Category: other

A la clase de Jaimito llega la nueva maestra, quien habla en tono ruso:

“A ver, ni�os, para ma�ana todos de tarea tendr�n que saber decir mi nombre adecuadamente, si no, estar�n fuera de clases”.

Todos los chamitos asustados comentando entre ellos. Con mucho miedo Juancito le pregunta: “Maestra �cual es su nombre?”

Y la maestra con tono ruso les dice “Mi nombre es Vragina” y lo escribe en el pizarr�n
de la clase.

Todos los ni�os salen del sal�n de clases asustados, pensando para ma�ana. Jaimito desde luego comienza a pensar como se va a aprender ese nombre. En eso piensa en algo, se alegra y dice “�Claro!, es muy f�cil es simplemente Vagina con R y ya!”.

Sigue caminando feliz, repitiendo una y otra vez “Vagina con r, vagina con r, vagina con r”.

Al otro d�a la maestra manda a levantarse a Juanito: “Di mi nombre”, “Valentina”, la maestra
enfurecida: “�Fuera del salon ingrato!”

“Rita, di mi nombre” “Vacenilla” “�NOOOO fuera!”

Por supuesto que jaimito sigue pensando “vagina con r, vagina con r, vagina con r.”

La maestra dice “A ver Jaimito di mi nombre.” Mientras jaimito se va levantando sigue repitiendo “Vagina con r, vagina con r, vagina con r…”

La maestra insiste “Di mi nombre.” Entonces jaimito dice “�CRUCA Maestra!”

Est�n en la escuela y les dice la maestra:

“A ver ni�os, para ma�ana me van a traer una adivinanza de pelotas ehhh de pelotas.”

Ya llega el otro d�a y dice: “A ver, Juanito, tu adivinanza.”

“Mire, maestra, es una pelota as� de grande que tiene hex�gonos y se patea.”

“Una pelota de futbol.”

“A ver Pedrito, tu adivinanza.”

“Mire, maestra, es una pelota as� de chiquita, es verde y se le pega con una raqueta.”

“�Una de tennis!”

“A ver, cubanita, dame tu adivinanza.”

“mi’e maetra e una pelota ai e grande peluita peluita peluita.”

“…”

“S�, maetra e una pelota ai e grande peluita peluita peluita.”

“No pues me doy cubanita.”

“E una pelota e vaque.”

“�Una pelota de basket?”

“S�, maetra e una pelota e vaque.”

“No te creo.”

“Mire maetra: A ver vazques enhe�ale las pelotas a la maetra.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.

No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

�He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

Se encuentran dos compadres, uno de ellos le dice a su compa�ero:

“F�jese compadre que en la casa tengo un perrito muy inteligente y obediente si le digo trae el peri�dico enseguida me lo trae si le digo traeme las pantuflas inmediatamente me las trae hace el muertito se brinca es muy buena mascota.”

“MMM pues eso no es nada, f�jate que yo en casa tengo en la cisterna unos cocodrilos que tambi�n est�n amaestrados, si no f�jate nomas.”

Y van a donde los cocodrilos y con un bate de b�isbol golpea el agua y a un cocodrilo que sale de inmediato en la cabeza y en el hocico abri�ndolo de tal manera que �l se saca su cosita y el cocodrilo empieza a darle de besitos. Al terminar le dice al compadre:

“Ahora sigue usted compadre.”

Pero �ste r�pidamente le contesta:

“�S�, compadre pero a mi no me vaya a pegar con el bate!”

What is white and flies across the sky?

The coming of the Lord.

A Polish guy has never had sex, and he gets into bed on his wedding night. His wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, “Do you know what I want?”He says, “No.”She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, “Now do you know what I want?”He says, “Yeah…you want the whole friggin’ bed to yourself!”

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn’t need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God – “God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I’ve come to tell you that we really don’t need you anymore. I mean, we’ve been coming up with great theories and ideas, we’ve cloned sheep, and we’re on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don’t need you.”

God nods understandingly and says. “I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let’s have a contest. What do you think?”

The scientist says, “Sure. What kind of contest?”
God: “A man-making contest.”

The scientist: “Sure! No problem”.
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, “Okay, I’m ready!”

God replies, “No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.”

As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, “Honey, I have a confession to make. I’m a golf addict.

I play whenever I have a minute. I can’t get enough of it. you’ll probably never see me on the weekends.”

His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, “Honey I have a confession also…I’m a hooker.”

“No problem.” Replied the groom, “Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You’ll be hitting them straight in no time.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.”2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….”You are going to get it when we get home!”3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!”4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me.”5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”7. My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”8. My Mother taught me HUMOUR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”10. My Mother taught me about SEX….”How do you think you got here?”11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…”You’re just like your father.”12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.”14. And my all time favourite… JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….then you’ll see what it’s like”

Did you hear about the rocket that was launched in West Virginia?

– It got up to 300 feet but ran out of coal!

Life Lessons Learned At the Movies

* It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

* If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

* When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

* No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

* Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

* When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

* You can always find a chain saw when you need one.

* Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

* An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

* Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.

“That’s what I like to see”, said the priest, “A man helping his fellow man.”

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, “Well, he sure doesn’t know the first thing about shark fishing.”