New boots

A man is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots and can’t wait to show them to his wife.

Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed.

He quickly strips down naked except for his new boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her.

As his wife emerges from the bathroom, her husband asks, “Well, honey, do you notice anything special?”

To which the wife replies, “Yeah, it’s limp!”

“It’s not limp!” exclaims the husband. “It’s admiring my new snakeskin boots!”

The wife looks at him and says, “Well next time buy a hat.”

Good Swimmer

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.” So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?””No,” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal…”

�En qu� se parece una

�En qu� se parece una vaca a un edificio?

La vaca es un animal muy bruto. Bruto mat� a C�sar. Cesar sin acento no me dice nada. El que no nada se ahoga. El que se ahoga tiene la sangre muy pesada. Pesada se divide en pes que es la primera s�laba de pescado, y hada es una se�ora muy bonita que nos concede cosas. Algunas cosas se transportan en ferrocarril. El ferrocarril anda en v�as. Las v�as son de metal. El metal se extrae de las minas, de las cuales tambi�n se sacan diamantes. Los diamantes se montan en anillos. Los anillos se ponen en los dedos. Los dedos tienen u�as que sirven para rascarse y matar los piojos. Piojos se divide en Pi, que es igual a 3.1416; y ojos son dos �rganos que sirven para ver que una vaca y un edificio no se parecen en nada.

25 things u must not tell your friend

1. I like your boy/girl friend
2. Your not my best friend any more
3. Your momma needs to go on a diet
4. I think that your just jealus
5. You have a wierd family
6. I feel bad for you
7. How come you dont have any style
8. Whats wrong with you
9. Good thing that I am not you
10. Dont worry I am sure that you will grow up soon
11. Have fun with your so called “boy/girl friend”
12. Too bad your ugly
13. Good thing your ugly
14. you are fat
15. you need to lose some wieght
16. yum I have a chocolate cookie and you dont
17. Mind your own beezwax ’cause you got a lot of it
18. take your big nose somewere else
19. I cant possibly know you
20. Have I seen you before
21. Why dont you start loosing some weight so that you can
become a sumo wrestler
22. I dont want to be your friend because im to pretty to hang
out with you
23. I have a date and you dont
24. At least you dont have to dress up for halloween
25. I am sorry that you are friendless

IF YOU SAY THESE THINGS YOU WILL BROBABLY END UP IN
THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome Aboard

A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, “Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We’ll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.” Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his co-pilot, yawned, and said, “Why don’t you take over for a while? I’m going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I’m gonna shag the brains outta that new blonde flight attendant.”His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant heard this and exclaimed, “Oh my God!” and started running towards the cockpit.An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, “Relax honey, he’s gotta take a shit first.”

Un joven muy bailador llega

Un joven muy bailador llega a una fiesta y no encuentra una pareja para bailar. En eso mira a una linda se�orita que est� en una mesa con sus padres y se dirige hacia ella.

“�Me permitir�a bailar?” le dijo el joven.

Los padres y la joven se miran entre si y le responden:

“Disculpe joven, lo que pasa es que la se�orita no tiene piernas.”

El joven apenado responde:

“Perd�neme, pero no era mi intenci�n ofender, no sab�a lo de su estado, pero aun as� quisiera bailar con ella, yo la sujetar�a fuerte y as� bailar�amos sin problemas.”

La se�orita y sus padres aceptaron y los dos empezaron a bailar. Pero como la chica estaba muy pegada a las partes �ntimas del joven, �ste empez� a exitarse y ella tambi�n. Entonces �l le propone a la chica estar en un lugar mas solo y ella le dice que en la parte trasera de la casa hay un �rbol de mangos y que ah� puede ser.

Cuando est�n debajo del �rbol de mangos, �l le propone hacer el amor, pero no sabe como hacerlo. Ella le dice que la suba un poco para sujetarse de una de las ramas del �rbol. Despu�s de terminar, el joven la baja de la rama y la lleva a la mesa donde est�n los padres de la chica.

“Aqu� est� su hija, Se�ores. Gracias por todo.” dijo el joven.

Y los padres de la chica le responden: “Usted s� que es un caballero, noble, honesto, gentil…”

“No es para tanto”, interrumpe el joven.

“Claro que s�. Usted es el �nico que la ha tra�do hasta aqu�. �Los dem�s me la han dejado colgada de la rama!”

The mystical Indian

One day a cowboy was riding down the trail. He came upon a fork
in the path. At the fork he looked down and found an indian
lying bucknaked on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight
up in the air. Now the cowboy was very startled by this and
gasps: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN?!!!!
The indian sits up and says to the cowboy: this is how I tell
time,right now it is exactly 2:37 in the afternoon. the cowboy
looks at his watch and is absolutely astonished…why holy
buckin broncos son you got right on the money my watch says 2:38
how d’ya do it?…
Indian tells him it’s an ancient indian practice and you
would’nt understand. cowboy nods his head says: much obliged but
I must be on my way, and proceeds to make his way down the trail.
a few hours later the cowboy is riding back the opposite
direction and once again comes to the fork in the path. this
time the cowboy is totally shocked at what he sees because he
looks down and see the same indian jerking off. The cowboy
says: NOW WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN?!!!!!!!!!! The indian
stops looks up at the cowboy and says:
I’m winding my watch

Experts Warn of Threat from 100GigaBurg Bug

Experts Warn of Threat from 100GigaBurg Bug

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald’s restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB).

Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald’s signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald’s signs will read “00 Billion Burgers Sold.”

This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald’s hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald’s products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy.

This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

“The people who know — the sign-makers — are really scared of 100GB,” one expert said.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills.”

La maestra de Pepito, hab�a

La maestra de Pepito, hab�a encargado a la clase una composici�n sobre la mosca, donde por lo menos, deb�an escribir 100 palabras.

En el momento de revisar la tarea de Pepito, la maestra encuentra una hoja impresa en computadora que dec�a:

Alumno : Pepito Perez, Sexto a�o, Grupo “C” Tema: La mosca.

La mosca es un animal cole�ptero, que desde la ma�ana se la pasa chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue y chingue. Y as� todo el d�a.