are they cheating?”

“They sure are!” the player reported, “They’re cutting holes in the ice.”

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “A girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary’s skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “I repeat, a girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn’t get home until very late. That night she wrote, “Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages. “Momma, look what I found”, the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “It’s Adam’s suit!!!!!”

Un borrach�n estaba en una cantina bebiendo de una botella. Y cada vez que echaba un trago, miraba por el pico de la botella y se carcajeaba. Curioso, el cantinero se le queda viendo y le pregunta:

“�Por qu� cada vez que mira por el pico de la botella casi se caga de la risa?”

Con voz pastosa, el beodo responde:

“Cuando miro por la botella puedo verle las nalgas al diablo”.

Entonces el cantinero agarra la botella y observa a trav�s del pico.

“�Aqu� nom�s veo pura verga!”

“�Entonces ya se volte�!”

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.

As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It’s not proper to walk around without any panties on.”

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.

When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.

The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says… “Lady, take this money and for God’s sake, go buy yourself a razor!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Old Henry has been sick for quite some time, and could no longer stand the doldrums he was in, so he decided to see his good friend, Dr. Herb Cohen.After a thorough examination, Dr. Cohen told his friend, Henry, ” Henry, you have a very rare disease and the only thing that can help you is to have a daily drink of fresh milk from a young mother.”That didn’t sound too bad to Henry, and after several days of looking for the right person, they found a young mother who was willing to sell her milk. So, for the first couple of days Henry showed up at the beautiful young lady’s house at 2:00 sharp, and proceeded to imbibe of the woman’s breast milk.On the fifth day, the young lady was beginning to get accustomed to Henry, and with him nuzzling her breasts, she was becoming a bit erotic. So, as Henry was about to finish drinking the milk of the woman that day, she said to him seductively, “Well, Henry, is there anything else you would like?”Henry thought for a moment, and then replied, “Yes, if you would be so kind, and it’s not too much trouble, maybe an Oreo cookie?”

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu,
the leader of Israel.
�Your Holiness,� said one of the Cardinals, �Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge
you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the
Jewish and Catholic faiths.�
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his
hand, �Have we not,� he asked, �a cardinal who can represent me against the
leader of Israel?�
�None that plays golf very well,� a cardinal said. �But,� he added, �there is
a man named Jack Nicolas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can
offer to make him a cardinal, and then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as
your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation,
we�ll also win the match.�
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicolas was
honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicolas reported to the
Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
�I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,� said the golfer.
�Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicolas,� said the Pope.
�Well,� you�re Holiness, �I don�t like to brag, but even though I�ve played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever
played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and
true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all
due respect, my play was truly miraculous.�
�There�s bad news?� the Pope asked.
Nicolas sighed. �I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.�

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan
Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man
at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,
she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the
amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after
opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which
amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank’s secretary
to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like
to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal
level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a
large amount of money. “Was it an inheritance?” he asked. “No.” she
answered. “Was it from playing the stock market?” “No.” she
replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old
lady could possibly come into 3 million. “I bet.” she stated. “You
bet?” repeated the bank president. “As in horses?” “No.” she
replied, “I bet people.”

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets on different
things with different people. All of a sudden she said, “I’ll bet
you $25,
000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be
square.”

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take her up on the bet. He didn’t see how he could lose. For the
rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to
stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,
000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked
the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the
little old lady to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He
knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,
000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o’clock sharp the little old
lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he
inquired as to the man’s purpose for being there, she informed him
that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was
this much money involved.

“Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?” “I don’t know how to tell
you this,” he replied, “but I am the same as I’ve always been only
$25,
000.00 richer.” The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that
she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was
reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over
and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across
the room banging his head against the wall.

“What’ wrong with him?” he inquired. “Oh him,” she replied, “I bet
him $100,
000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning that I’d have the
president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.”