Category: other

Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers once a month?
Because the label says, Good for up to 20 pounds.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
To protect their skulls as their heads rock left and right.

How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in her shoulder pads.

Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don’t know any better.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.

How does a blonde do a High-Five?
She smacks herself in the forehead.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To try and catch everything that’s over their heads.

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
Their heads always get stuck in the jar.

Why don’t blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
Because they can’t fit 8 cups of water into those little
packages.

What did the blonde call her zebra?
Spot.

Why do blondes hate the G.E.D.?
Because they can’t spell it.

How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof?
Tell her that the drinks are on the house.

What’s a blonde’s favorite T-shirt slogan?
I’m a natural blonde, please speak slowly.

What’s the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

Why did the blonde freeze in the winter?
Because she went to the drive-in to see Closed for the Season.

Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can’t get the bottles into the typewriter.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why do blondes wear a ponytail?
To hide the valve stem.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.

What is the only job a blonde can do in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.

Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means Stop.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

What is the mating call of a blonde?
I’m soooo drunk!

What is the mating call of an ugly blonde?
I said, Oh, I’m drunk!

What is the mating call of a brunette?
Is that @$#&! blonde gone yet?

Why do blondes always fail driver’s tests?
Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat.

What did the blonde’s mom say before her daughter went out on a
date?
If you’re not in bed by 10 PM, come home!

What does a blonde use for birth control?
Brown hair-dye.

What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning?
1. She introduces herself. 2. She goes home.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?
She tells you she did.

One day, a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw
a sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally
reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

Blondes are too biased. It’s always, “Buy us this, buy us that!”

I once knew a suicidal blonde, she dyed by her own hands.

What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

What is the difference between a blonde and the local football
team?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can’t even keep two calves together!

What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
At the circus you’ll find a cunning array of stunts.

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in
her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.

What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was
making love to him?
“That’s funny, you don’t feel Jewish.”

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming
vase?
“It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge!

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, “Next”.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He’s had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard

How can you tell if a blonde has had a good night?
Her undies will stick to the wall.

How do you confuse a blond?
You don’t, they’re born that way.

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children.

Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.

“Darling wife,” The husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if…”

The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”

The man dies happy.

The wife mutters under her breath, “Thank God he didn’t ask me about the other three!”

Un enorme negro entra a un ba�o p�blico. En el mingitorio vecino se encuentra un enano que se le queda viendo y comienza a gui�arle el ojo varias veces. El negro, mosqueado, le reclama:

“�Aparte de enano, maric�n!”

“No, lo que pasa es que me est�s salpicando �imb�cil!”

Cierta noche iba caminando un gay por la calle, cuando de repente aparece un ladr�n y amenaz�ndolo con un cuchillo le dice:

“Manos arriba.”

El gay, asustado, le responde:

“�Ay no, mejor patas al hombro!”

An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.”What’s the difference,” he asks?”Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on.” “The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays.” “The Australians, well, they have 12.”At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?”Yes, 12. One for January, one for February…”

Two traveling salesman driving across kansas, the car breaks down so they walk to the farmers house and ask him if they can stay the night. the farmer replies “well” I have only one extra room next to my daughter’s and I have a couch, but the dog sleeps on the couch so you will both have to share the same bed. they look at each other and say “what the hell” neither of us is gay so It will be ok for one night.one guy wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his coworker, Man I’ve got to sneak over to the daughter’s room and get some of that, she is a real fox and I’ve got the biggist woody I’ve ever had, as a matter of fact It’s about 3 inches bigger than It’s ever been, the coworker replies “well” your going to have to take me with you. why is that he asks? Because thats “my Dick” your holding. over to the daughter

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees.”
– Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division
Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that
they don’t have enough time to do all their work?
“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”
– Robert Frost
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my
friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was
stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got
on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, “Dressed a little
casually today, aren’t we?” The man replied, “That’s one benefit of owning the
company.”
“Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.”
– Unknown
Being punctual in our office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it.
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.”
– Unknown
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just
fine,” the boss continued. “After you left the office early yesterday to go to
your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”
“Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.”
– Unknown
Our office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened, some of them even got ulcers.
“We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.”
– Unknown
Stevenson’s boss came into his office one morning and caught him hugging his
secretary. He said in a rage, “Is this what you get paid for?!” Stevenson
replied, “Nope, I do this for free!”
“Arguing with an Engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig: After
a few hours, you realize the pig likes it.”
– Unknown
The pretty new temp was standing in front of the paper shredder with a
confused look on her face. Stevenson asked if she needed any help and she said,
“Yeah, how does this thing work?” He took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another
confused expression, so Stevenson said, “Any questions?” She said, “Yeah…
exactly where do the copies come out from?”
“This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.”
– Unknown

A physically large guys meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for … the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says “See there, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!”.

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, and strikes a muscle builders pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!”.

She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks

“Why are you in such a hurry to leave?”.

She replies “with 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

1. Before someone gets off, yell, “WAIT! I HAVENT SMELLED YOU
YET!”

2. After smelling them, tell them what culture they smell like
they are from.

3. Tell EVERYONE you have new underwear on.

4. Look at people and Stare. And Stare. And Stare until they get
off.

5. Tell people things like, “We met in a past life. We were both
pretyt white bunnies with cottonball tails and we were BEST
FRIENDS!”

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for
three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat
to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on
his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for
two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British
lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked. The lady was insulted. “You bloody
Americans are so rude,” she said. “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there?” He
walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found
himself back at the same place.
“Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home – so I would be glad to hold your
dog if I could sit down,” he said. The lady replied, “You Americans are not only
rude you are arrogant too.”
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said,
“Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent
rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady
replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it
out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed
Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.
“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of
you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive
on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now
you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

I saw this on a box of Oatmeal Raisin cookies, “New! With
Raisins!” What did it have before?