Category: other

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.

However, she remembers what her boss told her…don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.”

The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem! I have. I have.”

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”

The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.”

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one.

She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.”

The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

One day last week the police people in Afganistan found Osmoma * they threw some Viagra in a cave and he popped right up*

Dos tontilandeses van a pasar las vacaciones a Estupid’s City. Mientras van en el tren uno se queda flipado mirando por la ventana y le dice al otro:

“Oye, �te has fijado en lo r�pido que pasan los postes?”

Y el otro le dice:

“�Es verdad, de regreso mejor nos venimos en poste!”

Marie’s funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, “At last they’re together. At last they’re together.”

A mourner whispers, “Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What’s with this nonsense…at last they’re together!”

The first mourner responds, “I’m talking about her LEGS! At last they’re together!”

What’s the difference between singer George Michael and a microwave oven?

A microwave stops when you open the door.

what is a skeltons favorite park?

rattel bones park!

* “Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don’t know where it’s been!”
* “David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice
your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!”
* “Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!”
* “Shadrach, Messiah and Abed ego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like
a dirty old’ furnace!”
* “Cain! Get off your brother! You’re going to kill him some day!”
* “Noah! No, you can’t keep them! I told you; don’t bring home any more
strays!”
* “Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your
clothes!”
* “James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table,
please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder!”
* “Judas! Have you been in my purse again?”
* “Jesus! Do you think you were born in a barn?”

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The
chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and
we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then
we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can
choose how to die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the
Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol,
the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows
his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and
gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out
all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you
doing?”

And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

LIttle Johnny went into a toy store. He took a toy plane and
gave the clerk fake money. The clerk told him, “Hey you, this
ain’t real money.” Little Johnny did not reply and continued to
walk out the store.

The clerk yelled at Little Johnny again, “Hey you, this ain’t
real money.” Little Johnny continued out the store.

The clerk ran after Little Johnny and told him again, “This
ain’t real money.” Little Johnny finally replied, “And this
ain’t a real plane.”

Man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo.

Tattoo artist: ” What kind of tattoo do you want ?”

Man: “I want the new $100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis.”

Tattoo artist: “Why?”

Man: “3 reasons: 1. I like to play with my money 2. I like to see my money grow 3. Next time the wife wants to go out and blow $100 she can stay at home.”

Voy a contarles mi historia. No es una historia de amor ni tiene un final feliz, pero es la �nica que tengo por haber nacido as�: FEO, muy FEO.

Cuando nac�, el doctor fue a la sala de espera y le dijo a mi padre “Hicimos lo que pudimos…pero sali�”.

Mi mam� no sab�a si quedarse conmigo o con la placenta.

Como era prematuro me metieron en una incubadora… con vidrios polarizados.

Mi madre nunca me dio el pecho porque dec�a que solo me quer�a como amigo. As� que en vez de darme el pecho, me daba la espalda.

Es por eso que debo haber quedado petiso, tan petiso que en lugar de ser enano, soy profundo. De chico iba por los cuarteles para que me gritaran: �alto!, �alto!.

Yo siempre fui muy peludo. A mi madre siempre le preguntaban: Se�ora, a su hijo �lo pari� o lo teji�?.

Mi padre llevaba en su cartera la foto del ni�o que ya ven�a en la cartera cuando la compr�.

Pronto me di cuenta que mis padres me odiaban, pues mis juguetes para la ba�era eran un radio y un tostador el�ctrico.

Una vez me perd�. Le pregunte al polic�a si cre�a que �bamos a encontrar a mis padres. Me contesto: No lo s�; hay un mont�n de lugares donde se pudieron haber escondido.

Y para colmo era muy flaco, tan flaco que un d�a met� los dedos en el enchufe y la electricidad err� la patada. Era realmente flaco: para hacer sombra ten�a que pasar dos veces por el mismo lugar. Pero mi problema no era ser tan flaco sino ser FEO.

Mis padres ten�an que atarme un trozo de carne al cuello para que el perro jugara conmigo.

Si amigos, yo soy FEO, tan FEO que una vez me atropell� un auto y qued� mejor.

Cuando me secuestraron, los secuestradores mandaron un dedo m�o a mis padres para pedir recompensa. Mi padre les contest� que quer�a mas pruebas.

Yo creo que no pagaron el rescate porque en casa �ramos muy pobres. Pero eso s�, a pesar de nuestra situaci�n econ�mica, somos muy honrados. Mi padre era tan honrado que un d�a encontr� trabajo, y lo devolvi�.

Por eso tuve que trabajar desde chico. Trabaj� en una tienda de animales y la gente no paraba de preguntarme cu�nto costaba yo. Un d�a llam� una chica a mi casa dici�ndome: “Ven a mi casa que no hay nadie”. Cuando llegu� no hab�a nadie.

A mi mujer le gusta mucho hablar conmigo despu�s del sexo. El otro d�a me llam� a casa desde un motel.

El psiquiatra me dijo un d�a que yo estaba loco. Yo le dije que quer�a escuchar una segunda opini�n. “De acuerdo; adem�s de loco es usted muy feo”, me dijo.

Una vez cuando me iba a suicidar tir�ndome desde la azotea de un edificio de 50 pisos, mandaron a un cura a darme unas palabras de aliento. Sus palabras fueron: “En sus marcas, listos…”

El �ltimo deseo de mi padre antes de morir era que me sentara en sus piernas. Lo hab�an condenado a la silla el�ctrica…