Category: other

Un mudo se encuentra jugando bingo. Van diciendo un n�mero, despu�s otro, y as� hasta que gana.

“�Mmmmm!”, exclama el mudo desesperado, tratando de llamar la atenci�n.

“�Mmmmm!”

Al ver que no le hacen caso, comienza a bajarse la cremallera del pantal�n, cuando alguien hombre lo ve y grita:

“�El mudo se la sac�! �El mudo se la sac�!”

What’s the only bad thing about the 69 position ? The view.

Transcript of the actual radio conversation, of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert your course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that’s one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of these ships.

Canadians: This is the Newfoundland lighthouse. Your call!

* When you go fishin’ and you catch something,’ that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something,’ that’s bad.* Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither. And don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.* In fishin’ you lie about the one that got away. In lovin’ you lie about the one you caught.* You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.* You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.* Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.

Un piquetero (agitador social), un pol�tico y una mujer fueron sometidos a un detector de mentiras. Si lo que estaban pensando no era verdad, la m�quina hac�a “pipipipip”.

Entonces el piquetero dice: “Yo pienso que tenemos que dejar de hacer piquetes”

“Ppipipip.”

El pol�tico dice:

“Yo pienso que tenemos que dejar de robar plata.”

“Pipipipip.”

Y finalmente la mujer dice:

“Yo pienso…”

“Pipipipip.”

Un tipo llega muy borracho a la puerta de su casa y empieza a gritar:

“Mar����a, Mar����a”

Su esposa se acerca a la ventana y le reclama:

“�Otra vez borracho, es el colmo! �Y ahora, qu� quieres? �Qu� te tire la llave?”

“No, la llave si la tengo, m�s bien t�rame el hueco de la cerradura que no lo encuentro”.

En un monasterio hab�a un sacerdote que acostumbraba ba�arse todas las noches en su tina, ayudado por una hermana religiosa, quien hab�a sido educada en la misi�n de ayudar al padre, sin pudor, en lo que necesitara durante su ba�o cotidiano.

Una ma�ana, la hermana se encuentra con la madre superiora y le comenta:

“Madre, he sido salvada”.

“�Pero c�mo ha ocurrido tan magno evento, querida hija?”

“Anoche, mientras ayudaba al padre Jos� con su ba�o, �l tom� mi mano y la llev� hasta su entrepierna y me dijo: �sta es la llave del cielo, y que ser�a necesario probarla con mi cerradura para ver si se abr�an las puertas del Cielo para ser salvada.

“Este viejo desgraciado… �y qu� m�s pas�?”

“Bueno, probamos la cerradura; �l me dijo que al principio doler�a un poco, porque el camino al cielo era dif�cil y doloroso, pero que al final sentir�a un gran placer”.

“Este viejo desgraciado. �Y a m� me ten�a enga�ada con que era la trompeta del arc�ngel san Gabriel y se lo estoy soplando hace 20 a�os!”

Este es un divertido ejercicio de lectura; es un texto dif�cil de leer en forma continua. Int�ntalo leer en voz alta, seguido, sin parar; r�pido, pero sin correr.

Este gato est� vivo.
Este gato es vivo.
Este gato la ve f�cil.
Este gato forma c�rculos.
Este gato de mi casa.
Este gato tener fiebre.
Este gato a la hora.
Este gato un rato.
Este gato pendejo; pendejo gato.
Este gato entretenido �l s�lo.
Este gato por gato.
Este gato cuarenta veces.
Este gato segundos despu�s.

Ahora lee solamente la tercera palabra de cada l�nea.

A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In
fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there. The
boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”

Yes, I was a salesman in the country,� said the lad. The boss liked the cut of
him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close
up.”

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock
came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make
today?”

“One,” said the young salesman.

“Only one?” blurted the boss, “most of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?”

“Three hundred thousand dollars,” said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” said the salesman “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook,
then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small
fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he
said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the
car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to
a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

“No,” answered the salesman “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife
and I said to him, ‘Your weekend’s shot, you may as well go fishing.”

Llega un tipo a la casa de su compadre y al tocar la puerta grita “Soy yo compadre!”. La comadre le abre y dice “Juan est� en el ba�o”,
y ah� va el compadre, entra y est� el compadre en un jacuzzi, y el compadre sorpendido dice:

“�PERO COMPADRE QUE ES ESA CHINGADERA!”

“Es un jacuzzi compadre…”

“�Y d�nde lo compr�?”

“Mire, llame a tal n�mero y all� se lo venden.”

Y el compadre habla y dice “quiero una cosa como la de mi compadre”.

“�Y quien es su compadre?”

“Fulano.”

“Ah s�, usted quiere un jacuzzi! Van a ser $2500.”

“�QUE!, no habra otra cosa m�s barata…”

“Una tina.”

“Bueno, pues me la llevo.”

“Luego se la mandamos.”

Pasa un mes y la tina no llega, y el compadre desesperado le habla a Juan y le pregunta y el compadre dice: “es que tiene que mandar un telegrama compadre.”

Va el compadre y manda un telegrama donde pone:
“Miren hijos de su madre, quiero mi pinche tina ahora mismo.” Va, lo entrega y le dicen “son $500”

“!QUE!”

“Son tantas letras y a tanto por letra.”

“Est� bien, har� otro.”

Y pone solo una I.

A la semana le hablan: “Se�or perengano �usted nos mando un telegrama?”

“S�.”

“Pero no le entendemos solo tiene una letra.”

“�Y que letra es?”

“Una I.”

“�Que tipo de I?

“I latina.”

“Ah� est� pendejos: �Y LA TINA donde carajos est�.”

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly…
“My asshole itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

Have you heard of that Japanese book, “White, Creamy Walls”?

It was written by Whoflung Kum.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis