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Entra un hombre a la iglesia y se acerca al confesionario; el sacerdote al verlo llegar pronuncia:

“Ave Mar�a Pur�sima. Dime hijo, �en qu� te puedo ayudar?”

El hombre, ni corto ni perezoso, le explica:

“Pues, mire usted que yo quer�a un coche con ABS, bolsa de aire, cierres centralizados, tapicer�a de cuero, llantas con rines de aluminio, y me han dicho que me acerque aqu�”.

“Hijo, lo que t� estas buscando es un CONCESIONARIO, con C”, responde el cura.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, “Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,…

“…And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

You know you’ve had too much coffee when…

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

* Instant coffee takes too long

* You chew on other people’s fingernails

* You answer the door, before people knock

* You sleep with your eyes open

* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee

* You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore

* You’re the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don’t even work there

* You help your dog chase its tail

* You lick your coffeepot clean

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

* You’re so wired you pick up FM radio

* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

La maestra de Pepito, hab�a encargado a la clase una composici�n sobre la mosca, donde por lo menos, deb�an escribir 100 palabras.

En el momento de revisar la tarea de Pepito, la maestra encuentra una hoja impresa en computadora que dec�a:

Alumno : Pepito Perez, Sexto a�o, Grupo “C” Tema: La mosca.

La mosca es un animal cole�ptero, que desde la ma�ana se la pasa chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue. Y as� todo el d�a.

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn’t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man’s death.

He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.”

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, “Tell me, did he suffer?”

“I don’t think so,” said the foreman: “He got out three times to go to the men’s room.

This man stops over to visit his grand parents, during a hot spell, and finds his grand father standing in front of the air conditioner without any pants on.Man says: Gramps, what are you doing? You don’t have any pants on.”Grandfather says “It’s your Grand mothers idea””Yesterday it was so hot I stood here without my shirt, and woke up with a stiff neck”

What did Baby Corn say to Momma
Corn?
Wheres Pop Corn?

A man goes to god and asks “why did you make women so beautiful?” God replies “so you would love her. Then the man asks “but why did you make her so stupid?” and god replies”so she would love you!!”

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, “Hey you, what are you doing?””I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist.”You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.”The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.”Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.”No. This is the American Embassy.”

Catch The Rabbit The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the
CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest
and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants
throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not
exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The
rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a
badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a
rabbit!”

And for the Main Course
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a
police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead
and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find
his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked
to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his
skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire
in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight
to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space
travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid
the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a
Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible
Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the
views. Trips to the moon also available. “Authorities believe
that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.

Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed
his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are
too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen
another field, all this may not have happened.”

And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just
couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked
each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your
money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

…Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was
seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike
Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police
have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first
child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted.
“This is her husband!”

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he
uses for a knife?

What do you get when you put two green balls in the palm of your hand?

Kermit the Frog’s undivided attention.

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