Category: other

And for the Main Course
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a
police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead
and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find
his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked
to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his
skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire
in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight
to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space
travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid
the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a
Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible
Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the
views. Trips to the moon also available. “Authorities believe
that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.

Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed
his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are
too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen
another field, all this may not have happened.”

And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just
couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked
each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your
money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

…Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was
seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike
Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police
have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first
child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted.
“This is her husband!”

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he
uses for a knife?

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -“

His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”

“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”

Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

“Quick, quick!!” shouts the first nun, “What shall I do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” shouts the second.

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

“What shall I do now?” shouts the first nun. “Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!” says the second.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

“Now what?” screams the first nun.

“Show him your cross!” says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY FREAKIN’ HOOD!!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to
write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research.
There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and
explained his mission.
The young man asked, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you
really happy?”

After a moment, the farmer said, “Yeah, one time my neighbor’s daughter, a
fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all
screwed her, we took her back home.”

“I can’t print that!” the young man exclaimed. “Can’t you think of anything
else that happened that made you happy?”

The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, “Yep! One time a neighbor’s sheep
got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it
back home.”

Again, the young man said “I can’t print that, either. Let’s try another
approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?”

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds
he looked up timidly at the young man and said, “This one time, I got lost…”

You know you a redneck when the speaker says “do the hodown” and you throw your wife on the floor.

The Importance of Proper Punctuation———————————————————-Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You aregenerous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like youadmit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me forother men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoeverwhen we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let mebe yours? Gloria———————————————————-Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you aregenerous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me.For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelingswhatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Willyou let me be? Yours, Gloria———————————————————-

Un hombre estaba obsesionado con los senos femeninos, as� que fue a ver a un psiquiatra y le dijo su problema.

“Voy a hacer una prueba de asociaci�n de palabras,” le explic� el doctor. “Voy a decir una palabra, y usted me dir� lo primero que se le venga a la mente.”

“Naranjas,” dijo el doctor.

“Tetas,” replic� el paciente.

“Manzanas.” “Tetas.”

“Melones.” “Tetas.”

“Limpiaparabrisas.” “Tetas.”

“�Un momento! Puedo ver la relaci�n entre naranjas, manzanas y melones con los senos. �Pero los limpiadores de autom�viles? �Cu�l es la relaci�n?”

“Muy f�cil… �uno en la izquierda y otro en la derecha!”

YOUR DAD RAPS IN HEBRU

The brothel’s madam opened the door to find a frail, elderly gentleman standing there. “May I help you?” asked the madam.

“I want Natalie,” replied the old man.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…”

“No, I must see Natalie,” insisted the old man.

Just then, Natalie appeared and advised the old man that she charges $1000 a visit. Without blinking an eye, he reached in his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two of them then went up to a room for an hour, after which the old man calmy left.

The next evening, he appeared at the brothel again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts… the price was still $1000. Again, he took out the money and the two of them went up to a room. An hour later, he left.

No one could believe it when he showed up the third consecutive night. Again, he demanded to see Natalie, handed her the money and they went up to a room. After the hour had passed, Natalie questioned him. “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

“I’m from Los Angeles,” he replied.

“Really?” Natalie said. “I have family living there.”

“Yes, I know,” the old man said. “Your father passed away and I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you $3000.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

What’s the difference between singer George Michael and a microwave oven?

A microwave stops when you open the door.

Marie’s funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, “At last they’re together. At last they’re together.”

A mourner whispers, “Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What’s with this nonsense…at last they’re together!”

The first mourner responds, “I’m talking about her LEGS! At last they’re together!”