Category: other

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY

La familia entera iba de vacaciones: el pap�, la mam�, los ni�os y hasta la abuela. Ya llevaban varias horas de viaje y estaban todos cansados, especialmente los ni�os, que desde que parten comienzan a preguntar: �cu�nto falta para que lleguemos? Bueno, esto hay que imagin�rselo en ingl�s, ya que el viaje era por los Estados Unidos, y estaban viajando desde el norte hacia la c�lida Florida. El padre de familia, y conductor, ya estaba con las bolas por el piso con los ni�os, por lo que decidi� parar en la primera playa que encontraran. Para su sorpresa, �sta era de nudistas, pero no les import�. Se sacaron la ropa y partieron a disfrutar del sol. De pronto la ni�a menor vuelve y le pregunta a la mam�:

“�Mam�, por qu� unas se�oras tienen los pechos m�s grandes que otras?”

“Porque tienen m�s dinero, hijita”.

“Ah, ya entend�”.

Al rato la ni�ita vuelve y le pregunta a la mam�:

“�Mam�, por qu� hay se�ores que tienen la cosa larga y otros que la tienen m�s cortita?”

“Porque los que la tienen m�s larga son m�s inteligentes”.

“Ah, ya entend�”.

Y la ni�a volvi� a jugar con su castillo de arena. Minutos m�s tarde la peque�a viene donde la mam� corriendo y le cuenta muy nerviosa:

“�Mam�, mam�! �Pap� est� sentado conversando con una se�ora millonaria y se est� poniendo cada vez m�s inteligente!”

A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The businessman replied. “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”

Jack and Jill went to a “Dude Ranch” while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.He told her one had a horn and one didn’t,Jill replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic out here.”

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.The only thing he said was, “F.F.”His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.”Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.”She responded simply, “E.F.”He repeated, “F.F.”She again replied, “E.F.””Mom! Dad!” their son yelled.”What’s going on?”Bad Bernie answered, “your mother wants to eat first!”

A rookie officer pulled over a guy who was speeding.
Officer: May I see your license?

Man: It is not valid. It has been revoked 5 times.

Officer: Well then can I please see the registration to the car?

Man: this is not my car. I carjacked it.

Officer: Well open up the glove box and let me see who it is registered to.

Man: I can’t open up the glove box; it has my loaded gun in there

about this time the officer is reaching for his gun.

Officer: Well what do you have a gun in the glove box for?

Manor, I used to kill my wife who is stuffed in the trunk.

The officer goes over and calls for backup. The police chief comes over and
says,

Chief: Let me get this straight, you are driving on a license that has been
revoked 5 times?

Man: No, Here, take a look,

and sure enough it was valid

Chief: Okay, but you carjacked this car?

Man: No it is my car. Let me get the registration out of the glove box and
show you.

Chief: But don’t you have a loaded gun in there?

Man: NO

And sure enough there was no gun in there and the car belonged to the man.

Chief: Well it is my understanding that you shot your wife and she is in the
trunk.

Man: No, let me open it for you.

And sure enough there was nobody in the trunk.

Man: And let me guess, the lying son-of-a-gun probably told you I was speeding
too!

Dear Son:

I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother…. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

TWELVE THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it
to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it’s going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the
door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and
opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the
priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to
go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a
promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact,
save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your
life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to
know someone is less fortunate.

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading—a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, “Father what causes arthritis”?

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man”.

“Well I’ll be damned”, the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong—how long have you had arthritis”?

“I don’t, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it”.

Un hombre entra a un bar y pide una cerveza. El encargado del bar le cobra 15 centavos. Aunque confundido por lo bajo del precio el hombre paga.

Despu�s de un rato, decide pedir otra cerveza y una carne asada. El cantinero le cobra 50 centavos: 15 por la cerveza y 35 por la comida.

Tras terminar su cerveza y su comida, el tipo llama al cantinero:

“Oiga, �sta fue la mejor carne asada que he comido en mi vida y seguramente la m�s barata. Me gustar�a hablar con el due�o para agradecerle”.

“No hay problema. El due�o est� en el piso de arriba con mi esposa”.

“�Y qu� hace el due�o all� arriba con su esposa?”

“�Probablemente los mismo que yo hago con su negocio aqu� abajo!”

You so ugly, that isn’t a hair line�it’s your hair running away from your
face!

A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…” He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

She’s astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt – it’s firm, doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, he stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – THAT WAS ME!”