Category: other

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.”Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor.”Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.”No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor.”Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman

Hold on to your Texas quarters. They may become collector’s items.

The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters. “We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday.

“This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw,” said Skackelford.

The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux.

Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.

This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him “So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?” The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers.”What? Five times?” asks the eager girl.”No”, he replied.”Pick a finger”.

It seems one day there was a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan fishing in a boat in the middle of a lake. After a few hours, the Russian pulls out a brand new bottle of Vodka, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake. When the others ask him about this, the Russian says “there is plenty of Vodka where I come from”. A while later, the Mexican pulls out a new bottle of Tequila, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake. When the others ask him about this, the Mexican says “there is plenty of Tequila where I come from”. Another hour passes and then the Texan pulls out a new bottle of Lone-Star Beer, takes one drink, then throws the Mexican into the lake.

Llega Pepito a la farmacia y pide un preservativo; paga y se va. Al poco rato regresa y pide uno m�s grande. El farmac�utico le pregunta:

“�C�mo que uno m�s grande?”

“S�, es que el otro me qued� chico”.

El boticario le da uno m�s grande. Minutos despu�s, Pepito regresa nuevamente y pide un cond�n todav�a m�s grande.

“A ver Pepito, no creo que necesites uno m�s grande. De todos modos, te voy a dar el m�s grande que tengo, es m�s, vamos a un cuarto y te voy a ver cuando te lo pongas”.

Pepito comienza a pon�rselo en la cabeza y el farmac�utico le grita:

“�No, pendejo, ah� no se pone!”

“Ya s�, lo que pasa es que voy a ir a una fiesta de disfraces, y me quiero ver bien verga”.

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.

The first old woman, told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

“Gladys!” he exclaimed.

“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in …. You look like an asshole!”

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: “I can’t talk, help me!”

The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, “Put your penis on the table here.”

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.

The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..” and the Doctor says, “Good, come again tomorrow and we’ll learn B!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

An old farmer, attending a fair with his wife, Bessie, was much taken with the open-cockpit airplane in which fairgoers could buy a ride. The $5 fee was rather steep for him, so he began to bargain with the pilot. The pilot, annoyed, said, “I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take you up for nothing if you keep your mouths shut. But if either of you makes a single sound, you pay the full $5.”

“Done,” the farmer said.

The couple climbed into the plane and wedged themselves into the cockpit well behind the pilot’s seat, and the pilot took off.

There was dead silence behind, which surprised the pilot, who counted on the splendid view to elicit cries of admiration and, therefore, his full fee. Suddenly, the pilot banked and went into a series of loops and spins designed to force cries of dismay from even the stoutest heart. Yet still there was absolute silence from the farmer and his wife. Defeated, the pilot landed his craft.

Helping the farmer out of the plane, the pilot said, “I have to hand it to you. You sure kept your mouths shut. Both”

“Yup,” said the farmer, “For a minute there I thought Bessie’d give a little scream when she fell out.”

A farmer is giving his wife some last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

“That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you know which one I want him to impregnate.”

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the ‘Inseminator’ arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

“This is the cow right here,” she tells him.

“What’s the nail for?” the guy asks.

“I guess it’s to hang up your pants,” replies the wife.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon.The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, “Stop! Stop! You’re barking up the wrong tree!”

I used to pull this joke regularly on all new arrivals into our department. I had fashioned a sort of catapult using a very flexible plastic ruler and cable-end-cap attached to the end of the ruler (a cable-end-cap is about the size and shape of an aerosol can cap). Inside the victim’s pencil drawer (sometimes known as a lap drawer) I would tape the end of the ruler opposite the cap to the bottom of the drawer. This way I could fold the cap end of the ruler back so that the cap would be open-end-up. I would then fill the cap with hole-punch “confetti” and close the drawer holding the “catapult” in the “cocked” position. Then when the victim opened the drawer, the device would launch the confetti into the victim’s lap, face, or whatever else might be in the line of fire.

Finally one coworker decided to effect revenge. He placed a couple pieces of confetti on my floor, but did nothing else. Being the cautious type, I immediately noticed the confetti pieces and checked my storage place for my catapult. It was gone. I then very cautiously set about searching my cubicle for the loaded launcher with the intent of not tripping it. About a half hour later I began to realize I had been had. A quick and careful scrutiny of the faces of my neighbors confirmed my suspicion.

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Another prank is one I pulled on my honeymooning best friends. They had asked me to house-sit for them while they were away. I removed the lables to all their canned foods. It gave them a new appreciation for the term “pot luck dinner.”

With patience this prank can be improved upon. Steam the labels loose and then glue them back onto different cans.