Category: other

The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

Jesus died for our sins.
Let’s not disappoint him.

Yo’ mama so fat, when she went swimming, Spain claimed her as a new country!

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready… We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back.”

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ’em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. What d’ya say?”

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!”

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, ”So what do you think of mad cow disease?” The other replies, ”I dunno, I’m a chicken.”

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.”Yeah,” said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, “that wasn’t very nice of her to do.””You’re darn right it wasn’t,” Sarah said.”And they were the two best towels we had… the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation.”

Un hombre y una mujer septuagenarios viven en un asilo para ancianos. Se conocen y deciden unirse en pareja; a partir de ese d�a los abuelos van juntos al parque. Un d�a, el viejo le dice a la anciana:

“Mira, mujer, t� y yo estamos muy viejos para el sexo, as� que me conformare con que t� sostengas mi pene en tu manita”.

La dama acept� y cada que vez que iban al parque agarraba el pene del vetusto con su mano. Sin embargo un buen d�a, la viejita fue al parque y no lo encontr� en la banca de siempre. Desesperada, lo busca hasta encontrarlo con otra vieja que le sosten�a el pene con su mano. Con l�grimas en los ojos, le reclama al carcamal:

“�Por qu�, si t� y yo �ramos felices? �Qu� tiene ella que no tenga yo?”

“�Mal de Parkinson!”

Iba un tipo caminando por el malec�n de La Habana, y �l ten�a una pierna postiza, un ojo postizo, un brazo postizo y la nariz postiza.

El tipo, cansado ya de todas esas cosas postizas, se para frente a la playa y dice, “Ya yo estoy cansado de todo esto”, se quita la pierna y la tira al agua, se quita la nariz y la tira al agua, se quita el brazo y lo tira al agua, se quita el ojo y lo tira al agua.

En eso un borracho que lo est� viendo salta y dice: “�Coo��oooo! �T� s� eres inteligente eehh! �Te estas yendo pa Miami poco a poco!”

Michael Jackson’s business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he’s going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O’Brien)

A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told him, “If anything goes
wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha’ and you will be saved.”

The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said,
“Buddha oh Buddha,” and a hand came out and saved him.

He said, “Thank God,” and he was dropped.

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.”

“Why not?” the nun asked.

“Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf.”

“Nonsense,” said the nun, “I’ll just look the other way.”

So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to use the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?”

“But I still don’t understand!” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now how about that drink?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by dolly04 and Curtis

What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.