Category: other

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, “I know just what you’re wanting, and for $5.00, I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”

The old lady looked surprised but didn’t say a word. The old man continued, For $10.00 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20.00 I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up. “So you want the nice romantic evening in my room, huh?” asks the old man.

“Heck no!” replies the old lady,

“I want it four times in the rocking chair!!”

A man was walking down the road and then he just got a huge urge
to go to the dunny. So he ran into the closest store he could
see.
He said to the female accountant “Can I please use your
toilets!”. She replied “we only have a females toilet here”.
The man said in an instant “But i really need to go….. I’ll
pay ya!”
“Aww, ok but whatever you do DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON!!.

He hands over the money.
He sat down on the toilet and did his business, when he finished
he got up and pulled his pants on and went over to this wall, it
was covered with buttons. So he pushed one, it made a sound like
water flowing down a creek. He pushed another, it sounded like
birds chirping. There was one button that caught his attention,
THE RED BUTTON.

“The lady at the counter told me not to touch the button at all,
how much harm could it do anyway?”
(he moved his finger towards it, then he pulled it away, he did
it again but he couldn’t do it.
“Oh! what the Heck!”.

Everyone in the store heard a humungous scream, everyone ran
towards the scream,” what the hell made that man scream so
loud?” asked someone in the crowd. “He pushed the red
button”,The accountant said.
“Whats the red button?”,asked the guy again.
“A Tampon Remover”, said the accountant

The FUCK word!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language is the word “Fuck.” It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, “Fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn’t really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very
few words with the versatility of “Fuck.”

Besides It’s sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:

It can be used in an anatomical description – “He’s a fucking asshole.”
It can be used to tell time – “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business – “How did I end up with this fucking job?”
It can be maternal – as in “Motherfucker.”

Valuable Vocabulary Chart Below:
=====================================================================
Greetings……………………………….”How the fuck are you?”
Fraud………………………….”I got fucked by the car dealer.”
Dismay………………………………………….”Oh, fuck it.”
Trouble………………………….”Hell, I guess I’m fucked now.”
Aggression…………………………………………”Fuck you.”
Disgust…………………………………………….”Fuck me.”
Confusion…………………………………..”What the fuck…?”
Difficulty…………….”I don’t understand this fucking business.”
Despair………………………………………..”Fucked again.”
Exasperation…………………………………”For fuck’s sake.”
Enjoyment………………………………”This is fucking great.”
Hostility……………..”I’m going to knock your fucking head off.”
Stupidity………………………….”Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!”
Incompetence……………………………..”He’s such a fuck-up.”
Ignorance…………………………………….”Fuck if I know.”
Displeasure…………………….”What the fuck is going on here?”
Lost…………………………………..”Where the fuck are we?”
Disbelief………………………………..”Unfuckingbelievable!”
Retaliation………………………………”Up your fucking ass.”
Surprise…………………………………………..”Fuckin A!”
Surprise………………………………..”Well, I’ll be fucked.”
Suspicion…………………………”What the fuck are you doing?”
Contempt…………………”Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!”

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

“What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon.The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, “Stop! Stop! You’re barking up the wrong tree!”

I used to pull this joke regularly on all new arrivals into our department. I had fashioned a sort of catapult using a very flexible plastic ruler and cable-end-cap attached to the end of the ruler (a cable-end-cap is about the size and shape of an aerosol can cap). Inside the victim’s pencil drawer (sometimes known as a lap drawer) I would tape the end of the ruler opposite the cap to the bottom of the drawer. This way I could fold the cap end of the ruler back so that the cap would be open-end-up. I would then fill the cap with hole-punch “confetti” and close the drawer holding the “catapult” in the “cocked” position. Then when the victim opened the drawer, the device would launch the confetti into the victim’s lap, face, or whatever else might be in the line of fire.

Finally one coworker decided to effect revenge. He placed a couple pieces of confetti on my floor, but did nothing else. Being the cautious type, I immediately noticed the confetti pieces and checked my storage place for my catapult. It was gone. I then very cautiously set about searching my cubicle for the loaded launcher with the intent of not tripping it. About a half hour later I began to realize I had been had. A quick and careful scrutiny of the faces of my neighbors confirmed my suspicion.

=============

Another prank is one I pulled on my honeymooning best friends. They had asked me to house-sit for them while they were away. I removed the lables to all their canned foods. It gave them a new appreciation for the term “pot luck dinner.”

With patience this prank can be improved upon. Steam the labels loose and then glue them back onto different cans.

WARNING:If you are not pagan you will not get this joke note the diclaimer.

why did the blond pagan have a lasso
she wanted to draw down the moon

Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers once a month?
Because the label says, Good for up to 20 pounds.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
To protect their skulls as their heads rock left and right.

How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in her shoulder pads.

Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don’t know any better.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.

How does a blonde do a High-Five?
She smacks herself in the forehead.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To try and catch everything that’s over their heads.

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
Their heads always get stuck in the jar.

Why don’t blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
Because they can’t fit 8 cups of water into those little
packages.

What did the blonde call her zebra?
Spot.

Why do blondes hate the G.E.D.?
Because they can’t spell it.

How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof?
Tell her that the drinks are on the house.

What’s a blonde’s favorite T-shirt slogan?
I’m a natural blonde, please speak slowly.

What’s the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

Why did the blonde freeze in the winter?
Because she went to the drive-in to see Closed for the Season.

Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can’t get the bottles into the typewriter.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why do blondes wear a ponytail?
To hide the valve stem.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.

What is the only job a blonde can do in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.

Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means Stop.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

What is the mating call of a blonde?
I’m soooo drunk!

What is the mating call of an ugly blonde?
I said, Oh, I’m drunk!

What is the mating call of a brunette?
Is that @$#&! blonde gone yet?

Why do blondes always fail driver’s tests?
Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat.

What did the blonde’s mom say before her daughter went out on a
date?
If you’re not in bed by 10 PM, come home!

What does a blonde use for birth control?
Brown hair-dye.

What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning?
1. She introduces herself. 2. She goes home.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?
She tells you she did.

One day, a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw
a sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally
reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

Blondes are too biased. It’s always, “Buy us this, buy us that!”

I once knew a suicidal blonde, she dyed by her own hands.

What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

What is the difference between a blonde and the local football
team?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can’t even keep two calves together!

What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
At the circus you’ll find a cunning array of stunts.

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in
her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.

What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was
making love to him?
“That’s funny, you don’t feel Jewish.”

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming
vase?
“It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge!

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, “Next”.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He’s had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard

How can you tell if a blonde has had a good night?
Her undies will stick to the wall.

How do you confuse a blond?
You don’t, they’re born that way.

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

The Queen and the Pope are on stage together at a huge charity event. Obviously, they’ve both done this sort of thing many times before, so to make it a little more interesting the Queen says to the Pope, “How about a wager? I bet I can make every British person in this crowd go wild with just one little wave of my hand.”The Pope agrees and the Queen waves her hand. Sure enough, the royal wave elicits rapturous applause and cheering from all the Brits in the crowd.The Pope, not wishing to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than him, says to the Queen, “That was impressive. How about another wager? I bet I can make every Irish person in this crowd go crazy with joy merely with a nod of my head. But it won’t just last for a minute. This joy will last for months and be talked about for years.”The Queen is sceptical.”One nod of your head? Show me.” So the Pope headbutts her.

Write down on a peice of paper:
M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs
L I B
M R ducks

Now have somebody say it, saying the capitals as letters, it comes out as:
’em are ducks
’em are not
oh ‘es ‘ey are
see ’em wangs
‘ell ill be
’em are ducks

a woman went to see her sex therapist because her marriage was going downhill, and she felt that se would save it, so the sex therapist gave her these pills which she said would help her husband get into the mood for sex, but only take one a night. so the woman took them home and gave her husband one. the next day she went and thatnked the therapist and asked what would happen if she gave he husband two pills, the sex thereapist said she didnt know, but she could try it and find out, so she did. the next day once again, she went back to thank the sex therapist, and asked what would happen if she gave her husband the remainder of the bottle, the therapist said she didnt know, but to try it and see. the next day a little boy went into the office, “are you the twat that gave my mum those pills?” asked the boy.”Yes.” replied the therapist, “how did it go?” to which the boy replied, “Well, my mum is dead, my sister is pregnant, my arse hurts, and my dad is ssat in the corner going, ‘here kitty kitty!”